Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

Not appropriate!!! At all!!!! Your partner knows that too.

Also I do my own flat pack it's not that hard 😂

My friend did that to me.. I turned a blind eye but told DH I didn’t like it

And when she finally got into a relationship and married.. she is so insecure that she has turned out every single invitation we made for them as a couple even to formal events and she comes on her own.

I think people like that are very insecure and thrive off Male attention.

She doesn’t wanna marry him but she is Being selfish and doesn’t care how it makes u feel.

So if I were you, I’d not be selfless and will just draw the line here

Nope. The only time I’ve contacted my friends’ partners is if their birthday is coming up and I know my friend would love a particular gift. For example, “I’m not sure if you already know but X are going on tour and tickets go on sale one Monday at 9 am. I know Jane would love to see them. Hope you’re well x” or “I’ve just been with Jane in X and she loved this coat. I’ve sent a photo in case you needed birthday present inspiration x”

I’d never push boundaries like your friend is. How is any potential friendship (although I suspect she wants more) worth making your friend feel insecure about? She might not want to have an affair with him. She might just thrive off knowing he wants to have sex with her and the power of holding that knowledge. Either way, she isn’t you friend. Cut contact xx

Really weird. I do have the numbers of a couple of female friend's male partners, but cannot imagine arranging to meet them 1-on-1, or even chatting to them by text. The only remotely close thing I've done is invite one of them to a monthly horror film evening me and a group of other friends have, when he was talking about those films. But I invited both of them (she declined), it's a group setting and a group chat, I've never individually contacted him or seen him outside of that setting when she's not been there. This woman is specifically targetting your DP to go on dates with. Huge red flags.

I'm another odd one out. I don't find it strange to have dh friends numbers, I also would go for a drink with some of them and it literally mean nothing. They're my friends too, and have been since me and dh first got together. I also wouldn't find it weird if he went for lunch or a drink with my girl friends.
However, if you're uncomfortable with it then that's entirely up to you and everybody has different boundaries in a relationship. So just speak to your dp about it and ask him to stop it in his tracks.

Your DP should be shutting this down.

And you should be distancing yourself

I do think this sound odd in these specific circumstances but some of the responses are really surprising.

People are saying they don't have numbers for the make in a couple. Do some of you have no male friends? I have quite a few friends in couples where I'm closer to the guy - uni friends for example. In those cases I'd definitely contact and meet the guy independently, in fact for some I don't even have the phone number of the wife/girlfriend.

No sorry but this simply isn't on. Sounds like your partner is next on her tick list of men to have affairs with. She's horrible I'd go totally no contact.

I had an 18 year old (with her own boyfriend) so this to my then husband (age 30). I gave him a choice (after telling them both to stop contacting each other). He chose her. There wasn't anything sexual going on but lots and lots of other stuff that was very too close for comfort.

OP tell your partner that it has to stop.

There are c20million adult males in the UK (I'm told other countries have adult males too) with whom she may have a platonic friendship that are not your DP. It might be helpful for you not to trust this friend so much.

@thegooseberry/
Be very alarmed...... A woman wanting to meet with your DP without you there is doubtless angling for him.

I had it happen to me, a single, much older woman {12 yrs older than my husband, 17 yrs older than me} was angling for my DH

I wasn't worried, but she was after him, and he left me for this awful woman who had the gall to say to someone who questioned her: ''All's fair in love and war''.

Another relative had his wife lured away ''in plain sight'' by a so called 'friend' of hers {male}

Both of these affairs ended in divorce, and both of the affair relationships ended badly, too.

Be very vigilant.

You're not being unreasonable and it's not all innocent.

I've not really had this to this extent. My DM however had a friend who was known for 'being flirty', had had an affair with someone else's DH and although she's one of my DM's best friends she wouldn't trust her around her husband/partners. Another friend of a friend of ours as kids - she was a lovely woman but very friendly with my stepfather and we socialised as had mutual friends, she also took us out as kids. My mum didn't feel comfy around her at all, wasn't unfriendly but certainly kept a watch out.

This is not normal behaviour.

For context - neighbour isn't married but has a partner and 3 DC from 5 to 10 years old, currently on holiday in Ireland with their DM. I speak to the partner occasionally and the other day he mentioned a new pop up bar that he was off to with a male friend (married) and wondered if I wanted to come too? I went once and it was ok, no flirting whatsoever but when they asked a second time I said no as I don't want to be seen to be getting too friendly. I know how that can come off to wives etc.

