Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

@ilikemethewayiam I think someone needs to tell your friend that her behaviour is creepy and bordering on sexual assault! I hate to pull the "imagine if it was a man doing this" card but really, if a man was as handsy as she is there'd be trouble!

[quote wigglerose]@ilikemethewayiam I think someone needs to tell your friend that her behaviour is creepy and bordering on sexual assault! I hate to pull the "imagine if it was a man doing this" card but really, if a man was as handsy as she is there'd be trouble![/quote]
You are absolutely correct. I have tried to encourage my DH to stop her from doing it as I feel it’s up to him to defend himself not me. She would be quite smug if I said anything as she would see it as jealousy 🙄. I think he realises how fragile her ego is and doesn’t want to upset her, Although he does tend to get up and go to the toilet to get away from it. Some of the other DH’s have slapped her hands away but no one yet has told her directly.

Oh, you're in that catch 22 situation. Say nothing, she thinks she's won. Say something, well, you're the jealous wife and don't you know that women and men can be friends and affectionate???! Notwithstanding it's not reciprocated and he removes himself from the equation...

You have my sympathy. I think some men really struggle with enforcing boundaries. My husband does too. I think sometimes the reason that women have a reputation for falling out is because we enforce boundaries.

I know someone like this. She had numerous affairs and now is separated and shagging everyone on tinder but she LOVES it when other men compliment her. And she is always saying how ugly their DPs are and how much they like her. Well they don’t like her enough to want to be with her!

Wtf does she think she’s playing at! Tell her in no uncertain terms to back off and the kick her into touch

Surely the DP isn't some helpless inanimate object, he could very easily knock all this shenanigans into touch in one fell swoop.

He's the weakest link - if he told this "friend" where to go, it would be problem solved. He's taking no/insufficient action, which normally means he's living the attention.

I'd sack both of them off, problem well and truly solved, what's not to like.

loving the attention

Thanks everyone! Will see how it pans out and nip it in the bud without making a fuss, hopefully!

@daisychain01 I'm probably not going to sack my future husband enough when he's done nothing wrong...!

Ooh no no. No. Just no. My DH messages my mates on occasion but that is normally about their well boring caravan jobs that he does for them.

Wouldn't like this and I would be telling her. Get him to block her number.

I think you should get your dh to block her number. Then if she complains to you that he never responds, you can just say “oh, lockdown inspired him to do a digital detox and so he only has his closest friends on his phone and SM media now. Sorry you didn’t make the cut”.

Either she is after him because she wants a fling or just wants the validation of his attention. Either way, she is behaving very badly.

She's a piece of work OP.. I'd be quietly distancing myself from this trash 'friend' 🌺

Cheeky cow. Get rid of her

Not a fucking chance

Your DP could have nipped this is the bud be he hasn't which is odd

@MockingJay27 how is not replying to messages or declining invitations odd?

Trying to insinuate he's on board with it....

Your DP hasn't done anything wrong, but to a "friend" like this, the fact that he hasn't blocked her means that she'll take it that he's still open to invitation if the right invitation is made to him.

That's how people like this work, male or female. She hasn't been bloked so she'll reason that deep down inside, your DP has some interest. That's why people are saying he should block her. It's the best way of saying "I'm not interested".

Erm, no! If that was my friend I would be having strong words with her.

She’s keen on building a relationship with your DP independent of you? That’s not right and it is weird. You are not being over sensitive.

I have the numbers of some of my friend’s partners - mainly from organising birthday surprises, group nights out/holidays, that sort of thing.
There’s one who shares an interest in a sport with me, so sometimes we chat about that. I’m the single one, but there’s absolutely nothing in it - and my mates know that. If they were at all uncomfortable with it, I’d stop.
Your friend is being weird and stalkery. This is verging on harassment, and he should shut it down, once and for all.

[quote thegooseberry]@MockingJay27 how is not replying to messages or declining invitations odd?

Trying to insinuate he's on board with it.... [/quote]
I don't think it's odd, either.

Could it be that he's playing 'nice' in rebuffing her because she's your friend and he thinks that's the way you'd want him to handle so as not to 'cause trouble' between you?

I'd tell him that I wouldn't have a problem with it him blocking her on all SM platforms. In fact, I'd prefer him too.

Of course, chances are I'd be blocking her too. You don't need a 'friend' like that.

I only message friends partners in relation to my friend. For example, 'Hi x it's igot, Tamsin left her phone here!' or 'it's megs birthday in a few weeks, have you planned anything?'

This is all kinds of weird.