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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:

Echobelly · 19/08/2020 19:10

In your DDs position, I think she ought to say she understands protecting his property and go along with that, but also that she is upset his mum raised in front of her as though making a point - ie she can be clear on boundaries and let her boyfriend know he should stand up for her if her mum is 'implying' things.

Pebblexox · 19/08/2020 19:13

His mum is just doing what any mother in that situation would do. Should she have announced it loudly like that? No, it's rude. However she just wants to make sure he son has protected himself.

I also think telling a 20 year old she isn't allowed to move in with her boyfriend is bang out of order.

YesINameChangeEveryDay · 19/08/2020 19:14

Tbh by saying this it doesn't really look like you do agree with the mums advice.

my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere

She doesn't own anything just now so she'd be left in the same position as before if they broke up.

Thefaceofboe · 19/08/2020 19:16

I think you are over reacting

WhereamI88 · 19/08/2020 19:17

The fact they were so rude is worrying and I’m afraid she’s got years of mistreatment ahead of her. Did I read it right that she’s given him money? If she’s smart she’ll tell him she’s not ready to move in together yet and keep dating. And stop giving him money. Let his mummy lend him money.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 19:19

Why exactly does the mother think your DD will get a legal stake in her boyfriends house?

Unless she’s paying the mortgage?

I would totally advise your DD to have her own place as a safety net and split all bills except mortgage half, if she chooses to stay living with her boyfriend.

Doesn’t sound like her boyfriend can afford his home and is using your DD to subsidise it.

And why on earth is the boyfriend selling your DD’s white goods?

jessycake · 19/08/2020 19:19

The only advice I would give her , and I would say to her in front of her boyfriend , is to keep her deposit and anything she sells into an a savings account to keep in case the relationship doesn't work out . Then they are both protected.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/08/2020 19:20

Perhaps she should simply pay rent to him. They could have a legal rental agreement and then his assets are protected and she doesn't get tricked or guilted into paying for mortgage, improvements, etc. And when they break up they simply give notice and move out.

Mancity100 · 19/08/2020 19:20

His mum is right but went about it wrong way

How would you feel if you had given your dd money for a house and potential have to give a share to a ex

Maybe she should pay half of bills and save her rent money

heartsonacake · 19/08/2020 19:23

YABU and overdramatic, and you’re interfering in your daughters life where you shouldn’t be.

It’s sensible advice on the boyfriends mother’s part.

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 19:23

My dad gave me my deposit. £10,000 and my boyfriend paid the £1700 fees. I bought my parents house with the 10,000 and they moved. 7 months later my boyfriend started cheating. Luckily I fought to keep my home. He took his belongings in the end and went.

The thing is he lost £1700 but he shouldn't have moved in with me when he still wanted to be like that. We are 19 and 22. Ten years on im still here.

My views are his mum will want him to be cautious and responsible as they supported him to get set up for life.

Your daughter is young as is he. So they may well split. In the nicest way possible if your DD did go after the money (I'm sure she wouldn't) it becomes messy. Then his parents will be upset that the gift of a future home to there son has been lost. I honesty don't blame them. People split all the time unfortunately.

But they need to discuss the long term plan. For example will she go on the mortgage in the future. If so then it is legally hers too. If she's just paying abit towards the bills etc and they split then she can go debt somewhere.

I understand all your worries around this. I really do. It's hard to watch your children go through adult things for the first time.

But it sounds like 2 mums both wanting what's best for their kids. X

whereistherum · 19/08/2020 19:24

I would be very nervous of my daughter moving in with someone, where this hasn't be talked about, but also the fact she has been subbing him recently and he is selling her white goods.

I wonder how long it would take till the whole I own this home would start to seep in

FelicityPike · 19/08/2020 19:25

Yes his mum was nasty...but she’s quite right to have a document in place to protect his money.
However I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to encourage her to live on her own.

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 19:26

That should say we were 19 and 22

It should also say rent not debt at the bottom chapter.

