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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To class DD (20) boyfriend as an absolute tool

185 replies

browny1981 · 19/08/2020 18:43

My DD (20) has her own flat she works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults
Her boyfriend of 2 years was gifted a deposit to buy his own place and has a house . Recently my daughter's flat had a leak and the property manager wants to do extensive work. My daughter stary3d to look for another flat and her boyfriend said hey why don't you move in with me ? She was hesitant but chuffed as it seemed the relationship was moving forwards. The problem ; At the weekend they went for a walk with his mum, during the walk she pulled boy wonder to one side and had a discussion that was loud enough for my daughter to hear (she was behind them with the dog) it was in a nutshell a warning to her son to get a legal document signed and make sure she didn't "get his possessions or house" following the walk my DD approached BF and said is there an issue ? He says we need a solicitor, my mum has arranged one!!!! I have said right no moving in with him lets get hunting for a flat stay here until one becomes available I think it's horrible the way this was done ! I get there may be concerns on her part as there are on mine - my daughter is giving up her home she rightly has no legal rights to the house but if they split she would have nothing and nowhere , the manner in which this was done has peed me right off !!! ( he already listed her white goods on a selling site and told her to give notice )

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 20:55

She will also need her own independent legal advice before signing a damn thing.

You don't know what the future holds, how long they will be together etc.

Imagine this scenario... she moves in, he becomes ill, she is the sole earner and pays all of the bills for the next 10 years. They have a child, they then split.

Because she signed her rights away without any advice, whilst she would still have a claim, it would be expensive to enforce.

Whilst I would be happy for my daughter to sign a waiver to any value the property currently has, i would NOT allow her to sign away future accrued rights under any circumstances.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 19/08/2020 20:56

@AcrobaticCardigan

To be honest, he owns the property & needs to protect his interests. His mum could have better handled this, however I know how I’d feel if it were my child doing this!
Exactly. If it was my daughter I'd be doing the same. However, she (your daughter) needs to ensure she protects hers. iei if she moves in with him -he could legally speaking just change the locks and kick her out. I would not be happy about that. I'd suggest he rents his out and they rent somewhere together.
Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 20:58

Just to clarify again as.maybe I havent been clear enough,
The advice in its content from his mum was sensible, however, it seems like he asked my DD to move in and his mum interfered, not me, and proceeded to be really rude to my daughter.
When I said if they split, my daughter will have nowhere I appreciate it was never hers to begin with however she would be contributing to the mortgage and letting her own flat go, hence my advice against this.
As Mum's we do get emotionally involved and I wait it opinions for clarity and have taken them on board.
I havent interfered or actually done anything apart from take a call from my upset daughter who has been kind of painted as a gold digger by this woman when in truth my daughter has been contributing to this house since lockdown as boyfriend was furloughed on 80 percent and she earns more than him anyway, there is no issue with her having a home in a financial sense she was flattered he wanted to live together and was shocked when it was inferred she should be protected from as i would have been and I'm sure most of you guys too.
That being said I would think this way it's my daughter, another thread could easily read; my son moved his GF in and she wants half or won't go! I accept that and agree but it was the way it was done and I don't want to appear precious but of that's a snapshot of this woman's opinion of my daughter, is it wise for her to proceed ? I personally think not and he t her after reading the comments for which I'm grateful for and have said maybe you guys should consider getting a joint place when you are ready to live together, i said I understand how upset you were but people don't always think and mistakes happen wipe the slate clean and have a long sensible chat and see how you move forward
Does this seem fair ?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 21:05

@browny1981

The woman was horrifically rude and obviously doesn't think that your daughter is good enough.

I have no idea what he is like but he is following his mum's inappropriately communicated guidance. A reasonable boyfriend would have said "mum, x is here, she can hear you, thank you for your advice, we will discuss it" He didn't do that.

If I were you, or her, I would not so easily give up my independence in these circumstances.

MulticolourMophead · 19/08/2020 21:08

What concerns me is that her boyfriend is seemingly pressuring your DD to sell all of her white goods ASAP and give up her flat - if it all goes wrong in 6 months she will need to look for a new tenancy with nothing to put into it.

If OP is just providing her DD with somewhere to live while DD gets another flat, I think that's fine.

I'd also make sure the listings are taken down, the goods will be needed in the new flat.

While the BF's mum is right to be wanting to ensure her son's assets, talking about it in earshot of DD wasn't the right thing to do, especially when she could have spoken with her son at another time when DD wasn't about.

And if DD is already contributing money to the BF for bills etc, as he's struggling on furlough, I'd suggest stopping that now, DD will need funds for her own place.

Melroses · 19/08/2020 21:10

As Mum's we do get emotionally involved and I wait it opinions for clarity and have taken them on board.

You are having a gut reaction. Don't just dismiss it as 'emotionally involved'. If your gut reaction is to protect your daughter, work out the reasons why this is, and then you can talk to her about it.

Veryverycalmnow · 19/08/2020 21:10

YANBU to care about your daughter. I would be the same. I know a lot of people are telling you to stay out of it, but then, surely the NFL's mum should have stayed out of it too! It's completely understandable to be upset for your dd. I think she should just find somewhere else for now. It's bizarre to be involving a solicitor imo.

