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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:
doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 22:09

Yes a week! one week at his house just one and this already ! And I did say should this not have been sorted prior to moving in? She still has 3 weeks on her tenancy remaining.

She's hardly contributed to the mortgage or deserves anything then!

Jeez, you've made it sound like she made a huge financial stake and how she's bailed him out and it's been seven bloody days!

I don't think she had any rights yet! 🙄

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 22:11

I think having read a lot of your sound advice and taking on board what you have all said without meddling in just going to advise she keeps her independence or at least waits till they've ironed out the massive details they skipped prior to the moving in part ! And then just probably hope she takes it on board and if she doesn't, spare rooms back in action lol

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 19/08/2020 22:13

You’d have thought by now that someone would have come up with a formula for this scenario.

So for example,
DD ringfences enough money to put down a deposit & buy new white goods.
Bills are split 50:50 except mortgage.
DD gives BF a nominal rent, so she can save some money for her own house deposit, and BF is a bit better off too. But she is not contributing significantly to his investment, so maybe a third of what her rent would have been??? Really depends on the figures.
Whoever then has more money left over then pays for a bigger percentage of the treats/nights out etc

Then it would be a case of putting the figures into an online calculator & printing out a standard living together with no house claim agreement.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 22:14

That's why i me tioned the furlough thing etc to say she has been subsidising him the entire 3 months he's lived there while shes had her own place aswell so I was furious at the cheek of his mum ! I'm really trying not to be unreasonable but ultimately if she gives the flat up and it goes wrong itll be me taking the call again, kids !!!!

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 22:14

@doityourselfnow

OP did say DD had been paying his mortgage before she moved in

justasking111 · 19/08/2020 22:15

The simplest way to do this is what my friend who owned a house did her partner had huge debts, all down to his feckless mother. She made him her lodger a book rent paid etc. That protected her and him from the mother who would have tried it on again.

@browny1981 to be honest I would not want my daughter this tied down at 20 as for him selling her white goods, she needs to put that money away it is hers.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/renting-a-home/subletting-and-lodging/lodging/taking-in-a-lodger-what-you-need-to-think-about-first/

WhereamI88 · 19/08/2020 22:32

The more you post, the more worried I am for your daughter. He's taking her for a mug!!!

SentientAndCognisant · 19/08/2020 22:36

It’s your child. But it’s his flat. His mum is right.
Get a tenancy agreement because explicit about bills. Get an inventory of items

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 19/08/2020 22:36

I used to work in mortgages and anyone over 18 who wasn't on the deeds as an owner had to sign a legal document disclaiming any rights that could affect the mortgage company's claim for any debts. This was years ago - and may not be the same now, but it is a thing.

The mother was horribly rude, but she's right to protect her son's asset. Your DD won't be getting any housing rights paying rent (apart from a good reference if she rents elsewhere) - it's not as though she is giving up her own property to move in. Although if she sells her white goods that could be an issue, I suppose......

Devlesko · 19/08/2020 22:51

The boyfriend is shit with money and has his mum and gf bailing him out.
I hope your dd realises she can do better and highers her bar a bit.

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 22:59

@browny1981

Oh the saga continues tonight! So he has said he would like her to have the agreement drawn up and pay the solicitor but wants it to be the solicitor of his mother's choice ? How do i respond tactfully because it's just sounding more and more like I'm being awful on here and I'm really not but it just seems so unjust and a bit controlling !
She needs to tell them both to fuck off. She could end up signing something that will effect her future self.

What is your dd saying about the mother choosing a solicitor?

Do you think this was set up because he has got cold feet and doesn’t want her moving in?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 19/08/2020 23:01

She most certainly shouldn't pay for the solicitor of his mother's choice to draw up any contract!

She should however ensure that (especially given he's lawyering up - or rather his mother is) that her tenancy agreement is put in writing and signed by both of them. Especially stating exactly what rent she pays and very specifically what bills she pays towards.

If she signs anything provided by his mother's solicitor there needs to be a clause stating that if she contributes over and above her agreed rent and bills to cover the mortgage, his share of bills or his personal bills, or pay his debts or feed him then the contract is null and void.

She needs to tread very carefully if she moves in with this man as he seems to see her as a cash float while his mother is stage whispering that she's a gold digger.

Honestly though she'll only be a lodger in his house unless he rents her her own room with a proper tenancy agreement, and she'll be paying through the nose if he charges her rent to sleep in his bed and subsidise him on top.

