Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

I agree with you op that it doesn't seem as suspicious as all the pp seem to think. More likely that she views him as "safe" to build a male friendship with. He's with you so she doesn't have to worry that he'll think she's coming on to him. But also see why you still don't like it. It doesn't sound like he's fussed to be mates with her anyway so hopefully she'll take the hint soon!

Imagine if the sexes were reversed.

I definitely would think she's after him.

@UnfinishedSymphon

I wasn't invited to the post work drinks / dinner but I am still WFH and don't work in the same area. Equally I am not really into exercise classes.

Thanks everyone - I'm glad I'm not the only one who would find it weird.

Maybe I am being naive but I would be so shocked if she actually tried anything on, it would cause huge issues in our friendship group and obviously destroy our friendship. But I do think she likes having his attention. My DP says he feels a bit sorry / embarrassed for her doing these things but I am going to keep an eye on it. I trust him but I know a million other women who trusted their partners...

YANBU.

Whilst in the deep deaths of PND my supposed best friend made several serious passes at DH having fostered an independent of me friendship with him. She sounds so much like your friend - thriving off male attention, inappropriate relationships etc. I naively thought she would never do it to me. I was wrong. Don't be me.

That is the weirdest thing. I don’t have my friends’ DH or DP contact numbers and literally the only reason they would have to get in touch with me is if my friend was in a terrible accident or similar. We meet as couples or I meet my friends alone, but it wouldn’t in a million years cross my mind to go out for a drink or an exercise class with my friend’s partner. Do not trust her. No way. She is after your DP. She may as well have it printed on a T shirt.

@Ohtherewearethen I think she would think / say I was being insecure / jealous if I voiced it - like I'm trying to get to know your future husband (we are getting married) don't be so silly.

And maybe it is actually that and I'm making assumptions!

I am the odd one out, but I don't think it is necessarily weird to have a relationship with close friends' partners, but usually within pretty strict unspoken boundaries (which is sounds like she has overstepped a bit). What about planning something for all three of you (and maybe some other friends as well) and then creating a whatsapp group for said activity. That way the conversation would include you, and not feel awkward/tiring for your DP to have to shut the conversation down each time she texts?

Ding dong, alarm bells should be ringing here.

@dontdisturbmenow

She's after your nan, just doing it in a way that makes it look innocent.

Keep an eye on her and your oh. He might be pushing her away right now but she could be persistent.

With your nan 😂

How would your dp feel about shutting this down permanently? Telling her he feels it's a bit inappropriate?

She's a weirdo, you are right to have your hackles up.

Not appropriate in a million years, without even knowing her history with married men.

openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky)

I think if this happens again you should both laugh at the suggestion.

What? She's a partner stealing psycho.
She's doing it in plain site so when you complain she can say she hasn't HUD anything from you. She is being predatory. Call her out!

You are right . DO NOT trust her with a barge pole.
I would go so far as to binning the friendship, this is not someone you can trust .

Hiding in plain sight.

I'd make sure you keep telling her that he shows you all the messages. Even go so far as to say he asks you what to reply or that you compose replies together.
Or when she texts, YOU reply from your phone because he's busy.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and think this is innocent but it is still weird and I'd find it very unsettling. If she's lonely she should find other friends.

Device ways to stop it. Speak to your partner and ask him why he thinks she keeps asking him out. Make it clear that you're not happy. Ask if you can go along as well every time she asks him for a meal. Make it clear that he's with you. Hopefully she'll start feeling a bit uncomfortable to be part of a threesome.

Ger your partner to tell her shes being inappropriate and watch her squirm. Although she sounds so brazen she might not!!
Nothing wrong with being friendly but with her history taken into account shes stepping over the line.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

So weird and attention-seeking.

You're not married yet ... she's trying to give him an option: herself.

She's not your friend.

That's weird, sorry.

My partner texts with a couple of 'my' friends, but about the stuff they are interested in, and in at least one case I had to leave the WhatsApp group where the chat started because it was WAY too boring!! I have no interest in brewing or running supper clubs, they can do that themselves. The other one is mostly about running an allotment - again, no interest in that.

Your DP needs to nip this in the bud, if you complain you are jealous, insecure and not modern etc, it'll be your issue.

Start stepping away from this person, she is not your friend. There are plenty of single men she can be friends with.

This is seriously weird and I would stop the whole thing rather than just keeping an eye on it before its too late no matter how much you trust your dp.

Yikes @thegooseberry. I am usually the first to say that men and women can have opposite sex friendships while in relationships with no subtext or suspicion, but this woman is not being a good friend.

You may think - and so may she - that this is all innocent and a way for her to get to know him but that can change in a heartbeat. How much validation would be enough validation for her?

Would getting the ultimate validation - knowing she can ‘take’ him from you - be worth more to her than your friendship group?

You don’t know someone til you know the worst of someone and she’s showing you the bits to pay attention to. It sounds like your partner is shutting her down - he needs to be unequivocal about that now.

I'm trying to get to know your future husband (we are getting married) don't be so silly.

She can get to know him just fine with you there.