Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

I would not like this one bit. She is making a move on him in plain sight. You need to nip this in the bud.

I have female friends, i dont have their boyfriends numbers, i dont ring them, i dont text them and i dont invite them out to dinner or drinks.

She is making a play for him OP.

My "friend" had an EA with my partner. I trusted her not to hurt me and of all people i never thought she would do that, she was very much into the "sister hood".

YANBU She is not your friend.

Nah that’s not on! I’d be shutting that down immediately. She isn’t your friend OP.

Also, I’d be tempted to wait until she got herself a boyfriend and then do the same thing to her but I’m not sure that’s the most grown up strategy!

She's inviting your DP for dinner without you? Like a date? Just WOW!

She’s trying to appeal to his ‘knight in shining armour’ complex to hook him in. She is not your friend.

I think it’s odd; I don’t entirely understand why she’s want to do that. I’m friendly with my friends partners and enjoy going out all together with my DH but have no interest in a friendship independent of my friends

Don't be naive.

I have my close friends partners numbers. Sometimes we chat - not often, to be fair! But one sends me things that I’ll find funny occasionally, for example...

But dinners and exercise classes? Nah. Meeting without the relevant friend? Almost certainly no... maybe if we were planning a surprise or something but probably not.

She doesn’t seem like a friend.

She's after your nan, just doing it in a way that makes it look innocent.

Keep an eye on her and your oh. He might be pushing her away right now but she could be persistent.

She isn't your friend.
I trusted my best friend and I had as made a fool of.
Friends since toddlers, she was my MoH, godparents to each other children.
I was happy to let my husband help her out, message etc she was married with kids too.
Didn't worry me at all
They had an affair.

it very odd, he's your partner and he's not her friend, you are!
Well, you are supposed to be but really, if she wants a friendship with your partner independent of you, then she's no friend at all. Get your DP to nip it in the bud and set her straight, and then ditch her.

I’d find this strange, wouldn’t like it.

What does your dp say about it?

Fuck that shit.

You are being gullible. This woman is not your friend. She's trying to cop off with your DP right in front of you.

Astonishing that we've become so used to trying to be cool about friendships and fudged boundaries that something so glaringly obvious as underhanded requires you to doubt gut instinct.

She's doing it in plain sight too. Brazen.

She's not your friend.

Is she inviting you along too or just her and him?

As someone who is very friendly with my friend's partners, I find this incredibly weird.

I think this is really odd, and full credit to your DP for not falling for it.

She has a real genuine problem I think, and one around attention seeking, validation from others, clandestine relationships, and controlling others. This is potentially the ultimate fantasy for her in terms of acquiring the forbidden.

I would go as far as to say like others, that I doubt she is a true friend. YANBU.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

Ha ha! Is she?

YADNBU.

Hmm it doesn’t sit quite right does it?!

The only time I’ve messaged friends partners is when they’ve asked for advice with birthday presents or party planning or if friend is very poorly or just had a baby so all conversations have been about friend and not general chit chat.

I’d have a conversation with your DP. He’s obviously not comfortable with the level of contact himself. He might not want to tell her to piss off for fear of jeopardising your relationship with her.

This is a good opportunity for the, "I'm sorry, who is this?".

Have you asked her why in earth she's so keen to build this friendship with your partner? How does she justify it? It will take two to build a friendship so try to get your partner to stop it in its tracks. If she doesn't get the hint she will end up showing herself up.

As everyone else says above- this is not a good friend. This is a time to trust your instincts. And let your husband know you are not happy with this.

That's really bloody weird.

She isnt a friend.

Don’t trust her as far as you can throw her. Your partner needs to shut it down once and for all and it needs to come from him, not you. I