Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

She isn't a friend. She really isn't.

Yes she would give you the wide-eyed gaslighting if you said anything, so don't - box clever. The good thing is that he's got his eyes open too.

If you haven't already, be entirely honest with him about her past record and say, I am not sure what her intentions are here and on one level it doesn't matter as I obviously trust you, but with your blessing I'm going to quietly shut this down before she steps over the line and people fall out.

So then - when she messages next, it gets ignored for a couple of days then YOU message her -

'Hi X how are you doing. Hey, DP says sorry he's not replied to your message about the class. He's so rushed off his feet he's hardly looking at his phone tbh haha. But, not interested right now really. Too much on. What did you think of x... (then you lead into general conversation)

After that, he ignores messages. Just ignores.

The odd one word answer.

If she brings it up - 'God yes he's terrible with his phone. Hardly seems to make time to keep up with his own friends let alone mine. You're giving him an extra job to do I'm afraid, lol'

And leave it at that.

I’m really ok with my DH having friends of the opposite sex, but this would be a hard no from me. They weren’t friends before you met, and have no reason to be friends outside of you all socialising together, I’d not be happy with this at all.

I'm sorry but this is not right, is it?! I would tell my husband that its werid and I'd prefer it if they didn't. By the way my husband has female friends and I'm cool with that, but my friend arranging to meet him without me?! Not cool.

Just as an aside, how do you feel about your friend having affairs with married men?

I would never contact friends partner, nor have their number and would never invite them separately
The several affairs with married men is not normal either , one off is rare , more than one suggest a "thing"

Shes being a twat

Cut her off. Dead cold. End of friendship.

The only time I would be messaging a friends partner is arranging a surprise for a friend.

He needs to shut this down completely, not you. I suspect he also needs to be pretty blunt "thanks for thinking of me but I don't have time for any new friends" sort of thing.

Why on earth would she need to have any kind of relationship with your DP independently of YOU???. If it’s innocent then why is she not inviting you both out for a meal/drinks/classes???. Think about it OP. There is absolutely no reason for separate meet-ups unless she wants him all to herself and why would she want that? There’s lots of single men out there for that. I’m glad your DP isn’t going a long with it but maybe he needs to start ignoring her texts and not being available. Failing that he needs to say along the lines of ‘OK, let’s meet at 6 to give gooseberry time to get ready’ then if she insists he go alone then he needs to shut her down once and for all by saying he’s married to you so it’s not appropriate to leave you out of the arrangements. It needs to come from him not you. You will sound like a jealous shrew if you say anything.

And I’m saying that as someone who’s husband meets ex colleagues for coffee on occasion. Admittedly he usually also has our son with him in these coffee dates

she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky

She’s hiding in plain sight.

She has had affairs with married men. This is a case of fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Oh and yes I'm another one with a DH with female friends.

This isn't that

She probably isn't trying to pull him as such. What is far more likely especially from what you've said about her is that she's one of those people who likes to feel they're central to things, perhaps a little controlling, definitely a bit insecure - and so they employ a bit of power play. With same sex groups, they can easily become the Wendy who tries to cut others out or manipulates friendships.

But with male friends or male partners of friends, they try to get that 'in' through cultivating via flirting - they aren't trying to cheat per se but like the idea that they can engineer a few mild flirting/spending time together situations with a friend's partner in order to put them on a slightly more intimate footing. Just because they like being 'in there'.

It's madly disrespectful to you of course, most women can smell this kind of shit being pulled a mile off and it has nothing to do with friendship. And it means that she's really not a genuine, loving friend to you.

Kill it, note it and mark her card :)

Do what FizzyGreenWater said

Unless they have an existing friendship independent of you then yes this is weird and inappropriate.

I’ve known a couple of my close friends’ husbands as long as they have (since school) I was even in a relationship with one of them (long time ago) and I wouldn’t DREAM of doing any of that. She is spectacularly crossing a line.

YANBU she is hiding in plain sight

My DH has moved offices and is in a new part of town, and pre-lockdown some of my friends who work there were talking to him about getting lunch together etc. Nothing weird in that. But I’d find it strange if a female friend of mine wanted to go to an exercise class with him, or drinks/dinner with him without me. I mean he’s a lovely bloke, but if it’s for the purposes of platonic friendship no need to exclude me..
seems like your DP thinks it’s weird too, I’d shut it down OP.

How bizarre. What would happen if your DP blocked her? Either that or accepted an invitation from her on behalf of you both?

I have the husbands of a few friends on FB but I rarely, if ever, message them. I did end up having coffee with one - it's dropped round to see my friend, she wasn't in and he kindly offered to make me one. If I hadn't been heavily pregnant and in need of a sit down I'd probably have refused.

Well, I do have a few friends partners number, but mostly for logistical reasons - if I'm doing pick up and the partner is doing drop off, in case of running late or change of plans etc.

But no other contact without my friends.

Love FizzyGreen idea.

Wow! What a snake! YADNBU

openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky)

My friend used to do this. All open and above board:

"Trash, you don't mind if DH comes to see this band with me do you, we both like them, but you don't"

and

"my football team and your football team are playing each other next month, in your home town, how about we go?"

Which lead to an overnight stay being planned, and surprise, surprise only one hotel room. DH did not go.

The one that rings the biggest alarm bells is the “come and help me build furniture in my house”. Smacks of helpless little lady needing big strong man to look after her, and a pretext to get him alone in her house.

If flat pack furniture needs two people to assemble it she can ask you, her friend, to help her with it. Last time I checked there were no brands that required a penis to put them together.

I'm long term single and the only time I have ever messaged my friends partners was when arranging surprises for my friends. Asking them to help keep dates free for outings or such.

I wouldn't even think to message them otherwise, why would I 🤷‍♀️

I think you're right not to be comfortable with this.

Ugh. I had a "friend" like this. She was stunning and men seemed to fawn all over her all the time and she loved the power and thought it was funny that it pissed off their girlfriends.

I once discussed free weekends with her to meet up. One was out as I had to be at a work trade fair. The day I should have left she phoned my husband (then boyfriend) to say she was coming to our town for a party and could he possibly put her up, even though sadly I wouldn't be there. He was a bit but said ok and told me.

In fact my boss didn't need me so I was home when she arrived. I had given her the benefit of the doubt but she was - rather than delighted to see me - completely shocked and pissed off.

It was the last time she came to stay!

The thing was, usually she wasn't the least bit interested in the bloke she was toying with. It just boosted her ego to get other women upset and riled about her allure. She had a very "I can get any man I want, if I want" attitude. Nasty.