Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

Very odd she is consciously making an effort to be a friend independently from you.

Occasionally this happens organically. I would say I'm friends with one of my best friends husbands. Sometime he will call to see how me and the kids are. I'll often text him if I have a specific diy question for example. Or if he is passing he may pop in for a cuppa.

However SHE is my friend and will always come first. If for any reason they split up, I can't imagine I would keep in regular contact with him.

This person is not your friend. I'm not sure how old you are but you sound very young and naive. Although everybody is very young to me, old codger that I am!!

Drop this person from your life. She won't bring anything good to it.

YANBU
She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

As it should do. Past performance is a good indicator of future performance.

Agree with the others. She is no friend.

I really don't think she's a terrible person deep down (for having affairs with married men) I think she's made some horrible, selfish and immature choices that stem from low self esteem without caring about the consequences for other people's feelings.

But if she's making horrible, selfish and immature choices which involve her shagging married men, then she is a terrible person, isn't she? And even knowing her tendencies, when she's hitting on your own boyfriend (and come on, this is what she wants) then you are still defending her!

How is she approaching him? Is it by text only or does she do it when you're out of the room, or in front of you?

I am very close to one of my friends partners but I knew him first and introduced them. We often meet without her or message, but she knows he was my friend first and I wouldn't have introduced them if I had wanted him.

This is different. Your friend is making moves on him in plain sight.

My friend put up with similar for months! I told her...and others too, that it wasn't on at all.

It grew until her DH and this other woman (friend!) were having regular Friday night drinks together...and he would go to do jobs in her flat.

She had to issue him an ultimatum eventually.

Funnily enough I saw it begin...I watched her watching him one evening and noted her expression. I'd seen that she was attracted to him.

'That's inappropriate and not on. I know you because you're my wife's friend, that's as far as it goes.'

This is a great way to shut it down once & for all (hopefully anyway)

OP, you know the answer to this. Get rid of her!

I wouldn't question her on it from your own p.o.v as she strikes me as the type that might enjoy the ego trip of having made you 'jealous/insecure'. Like she's kind of won or something. And if you share a friendship group she might say 'OP was upset as her DH was making plans with me and actually told me to back off'.

I would perhaps say to her playfully 'You really need to stop inviting DH to things - he likes you but as my friend and really isn't into the idea of doing anything with you on his own'. And also agree with basically everyone that your DH needs to say something similar. Just treat it like she's being a bit silly/weird rather than a threat (to her face).

Some people have no morals and wouldn't worry about ruining friendships to get their hands on someone they have taken a fancy to.
My sis in laws friends who was in a big and close friendship group run off with her friends husband and fell out with all her friends.. that relationship ended and she walks around like nothing has happened despite losing most of her childhood friends.
I'm not a jealous person but u wouldn't like this at all, if they were friends prior to meeting you I wouldn't have an issue but this is odd.

She's probably doing it for power. Many women seem to enjoy knowing they can attract or feature for a friend's partner.

I wouldn't address it with her as that will play into her plan, she'll think you're jealous. Just distance yourself and have your DP not respond to her advances.

The only time I'd message a friends DH/DP is for stuff like birthday gifts, or there is one friend whos husband is an electrician and I text her asking about a job I needed doing and she said here's his number I don't get involved in work stuff so I have messaged him - it wasn't a very exciting conversation tho!

I do honestly envy the posters who have groups of male and female friends who can be super cool about the whole thing and who have trust in their partners. I can't because I was cheated on by a man who also hid in plain sight, and then repeatedly cheated on me with his "very good friends" who happened to be female.

My feeling is that a friend who takes a liking to your partner who they only know through you, who has a history of affairs with married men, and who starts inviting him out alone with her isn't a friend. If she was then she would realise what her behaviour looks like and prioritise your friendship over her need to be wanted by men.

Unfortunately affairs are a lot more common nowadays it seems, and every story I read on here makes me think that "girl code" has all but disappeared :(

I have lots of Male friends. I'd say male/ female 50 50 split. And I have made some very good male friends since I was married. So normally I'd be ok with my husband being friends with a woman.

But not this woman.