Veryverycalmnow · 19/08/2020 21:11

Bf's not NFL's

Butchyrestingface · 19/08/2020 21:16

She was looking out for her kid, albeit the execution of it could have been handled better.

My late mum gave me a deposit for my flat. She sat hovering over me in the solicitor's as I made a will to ensure that in the event I predeceased her, it all went to her and not the local cat and dog home. Grin

Shortfeet · 19/08/2020 21:20

You are in the wrong for calling her bf an absolute tool.

His mother is 100% correct but may have handled it in a clumsy way.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/08/2020 21:21

I think if shes paying towards his mortgage then she should also get something out of it. Otherwise why should she move in and lose her home? Agreements dont have to be all or nothing.
Agree his deposit should be protected though.

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:24

@browny1981 why do you call your DDs boyfriend "boy wonder" , seems quite nasty!

chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 21:25

BF is a tool. Mummy's behaviour should have been called out.

DopamineHits · 19/08/2020 21:26

His mother was incredibly rude to have that conversation with him, not only on a walk they were on together but in a voice loud enough for her to hear. And that was probably the point...

There's nothing wrong with a parent advising their child to protect their assets - not that I think his assets would be at risk in this scenario - but it's a conversation she could have had over the phone, or just, in private?

She sounds very rude and you should advise your DD to keep a civil distance from her permanently.

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:30

@browny1981 your daughter rents a room...... she's not contributing towards the mortgage! If she isnt happy with the room she rents, she should move out!

Simple!

She's 20 they're not financially dependent, she should move out if she thinks she's entitled to anything, other than a roof over her head.

If they finish, she's not financially disadvantaged at all, she came with nothing, she enjoyed the company whilst she was there and she left.

🤷‍♀️

DopamineHits · 19/08/2020 21:31

why do you call your DDs boyfriend "boy wonder", seems quite nasty!

It sounds like a kneejerk reaction to his mother distressing her daughter, and her BF apparently seeing nothing wrong with that. Just a guess.

Bluntness100 · 19/08/2020 21:35

When I said if they split, my daughter will have nowhere I appreciate it was never hers to begin with however she would be contributing to the mortgage and letting her own flat go, hence my advice against this

It’s not her flat. She rents. If her landlord decided to end her tenancy she’d be in the same situation. She’s paying rent wherever, as she should

Seriously his mum was rude but you’re being just as bad. However your logic she shouldn’t pay rent if she doesn’t get anything at the end but should pay it to a landlord makes no logical sense. What do you think thr landlord is going to give her a free property or something ?

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:37

@DopamineHits so why is he a boy wonder? Seems like OP is having a dog at the wrong person?

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:38

A dig not a dog 🙄

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:42

Also a lot of unnecessary embellishment in the OP

My daughter works hard as a carer for vulnerable adults....

So what if the BF works hard as a mechanic

You put your DD on a pedestal?

He was gifted the deposit? So what? It's still his property no matter where the finance comes from!

You seem to see your daughter as superior to her BF.

Why?

chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 21:42

if she ends up paying the lions share of the mortgage, bills and living expenses, she will accrue an equitable interest.

It isnt a tenancy agreement.

So she accrues a proportion on the increase in value that accrued during the period of her residence depending upon her contribution.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 21:42

When my partner and i got together, he moved in with me for a while and contributed towards household bills but not the mortgage. House was mine not his and he had no claim on it.

If your DD wants to continue living with this man then she needs to get her own legal advice.

Fine he ring fences his deposit received from his grandparents. But if she’s paying the mortgage and in future pays for significant property improvements. She should have a return on her investment too surely.

Otherwise I think she should split bills and contribute nothing to the mortgage or improvements. Not her house.

Then later they should both buy together.

That’s what I’d advise my own DD’s.

Original poster
browny1981 · 19/08/2020 21:43

I call him.boy wonder today because I'm.annoyed he didn't defend my daughter and he never seems.to put a foot wrong. He blew his 80 percent furlough wages on beer and then convinced his mum he hadn't been laid while my daughter bailed him out and she's being paid had as the potential gold digger! His mum needs to realise he was given a huge responsibility in the shape of a 3 bed semi he can not manage and his solution was to ask my daughter to move in and now she's being made out to be a gold digger- im being nasty but I'm so annoyed!!! He's 26 she's 20 but he's so immature , i shouldnt say it I know I'm just annoyed probably more so at the mum to be fair, see this is why this is helpful ! I do t want to discuss it with family because its pvt so this helps :)

OP posts:
GinWithASplashOfTonic · 19/08/2020 21:46

Yabu the BFs mum has a valid point and I certainly wouldn't be calling he BF a tool over it.

Ok it could have been said a bit more tactfully but even then

doityourselfnow · 19/08/2020 21:47

@browny1981 well then your daughter needs to address her issues about why she's doing what she does.

Massive drip feed about furlough, beer, needing your daughter to live to bail him out.

I would turn your energy to your daughter and why she's living with someone who is not suitable.

You've said she's capable of living alone, so why isn't she?

The fact he is 26 and she is 20 seems irrelevant.

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