You say he has a 3 bed semi - he'd do better to rent out two rooms properly on a totally formal basis to people he isn't romantically involved with, so that he can meet his bills. She'd do better to rent her own flat again and avoid the quagmire of entangling herself in a situation where she can only lose - at least for the next few years, until they're ready to buy a property of their joint choosing free and clear from parental involvement together properly, if this relationship lasts.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/types_of_renting_agreement

whereistherum · 19/08/2020 23:11

You need to point out that any solicitor that his mother chooses is going to look more after his interest than her's.

I have no idea how I would subtly say and fucking run for the hills to a 20 year old, but if she posted on MNs based on your updates that is what I think people would say

Codexdivinchi · 19/08/2020 23:17

Oh the saga continues tonight! So he has said he would like her to have the agreement drawn up and pay the solicitor but wants it to be the solicitor of his mother's choice ? How do i respond tactfully because it's just sounding more and more like I'm being awful on here and I'm really not but it just seems so unjust and a bit controlling

A bit?? What is your dd saying about it? His mother sounds awful.

I’d say to dd that this is the start of a very long battle your going to have with his mother. Life is too short for this shit

Also remind her he is shot with money so whilst he will be funnelling her money through his house he is making her self block any financial compensation she may be owed later on down the line.

No way would I be happy with this and yes I absolutely would be vocal about it

billy1966 · 19/08/2020 23:43

OP,
I understand your outrage but, respectfully is your daughter naive to put it very kindly!! Why is she subbing him for months?

He's making an awful twat out of her.

She needs to get what she's owed.

Forget about him, focus on why she is subsidising him.

She needs some self respect.

Moving in is not in her best interests but all you can do is ask her why she is allowing herself to be financially used by him.
Flowers

justasking111 · 19/08/2020 23:50

So many red flags for your daughter here. He gains a bed mate, housekeeper, maid, money. I would not want any of my children involved in this.

HaveSomeTea · 19/08/2020 23:56

So he has said he would like her to have the agreement drawn up and pay the solicitor but wants it to be the solicitor of his mother's choice

Ha ha.... oh he’s funny! So him and his mother want the agreement drawn up, your daughter pays but his mother chooses the solicitor. I’m beginning to think your thread title is applicable here. He is a tool... and a mummy’s boy... and his mum is very controlling. Honestly, as much as I think in general, parents probably shouldn’t get involved in their adult kids relationships, I would be trying to get my daughter to get rid of the boyfriend. Or at least have her own flat. I think this is the start of many problems with both her boyfriend and his mother. Total nightmare.

Graphista · 19/08/2020 23:59

So he has said he would like her to have the agreement drawn up and pay the solicitor but wants it to be the solicitor of his mother's choice ?

That's just taking the piss though!

Fuck that!

No absolutely not!!!

monkeymonkey2010 · 20/08/2020 00:19

it might be more useful to teach them to think how to share household finances and personal - and the legal implications of some.

What's the difference in their earnings?
Will they be splitting bills 50/50 or proportionally?
Who pays for what?

If she pays towards any renovations/works on the house, then she automatically would have a financial interest to her contribution if they split....so she needs to be aware of this.
She can pay 'rent' to him without getting involved in 'paying off his mortgage'.

His mum should have had that conversation with him in private - it was nasty the way she did it.

I'd suggest to your dd that she too get some free legal advice so she knows exactly how to look after herself in this setup.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 20/08/2020 01:33

So he has lived alone for 3 months and can't hack it.

What's the odds on your DD ending up cooking/cleaning/washing for this man child while he carries on spending every penny so she ends up worse off.

cautionhot · 20/08/2020 03:57

He sounds like a man baby. No idea why your daughter has been giving him money. She should ask for it back.

heartsonacake · 20/08/2020 04:31

I havent interfered or actually done anything apart from take a call from my upset daughter

You were interfering though when you said this to her:

I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available

She told you a problem and your solution was to try to tell her what to do, not offer advice or suggestion in a non-emotive way.

Whatever you think of him, you have to let her make her own mistakes. Offer advice if she comes to you for it, but otherwise let her lead her own path. Don’t jump in all guns blazing.

readingismycardio · 20/08/2020 04:48

How the f could she get his house if they're not married?!

diddl · 20/08/2020 06:14

Presumably she really can't stay in flat whilst the work is done?

To me, she seems overly flattered to have been asked to move in.

But if that's what she wants to do, then she needs to make sure that she's happy with the bill/housework split.

Standrewsschool · 20/08/2020 06:32

I wonder if bf’s mum knows that dd has been subsidising him? At the beginning of this thread, I was team bf (although partly agree with bf’s mum), but now I’m team dd.

“What's the odds on your DD ending up cooking/cleaning/washing for this man child while he carries on spending every penny so she ends up worse off.“

This!

She needs to protect herself.