Friendships grow organically, from common interests or from spending time together etc. They don't grow from one person repeatedly pestering another despite being shut down every time. And they don't grow when you introduced them and then are left out. And that's the weirdest part for me. Normally with friends, unless you are being Wendied, they would invite the one that they both knew best. They wouldnt just go over your head and arrange a meet when they don't already know each other well. That's just excluding you and making a strange point. It sounds like your husband is dealing with it in the right way. And I'd be wary of her in general now

Massive side-eye from me here OP.
The most charitable thing is that sometimes some people (not everyone and not the majority of people, I'm not bashing single people here and lord knows there's enough partnered/married people who are just the same) who are single, long-term single or who haven't had a long-term relationship Just. Don't. Get. the unspoken boundaries about what is ok and what comes across as icky when being friendly with the partners of their friends.

She's devious and not a 'close friend' to you, not a friend at all.

Trust your instincts op. If something doesnt feel right it usually isn't.

I’m very, very good friends with some of my friends partners, one I even sent up as a couple and was friends with him first.

But let me tell you I would never do this and I have no desire to forget new friendships independently of my friends being there nor do I feel any burning need to hang out with my male friend without his fiancé there.

There is nothing innocent about this woman, she is making a move on him in plain sight, utterly brazen.

She is not your friend and probably never was, drop her like a hot potato and speak to your DH about her behaviour and appropriate boundaries in the relationship.

Definitely weird.

My DH has an occasional conversation or email with an old friend of mine who is single. I've known them both for a long time and trust them completely. It's also a strictly professional relationship i.e. no flirting!

Nope nope nope!

This is not how a friend behaves (and incidentally, I think numerous affairs with married men speaks a lot about her character).

On occasion, I am alone with friends' DHs - when I pop round with a birthday card and she's not home, when he offers me a lift home after a night out, if we are going out in a group and he and I arrive first.
I occasionally call or text them

• when discussing a gift for friend, a surprise, checking arrangement when she's unavailable,

You catch my drift?

That's appropriate, not what she's been doing.

I wouldn't be reluctant have this out with her. If she says she's only trying to get to know your future DH, well she can get to know him in your presence, given her history and behaviour!

This wouldn't be okay with me and my partner wouldn't like it if his friends were msging me. Given her history tho I'd definitely put a stop to it. Your partner doesn't seem interested in 'building their friendship'. He needs to not reply

I normally come on here to defend male-female friendships, having many (entirely innocent) long-standing such relationships with men, and I do go out to have dinner alone with them (in these cases the men are my primary friends and their partners are secondary, though we still invite them as couples to more mixed events). I've also some casual friendships with other mothers at the school, where I happen to get on better with the husbands, and yes might occasionally stop for coffee together if both heading to the train station etc. But I cannot imagine ever purposely excluding the original friend in favour of inviting the husband, or seeking out the husband in this way.

The scenario you present, I wouldn't like at all. Her history of multiple affairs with married men rings all sorts of alarm bells, as does the way she seems to be pursuing your husband and excluding you. I would not trust her an inch.

YANBU, I’d hate that. I totally trust my husband but that would definitely make me uncomfortable.

Yanbu this would make me feel uncomfortable

Very odd, nip this in the bud OP, she's sounds dangerous with very dodgy boundaries.

I have the mobile numbers of a couple of friend's DHs but it's only ever been to discuss birthday presents for their OHs or surprise meet ups, that kind of thing. I have met one during this covid situation for coffee in their garden or mine (neighbours) as my DH has worked throughout and so has his wife, whereas we are furloughed and bored shitless, but certainly nothing inappropriate has ever gone on and our partners have been aware of it.

Tread carefully! She wants a fling, she's done it before.

Women like this will throw away a friendship for a bit of fun with a nice man. Take a Break is full of them!

The DP needs to know how seriously the OP takes this. It's no good if SHE breaks off contact if HE won't stick to it.

He could agree to dump the trollopy friend but be tricked into resuming, and then he might feel silly and too compromised to admit it.

All she'd have to do is change her number and he'd innocently answer or read her text, and then bang! She's back.
If he tells the OP she might go up like a bottle of pop and he wants a quiet life.

So he might instead text Her back, just to placate her because she's always been so nice to him, and then it's all a big secret instead of being out in the open and this time he DOES have something to hide and She's sooo upset so he might as well meet her just for a coffee, can't do any harm...
AAAND she's hooked him.