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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grandfather is being inappropriate around my dc

636 replies

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 09:52

I feel quite sick writing this post, but I really could do with some guidance and advice.

My father was extremely abusive when I was a child both physically and emotionally. He would tell my brother and I that he does not like children, and only agreed to have them for my mother. I have no happy memories of my childhood with him at all. My mother stayed, she tried to leave a few times but did not in the end. I am very close to my mother.

Fast forward to now. I have a low contact arrangement with my parents. I could not go completely nc because it would mean never seeing my mother again, as she does not drive and it is difficult meeting her on my own as my father is always there (retired)

We did have to go nc for a number of years and it was extremely hard for me, I missed my mother so much. We have started seeing them again, but I am careful to keep the meet ups brief and 'light'. However the last few times my father has taken to saying the following to my teen dc (16 and 14):

What lovely legs they have, shape etc
Weight - asking them how much they weigh - this is a no go area with teen girls in my view even if they are not overweight
Describing one of them as dressed provocatively - his words (She definitely was not it was just a pair of normal shorts)
He forces them to cuddle him, they obviously don't like it
He makes spiteful jokes about their skin and spots - made my dd cry all of the way home
Makes fun of their eyebrows (no idea why)
Comments pretty much non stop on something or anything to do with them. One of them is vegetarian and he went on and on about it.

It took a lot for me to pull him up on his spiteful remarks about their skin, as I still feel some level of fear around him, and his answer was that we being over sensitive and can't take a joke!
My reply is that his 'jokes' are not remotely funny and are causing offence. You can't speak to anyone like that, especially not teenagers. He said we lack a sense of humour and everyone is being too fluffy, and the dds are turning into 'snowflakes'...

Am I being precious and over sensitive?
Am I right to stop him from saying these to my children? They are, by the way great fun most of the time but my carefree girls who usually have easy smiles and cheerful dispositions have grown to mistrust him, and they now look edgy around both of my parents now. The eldest is now refusing to go, I respect that of course.

Where do I go from here?

I love my mother dearly, but can not reach her because he is always there, they live 3 hours away, I can't just drop in. I can't seem to have a relationship with her without having to put up with him. They are talking about visiting again, and I don't want them to. Christmas will be next...

I don't want him anywhere near my children again.

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 19/08/2020 09:56

Stop contact, inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.

On your mother, it is her choice to stay and it is her choice to not have a relationship she may have wanted her daughter/grandchildren.

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 09:57

Imo your dc can decide if they want to see him.
They could also decide to get closer to him and whisper in his ear to stfu you awful old git.. Then step back and smile at him...

EBearhug · 19/08/2020 09:59

Could you meet your mother and take her out to tea without him or something? Otherwise, you have to see her without your daughters (at 24 and 16, they can be left at home) or not see her at all.

Shizzlestix · 19/08/2020 10:00

Leave your dd at home if you feel the need to visit. He’s horrible. Certainly don’t invite them or allow them to invite themselves to your house. This is your dd’s safe place where they shouldn’t have to have idiots like him around.

belfastmillie · 19/08/2020 10:00

If you have to go, don't take your dc. I feel sorry for your dm and if you still want to see her then you can do so without your girls.
Spare them this hateful man, it's not fair to them and subconsciously they will feel that you're not protecting them if you continue to expose them to this kind of treatment.
for you it must be awful.

user1493413286 · 19/08/2020 10:03

Carry on seeing your mum (and dad if he comes as part of that) but do not subject your children to it any more. It’s not ok and letting him treat them that way teaches them the wrong thing about how they should expect to be treated

elfycat · 19/08/2020 10:03

If you allow this man to continue like he is then you will be teaching your DC that this is acceptable and to expect this from men going forward. If their mother finds this OK then it must be.

I have younger DDs (11 and 9) and all of those things are unacceptable in our house. Particularly the hugging - no way do you encourage children to have contact with anyone they're uncomfortable with.

SO many red flags, but then you know that. I know you want to see your mother but she's picked her side in this, and I'm sorry but you and yours weren't it. Remember it's HER choice if she doesn't see you and her grandchildren.

Onekidnoclue · 19/08/2020 10:03

Stop contact. You can’t let him abuse your DC. If your mother decides to stay with him rather than have a relationship with you and your DC that is her choice. It’s sad and it will hurt you but I’m afraid as a mother your job is to suck up that hurt if needed to protect your DC.
It’s shit but as the options are shit for you or shit for them you need to choose shit for you. X

tensmum1964 · 19/08/2020 10:04

I wouldn't subject my children to that. It is sad that going nc with them means that you wouldn't see your mother but its a choice she has made and not a lot you can do. She may have her reasons to stay with him, fear, control etc but you shouldn't sacrifice your daughters self esteem in order to maintain a relationship with your mother. Also his comments on your daughters legs, dress sense etc is very creepy and inappropriate.

