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Original poster

Friend messaging DP

296 replies

thegooseberry · 19/08/2020 12:21

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

OP posts:
ExceptionFatale · 19/08/2020 13:02

The only friends of mine who've had my DPs number ended up with it as I had left my phone at home and we had plans to meet later so they texted him one time to give directions. The other friend has my DPs number at my insistence due to her ex boyfriend being abusive and I wanted her to be able to contact either of us if her ex showed up at her house (I can be a ditz and leave my phone on silent) so in my mind it was/is a safety thing - to this day she's texted my DP 3 times about one of his hobbies but included me in the chat - that's why she's my best friend, she behaves trustworthy so I trust her.

In the past when I've had a friends DPs number I always send any text to both my friend and their DP (as my current best friend does). It's fine to get along with a friends partner, as long as everything is out in the open and there's no sneakiness involved.

This person isn't a friend, she's behaving in a manner I consider not only sneaky, but disrespectful to you AND your relationship. You have a good partner that's told you the alarming things she's tried to pull - time to thank him and tell her to kick rocks. With friends like that, you don't need any enemies hun.

Jussayingisall · 19/08/2020 13:03

We had a big chat about this, when we were all out in a group one night. We were with my wife's friends and we were talking about platonic friendships with the opposite sex. One of the ladies said to me "well we are friends aren't we" and I said no I wouldn't call you a friend, you are my wife's friend and that is how I know you, but if me and my wife ever parted, I wouldn't stay in contact with you.

FelicityPike · 19/08/2020 13:04

That isn’t a friend, that’s a hussy who’s letting you know that she’s after your man!

MsIrrational · 19/08/2020 13:04

Say something OP.

Even if she ignorantly declares you as jealous she should still respect your feelings and put a stop to it.

How would you feel if the friendship ended? You can't be that close if you don't feel you can be upfront and call her out on it?

Does your partner seem disengaged when he replies?

sonjadog · 19/08/2020 13:05

I think the weird thing about this is that she is targeting him as a friend. It is one thing if they get to know each other and a friendship develops naturally, but why on earth should she be so focused on creating a friendship where there is nothing there from before? Something is off about this one.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 13:05

Your DP doesn't have a friendship with her independent of you.

Get him to shut her down next time she texts, something like, stop messaging me, your texts are inappropriate.

She is not behaving in any way shape or form like a friend to you. I feel sorry for your boyfriend being harassed by this woman.

Wouldn't you feel upset if your boyfriends male friend messaged you like this and your boyfriend sat around being all wet lettuce saying ooohhhh hes just being friendly.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 19/08/2020 13:06

Absolutely not appropriate. You only contact your mates partners for surprise birthday ideas etc etc

Tell your Bf to keep turning her down she'll soon get the hint

Midsommar · 19/08/2020 13:06

The only time this would be acceptable was if this woman and your partner were friends before you got together. Other than that, it's weird. I am all for men and women being friends but this dynamic is very odd and I wouldn't be happy with it. YANBU OP.

Swallowzandamazons · 19/08/2020 13:07

Does your OH know you're uneasy about it? Is he taking it seriously too? I don't think you're unreasonable to be uncomfortable about her at all. I'd never dream of contacting my husband's friend's to ask them out for a drink, or dinner, not on their own. She's overstepping boundaries in such a breathtaking way that you're already anticipating she'll try to gaslight you when you object. That tells you all you need to know. Irrespective of her intentions, she's making you and your OH feel uncomfortable, and needs to stop. Frankly, I'd get your OH to be blunt, copying you in on the text (if that's possible) and then if she does it again, he needs to block her. It's totally inappropriate. She may not mean it, but that's how you both feel.

GrimDamnFanjo · 19/08/2020 13:08

That's just odd. I'd cool things off with her for a while and go along for drinks and dinner. Answer any texts from your phone.
It's not the male/female friendship per se but that she seems to be trying to create such an intimate one where there wasn't one before.

PennyDreadfuI · 19/08/2020 13:08

It's a big fat nope from me.