SimonJT · 19/08/2020 19:28

His mum is correct, but she went about it in the wrong way. I own my flat, my boyfriend lives with me, before he moved in I made it clear that he won’t be getting husband level privileges when he only has boyfriend status. Moving in together isn’t all romance and roses, its having frank financial discussions to make sure you’re both on the same page.

The situation with the white goods is strange, also trying to stop your adult child moving is a bit odd, giving advice is sensible, but trying to control their actions isn’t.

saleorbouy · 19/08/2020 19:30

The boyfriends mother is correct in her opinion. It is better to set out on the right legal footing incase there is a relationship breakup in the future. Your daughter should equally make sure that her contributions to the house are recorded for future reference, I.e. if she purchases furniture or pays bills or rent/mortgage. I agree the approach in front of your daughter was wrong but they should lay their cards on the table and then see where the future takes them. As mothers I think you both need to back away from this young adult relationship, its theirs not yours.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 19/08/2020 19:32

The fact that his mother spoke about the solicitor and agreement so obviously and in front of your DD is very rude. The fact that she is suggesting such a legal agreement be drawn up is not.
What concerns me is that her boyfriend is seemingly pressuring your DD to sell all of her white goods ASAP and give up her flat - if it all goes wrong in 6 months she will need to look for a new tenancy with nothing to put into it.
If I were you OP, I would be suggesting that she keeps her flat for another year - how much time she actually spends there is up to her. If she still feels that she wants to live with him after that she could put all of her furniture/white goods into storage and save the money she would be paying in rent so that she has some collateral if she needs it - if things don't work she can then look for another flat without any financial concerns.
Ultimately only she can make the decision, but his pressure on her to sell her stuff and give notice seems a bit controlling to me.
for you

diddl · 19/08/2020 19:33

When I first read it I thought-why all the drama, isn't it just an offer for her to live there whilst work is done on her place?

But if she's "chuffed" that things are "moving forward" then there does need to be some proper thought put in, doesn't there?

bridgetreilly · 19/08/2020 19:34

She's a grown up. It's her decision, not yours.

Viviennemary · 19/08/2020 19:36

I think the mother of the boy is quite right to encourage him to protect his assets. He is very young.

IndiaMay · 19/08/2020 19:37

You're right, he way his mother went about it is wrong. But that's his mothers problem/wrong doing. Doesnt make the boyfriend a tool. Yes he should be protecting his assets and making sure there are legal documents in place. As much for your daughter as him.

billy1966 · 19/08/2020 19:37

Two separate issues.
His mother was giving what many would think is sensible advice.

Giving this advice, phrased as it was, was extremely rude and offensive.

She has given your daughter an insight into exactly what she is like.

The mother can hardly like your daughter to be so rude to her.

Your daughter needs to give some thought to her own self respect, to accept being treated like that.

I would advise her to give moving in a wide berth, but ultimately, it's her mistake to make.

I don't blame you OP for being offended on her behalf.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 19/08/2020 19:38

heartsonacake I have both sons and daughters and very much want to know why you think the mother of the man offered sensible advice and the mother of the woman is interfering where she shouldn't be?

The mother of the man went so far as to tell her son what to do and organise a solicitor on his behalf.

PatriciaPerch · 19/08/2020 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaveSomeTea · 19/08/2020 19:39

The boyfriends mum is right to advise her son to make sure he’s protected, if she thought he wasn’t protecting himself already. But she was wrong to have the conversation when your daughter could hear. If she realised your daughter could hear, then she’s just being a bit of a cow. Her son could be with your daughter forever so she’s not exactly starting off well.

Your daughter should tell her boyfriend that she’s annoyed the conversation happened with her there. I would expect him to agree that his mum was wrong for that. If he doesn’t think she’s wrong then that would make me think that he’s a bit of a mummy’s boy and I’d maybe rethink everything. If he agrees she was wrong and they are otherwise happy together, then she shouldn’t let this spoil and otherwise good relationship.

It’s totally normal to be hurt for your daughter, especially as it seems she’s a very independent woman.

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