@LillianBland I didn't feel like I was sticking the boot in, more I just have no desire to be friends with these people. If my wife wants to be friends with my mates then that's fine but these people only came into my life because of her and remain in it because of her.

The only time I’ve messaged friends partners is when they’ve asked for advice with birthday presents or party planning

This. This is the only reason why I'd text my DBIL. Don;t get me wrong, I do like him, he's very nice, but if I need anything else, I'd text my DSis to ask her to ask him..

What does your DP say? Honestly dh would be like “eh - I dunno - speak to new decade and see if we Are free”. Or make an excuse - as he would find it weird.

I think you’re being incredibly naive!

Your “friend” does not see your DP as “safe” male company. She fancies your DP and sees him as a potential shag and/or conquest!!

It is NOT normal to behave as she is doing and stop viewing her as your friend! I think if your DP gave her a chance she would prove how little she values your friendship.

Tell her to stop it now, it isn’t appropriate behaviour and ask your DP to ignore future messages from her.

It might be the end of your friendship but it won’t be any loss.

@dontdisturbmenow

She's after your nan, just doing it in a way that makes it look innocent.

Keep an eye on her and your oh. He might be pushing her away right now but she could be persistent.

Best typo ever

But yeah, it's weird as fuck and I wouldn't be OK with it. What does your OH say to her/about it? And have you ever pulled her up on it?

I have very occasionally messaged my friend’s husband, eg related to our dc who are also friends, or she has asked him to forward an article to me, etc. That is the limit of what I’d feel comfortable with. Even if your husband isn’t remotely interested in her, I do think boundaries are important.

Thank you everyone.

Realistically, even if this was one of my friends who was happily married, I'd still think it was weird.

I won't question on her on it, but I will make sure my DP just shuts it down.

I really don't think she's a terrible person deep down (for having affairs with married men) I think she's made some horrible, selfish and immature choices that stem from low self esteem without caring about the consequences for other people's feelings. BUT it does make me less trusting around my own.

I agree it isn’t necessarily a sexual thing - but maybe a power/control thing.

Either way, she does NOT have good intentions to you and your relationship so I’d get rid of her ASAP.

I never really had a lot of issues getting boyfriends or male mates when younger (although I had other trauma/confidence issues etc) and I’d frequently find myself being latched onto by women who just wanted to use me to “get in with the blokes” whilst resenting me.

But I was all naive “cool girl” and let them get away with treating me like shit.

It’s not her casually trying to be friendly - she’s literally sitting there plotting to shit stir in front of you?

Send a message like this to her:

Dear X,

I am writing as I am not comfortable with the way you are behaving - you are semi-stalking DP and it’s causing me a great deal of distress and coming across as very obsessed and desperate and unhinged.

Going forward, I do not want to socialise with you again.

Please leave both of us alone in future and cease harassing us, or I will be forced to take formal action.

@Newbameforanewdecade he just said not interested to attending the exercise class and got me to message her and say he couldn't help with furniture because he didn't want to. He did say yes to the after work drinks thing as it was put to him in a group setting and then never replied to her text to organise it.

Without being too outing she asked me for his number to set up a group chat and then not long after text to wish him a happy birthday and then started general chit chat messages."

[quote thegooseberry]@Ohtherewearethen I think she would think / say I was being insecure / jealous if I voiced it - like I'm trying to get to know your future husband (we are getting married) don't be so silly.

And maybe it is actually that and I'm making assumptions![/quote]
@thegooseberry
I phoned the ''Friend'' {a co-worker} of my DH, as he hadn't come back at night...
She denied all knowledge and said I was ''Unwell''.

She then came round to see me, to 'put my mind at rest'......She sat next to me and said ''I am NOT having an affair with your husband''.....{But she covered her mouth while saying this....I remember her gnarled hands, and how old they looked, and how her eye makeup had crept into the lines around her eyes.

It was all lies.

A colleague {teacher} phoned me and said {name} had her eye on your husband the minute she took him on {as a peripatetic teacher}.

I wish I'd ripped her eyes out, to be honest.

Lying so brazenly, breaking our DC's heart..DC still has not really forgiven his dad, who said recently ''It was the worst mistake I ever made''.

When confronted, these snakes always deny it, and say it is us who are ''unwell'' {eg, paranoid} &c.

I really hope for your sake that your DP doesn't secretly fancy her - because you're clearly not going to stand in the way!

Jill