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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend messaging DP

296 replies

thegooseberry · 19/08/2020 12:21

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

OP posts:
YeahWhatevver · 20/08/2020 08:17

I actually think your DP needs to nip this in the bud.

loudev · 20/08/2020 08:21

It's odd. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that personally.

Kisskiss · 20/08/2020 08:26

This would make me super uncomfortable... I also make an effort to get to know my friends’ other halves, but mainly when my mates are there too!!!!
Hopefully if he keeps ignoring her she will get the hint.. has she done the same to any other person in your circle of friends?

mybonesache · 20/08/2020 08:51

What does you DP say about it?

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 20/08/2020 09:15

Massive red flags for me.

The only time I've had a close friendship with a friend's partner was when a female friend got together with one of my old Uni mates. He was already my totally platonic friend of many years standing so there wasn't any shift in the dynamics. To suddenly try and muscle into your DP's life is creepy, weird and totally inappropriate.

This person is not your friend.

Ishihtzuknot · 20/08/2020 10:22

You can’t trust her, she’s not being a friend to you so I’d block her and move on. If you or dp communicate with her she’ll think she’s found a way in with him, don’t let her see it’s bothered you either. Decent people do not have affairs with married men, she’s shown you she’s a snake and will never change.

Bigkingdom · 20/08/2020 10:28

Thats weird.

I’m single. All my friends have partners/husbands and i do not have any of their numbers. I don’t need them. I’m friends with my friend, not their partners/husband. I think she’s crossing a line.

BilboBercow · 20/08/2020 17:35

OP this woman is not your friend. Honestly it's good DP is shutting her down but if she carries on I think you need to put on your big girl pants and call her out. If you think she'll make it about you being all insecure and controlling then do it in front of people, because you're not wrong, she's actually trying to humiliate you and she'll back down in a group because she knows people will see what she's doing.

ILoveFood87 · 20/08/2020 17:53

My best friends husband is my friend we do stuff as a group with other males and females, and I did once go on a night out with him and the others on a day she could not make it. I would never just text him to meet up though, I'd want to see my friend. Shes number 1 hes number 2.

ILoveFood87 · 20/08/2020 17:57

He does send my crap memes sometimes though but he sends them to everyone.

midwifeync · 20/08/2020 18:57

That's very weird, he must feel super uncomfortable.

Imagine if the sexes swapped around? If your partners male friend kept asking you out for meals/drinks or to exercise classes without you DP being there. It would creep me out.

I'd discuss it with your dp, say you know he's done nothing to encourage it but that it's making you feel weird and say you're going to really distance yourself from her. Just ditch her, she's no friend.

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 19:28

@ShellsAndSunrises

I have my close friends partners numbers. Sometimes we chat - not often, to be fair! But one sends me things that I’ll find funny occasionally, for example...

But dinners and exercise classes? Nah. Meeting without the relevant friend? Almost certainly no... maybe if we were planning a surprise or something but probably not.

She doesn’t seem like a friend.

Second this. I talk to friends partners. Apparently fine when I was in a relationship. But when I was single I got alot of hate. Relationship again and its fine. 😂 I had no intentions I'm loyal but girls were nervous.

However I'd never go out drinking with a friends partner without them unless they are away like on holiday or something. And then only as mates and with permission.

But she's not me. She demonstrates a disregard for relationship status.

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 19:35

Being devil's advocate here. But is she very lonely/depressed? She could just have no friends. Thinking about it I did that once. Was chatting alot to cousins partner. Couldn't get through to her always working. I just thought of him as family but she did not see it that way.

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 19:45

During my relationships I've had alot of couple friends. Did things sepately and together. In fairness tho I'd always been friends with the guys first so the girls knew I wasn't interested

Imworthit · 20/08/2020 20:08

I lived with friend 1 (F1) and her husband (I know terrible idea). Friend 2 (F2) whispered in her ear that I was having an affair with him. It was actually F2 wanting an affair. F1 didn't believe her because one she was a boyfriend stealing slut and two I outed another prior friend who confessed to fucking F1 ex. Tho she trusts me there is that little fear. Ironically I can't stand her husband terrible house mate but I can't tell her I don't want to see the dumb ass in case she thinks some went on 😂😂😂
F2 is dead to us both trust your gut and their character.