JamieLeeCurtains · 19/08/2020 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:06

My mother gets so upset because she loves her gds very very much, and always tries to see them as much as possible, she actually calls them the light of her life. It feels cruel to cut them out of her life, but you are right I don't actually have much of a choice.

He is a cruel man, he always has been, and I have never been able to manage his cruelty, anger or malicious comments. Nothing I do makes any difference.

OP posts:

Purpletomato · 19/08/2020 10:06

You're unreasonable if you make your daughters spend any time with him. Your need for contact with your mum is a separate issue to their safety.

Alexandernevermind · 19/08/2020 10:08

Sorry to sound harsh, but your mother did not protect you from his unkind words and behaviour. Now history is repeating itself, for you to have a relationship with your mother, your own children are now having to relive the abuse.

WonderWebbs · 19/08/2020 10:08

The comments to your teenager DD's are totally inappropriate. To be honest you need to make a choice and I would, and have, chosen a child over a parent. I know it will be hard but your DM has made a choice as an adult to stay with her DH. It is your responsibility to make sure that your DD's are safe from your parents and sadly it seems that they come as a package.

You talk of abuse in your childhood but the remarks made to your DD's come across in part as sexual this would be the biggest red flag. Also cuddling against their will, quick hug to say hello and goodbye yes but cuddling your DD's aren't 5.

Good luck OP but IMO you are going to have to bite the bullet and put your DD 's needs above your DM.

hellywelly3 · 19/08/2020 10:08

Stop contact you don’t need this evil man to effect anyone else’s life. You need to protect them from him. He’ll fuck up their self confidence like he has with you. He’s a bully and gets away because he’s belittled everyone around him so much. You could still have contact with your mother. Pick her up if she doesn’t drive just wait in the car outside for her to come out.

KitchenConfidential · 19/08/2020 10:09

His comments were nasty enough to make your DD cry all the way home? They shouldn’t be having contact with him, protect your daughters!!

Cloudtraffic · 19/08/2020 10:10

You have been failed by both your parents - stop all contact immediately and show your DC what standing up for yourself looks like

Original poster

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:11

I think you have subjected your daughters to enough already, don't you

Your comment took my breath away. I have done my best to protect them actually and kept them away from him for years. Although you are right, of course, he has already managed to hurt them.

I was stupid to ever trust him even briefly. I thought he would eventually stop being so unkind if he realised that he would not see us again after the last time. I was wrong.

OP posts:

slashlover · 19/08/2020 10:12

Stop all contact with your DC, he is abusing them. Would it be possible to write your mum a letter telling her how you are feeling etc and then slip it to her without him seeing?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/08/2020 10:13

As difficult as the situation is you need to choose between the happiness of your mother and your children.

She should have stuck up for you as a child, and she didn't, now it's your turn to stick up for your kids and not allow this to continue.

Be the person you wish that you had growing up.

Your mother knows there are issues there so it won't come as a huge shock to her unfortunately.

Original poster

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:13

The sickening thing is I think there is a sexual element, I don't know why I think this but he comes across somehow like that.

Why the fuck is he even looking at the shape of their legs?
Why say it?

It makes me furious and angry that he feels he has any right to pass comment liken a leering old man.

This is my Dad for goodness sake. It is awful.

OP posts:

Onekidnoclue · 19/08/2020 10:13

It’s bloody hard OP if you’re not an absolute bastard to really understand how much of an arsehole some people are. Your natural inclination towards kindness means that’s what you expect in others despite how they have behaved time and again. Don’t beat yourself up. Draw a line and move on. X

Gatehouse77 · 19/08/2020 10:13

I would talk to my mother about what I'm going to do, why and how it makes me feel to be having to do this so that she is fully aware. Partly so there's no misunderstanding and partly so that she doesn't have to accept the father's version. I would also find out if she wanted to try and meet up behind his back and see if I could facilitate it. Make no promises.

I would also send a factual letter to the father stating my reasons as to why his behaviour is inappropriate. Make no threats.

neonjumper · 19/08/2020 10:14

I've just a couple of minutes ago just read a post by the.love.therapist about what gaslighting looks like ....the phrases used by your father were on that list .

Next time he says those phrases you need to tell him you're not being those things but he is abusive ... it will probably kick off but the alternative is you allow him to subject t your children to the abuse .

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2020 10:15

Is their father around? Can he tell jim what a pig he is?

Could you help your mother to leave?

In any case, your children should never see him again

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