She isn't your friend, OP.

fierypepper · 19/08/2020 13:09

'if she wants a friendship with your partner independent of you, then she's no friend at all'

You all need to calm down! Okay it's a bit unusual, but she shouldn't need to 'justify' wanting to be his friend - you all sound like you are living in the fifties when people only had friends of the same gender! My best friend and boyfriend have hung out independently of me being there, for the sole purpose of getting to know each other better and getting on! Did it bother me? Not in the slightest, I encouraged it. If my partner wanted to sleep with someone else he wouldn't be with me 🤣

Perhaps this woman doesn't have many friends, wants to expand her friendship circle or sees no reason why she shouldn't hang out with your DP! It's only archaic viewpoints like we are seeing above that make this sort of thing a problem.

Dozycuntlaters · 19/08/2020 13:09

@edwardson
I am the odd one out, but I don't think it is necessarily weird to have a relationship with close friends' partners

No, nothing strange about getting to know your friends partner. However, to want to go out with them without your friend being there, inviting them out for dinner and drinks, that is very strange indeed!!

MoreListeningLessChatting · 19/08/2020 13:10

SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

TJ17 · 19/08/2020 13:10

@dontdisturbmenow

She's after your nan, just doing it in a way that makes it look innocent.

Keep an eye on her and your oh. He might be pushing her away right now but she could be persistent.

Jesus not her Nan as well Shock
InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 19/08/2020 13:11

She shouldn't be close to you anymore because she is not a friend. Your partner is the one who needs to shut this down. She gets away with this because no one has had the balls to tell her, 'That's inappropriate and not on. I know you because you're my wife's friend, that's as far as it goes.'

ForkHandlesplease · 19/08/2020 13:11

What are his thoughts on this? I'd have him reply " I like to spend my free time/socialise with my fiance, and i have to try and fit in my mates."

CatteStreet · 19/08/2020 13:11

If you want to remain her friend, ask your dp to say, next time she invites him somewhere or messages him, 'You're thegooseberry's friend, I'd like to keep it to that context, please'. If you're fine with (possibly) losing the friendship (and I'm not sure I'd be placing great value on it), he can be blunter - he can tell her you are both finding her messages inappropriate and you'd like it to stop. He could perhaps consider blocking her as well.

LillianBland · 19/08/2020 13:12

@Jussayingisall

We had a big chat about this, when we were all out in a group one night. We were with my wife's friends and we were talking about platonic friendships with the opposite sex. One of the ladies said to me "well we are friends aren't we" and I said no I wouldn't call you a friend, you are my wife's friend and that is how I know you, but if me and my wife ever parted, I wouldn't stay in contact with you.
Holy shit! There’s drawing boundaries and there’s sticking the boot in!
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/08/2020 13:13

She asks him if he wants to join her in an exercise class? WTAF?

He needs to tell her to back off, he's happy to be on good terms with his future wife's friends but he has no interest in any one-on-one activities or social events with her thanks, he has plenty of friends of his own.

It needs to come from him, without using you as an excuse (gooseberry doesn't like it etc), just saying he has no interest in developing a friendship with her that is beyond good acquaintance level, thanks, now eff off and delete my number.

popsydoodle4444 · 19/08/2020 13:13

YANBU

You say she's your "friend",yeah I'd be reconsidering that friendship.Theres nothing wrong with your friends becoming friends with your DP but your friend has previous form for sleeping with attached men and is single and thrives off Male attention and is targeting your DP.

Myself and some other friends have had to cool a friendship with the same female friend;she's been in and out of short relationships since splitting with her ExH a decade ago and over the past 2 years she's behaved shockingly towards some of our OH's;from being generally flirty to practically trying to shove her tongue down their throats.Not surprisingly no one really invites her to stuff anymore

2bazookas · 19/08/2020 13:13

Don't bother preserving that friendship; tell the bitch to stop fucking around with your DH.

HowFastIsTooFast · 19/08/2020 13:13

I don't like this at, based on the background information. DP is friends on social media with some of my friends and they might occasionally comment on each others' posts, or if we've discussed inviting them to join us for a drink/dinner it might be DP who sends the message rather than me depending who's phone is closer at the time, but there's no general chatting back and forth day to day.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 19/08/2020 13:13

I had a friend like that and she and my ex H had an affair .

OneTC · 19/08/2020 13:14

On these threads I'm normally like nah that's fine cos I do go out with my partner's friend but we all know each other through a common hobby

But I'd find it weird if she was as you describe in the OP

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