KeepingPlain · 20/08/2020 20:28

Dunno why you think she's not a bad person. She regularly has affairs with married men. They are scum too, but she's no better. She needs help badly.

Not sure how you can get her to back off though other than your dp just blocking her. It will inevitably ruin your friendship regardless.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2020 22:59

Just realised that I do have a situation where I go out with the male partner of a friend of mine but he is my BIL (OK, no one is married but its quicker than explaining!). I met him first through my BF, we all have a shared interest that we met up once a week with others to do. Then he started seeing his now DP. She spends a lot of time away with her friends and her kids and although they live together, he doesnt often go due to work.

My BF was away one week that she was away so me and BIL went out for dinner as we were both at a loose end. Difference is that both ours OH's knew and were ok with it, his DP asked how our "date" was going! But we trust each other because we all know that we are committed to our relationships so I would be ok with BF going out for the evening with her.

The key thing with us is honesty, but your "friend" is not being honest, as PP have said she is being sly and cunning and will not doubt do the Bambi eyed "But I was just trying to be his friend as he is your OH and you mean so much to me!" innocent denial. Or Gaslighting as it is otherwise known.

Bin the bitch off.

PoppySeedSaid · 20/08/2020 23:12

She's up to no good.

P999 · 20/08/2020 23:12

She's embarrassing herself. And its clear (and should be to her too) that your DP isnt comfortable. God, bin her. Sorry to be harsh, but she soynds awful. And stupid. And a bit pathetic. Would you feel awkward telling her that her behaviour is off? How close are you?

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/08/2020 23:15

she doesnt want him anyway, she just wants to think that she could have him if she wanted and therefore is better than you.

gingerbiscuits · 21/08/2020 09:01

That's VERY weird & she is NOT your friend! Hopefully your partner feels as uncomfortable about it as you? You need to ditch her - she'll be trouble.

Turboshift · 21/08/2020 09:44

Your ‘friend’ is being sly and the majority of decent people wouldn’t dream of doing this to any friend, I certainly wouldn’t. She is insidiously testing the waters to see what your DP is open too. She is aware of your kind, trusting and a bit naive nature and is taking advantage. Her thinking is warped due to low self esteem and her desire to be wanted is destructive to everyone around her including your relationship with DP. Be careful because if you and DP are solid and happy she will always be jealous of your relationship. Distance yourself from her and get DP to shut her down hard.

crunchiebabe · 21/08/2020 09:45

No, no and no.

ilikemethewayiam · 21/08/2020 11:06

@Turboshift

Your ‘friend’ is being sly and the majority of decent people wouldn’t dream of doing this to any friend, I certainly wouldn’t. She is insidiously testing the waters to see what your DP is open too. She is aware of your kind, trusting and a bit naive nature and is taking advantage. Her thinking is warped due to low self esteem and her desire to be wanted is destructive to everyone around her including your relationship with DP. Be careful because if you and DP are solid and happy she will always be jealous of your relationship. Distance yourself from her and get DP to shut her down hard.
^^This sums it up perfectly
ilikemethewayiam · 21/08/2020 11:24

I actually have a similar friend. She has such low self esteem she flirts with everyone’s DP. She’s very attractive and she knows it. She is not interested in an affair (she has a lovely long suffering DH), she just wants to know she can ‘pull’ your DP to boost her ego. She has her hands all over the men in our couples group at various times. Sits next to my DH rubbing her hand up and down his leg while talking To him or giving him a shoulder massage whilst talking to me. Everyone knows what she like and and all of the men just shrug her off, As they are aware she’s like a cat playing with a toy. Some of them outwardly steer clear of her (she’s quite perplexed by this and constantly asks what’s she’s done wrong 🙄). She constantly tells me how everyone’s DP’s adore her and even have a crush over her. She says their DP’s are soooo jealous of her. Mostly we all find her a bit embarrassing. There may be an element of this in your situation however it seems more insidious than that. My friend never asks to see DH’s separately from their DP’s. I think that’s what’s worrying in your situation. I cannot think of a single reason this would be acceptable.

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