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Original poster

Grandfather is being inappropriate around my dc

636 replies

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 09:52

I feel quite sick writing this post, but I really could do with some guidance and advice.

My father was extremely abusive when I was a child both physically and emotionally. He would tell my brother and I that he does not like children, and only agreed to have them for my mother. I have no happy memories of my childhood with him at all. My mother stayed, she tried to leave a few times but did not in the end. I am very close to my mother.

Fast forward to now. I have a low contact arrangement with my parents. I could not go completely nc because it would mean never seeing my mother again, as she does not drive and it is difficult meeting her on my own as my father is always there (retired)

We did have to go nc for a number of years and it was extremely hard for me, I missed my mother so much. We have started seeing them again, but I am careful to keep the meet ups brief and 'light'. However the last few times my father has taken to saying the following to my teen dc (16 and 14):

What lovely legs they have, shape etc
Weight - asking them how much they weigh - this is a no go area with teen girls in my view even if they are not overweight
Describing one of them as dressed provocatively - his words (She definitely was not it was just a pair of normal shorts)
He forces them to cuddle him, they obviously don't like it
He makes spiteful jokes about their skin and spots - made my dd cry all of the way home
Makes fun of their eyebrows (no idea why)
Comments pretty much non stop on something or anything to do with them. One of them is vegetarian and he went on and on about it.

It took a lot for me to pull him up on his spiteful remarks about their skin, as I still feel some level of fear around him, and his answer was that we being over sensitive and can't take a joke!
My reply is that his 'jokes' are not remotely funny and are causing offence. You can't speak to anyone like that, especially not teenagers. He said we lack a sense of humour and everyone is being too fluffy, and the dds are turning into 'snowflakes'...

Am I being precious and over sensitive?
Am I right to stop him from saying these to my children? They are, by the way great fun most of the time but my carefree girls who usually have easy smiles and cheerful dispositions have grown to mistrust him, and they now look edgy around both of my parents now. The eldest is now refusing to go, I respect that of course.

Where do I go from here?

I love my mother dearly, but can not reach her because he is always there, they live 3 hours away, I can't just drop in. I can't seem to have a relationship with her without having to put up with him. They are talking about visiting again, and I don't want them to. Christmas will be next...

I don't want him anywhere near my children again.

OP posts:
Miner49er · 19/08/2020 10:17

Your mother has made her choice. She chose to stay with your father, and notm o protect her child(you). Now you must make the choice. Protect your children or your mother? From the outside, it looks like an easy choice - protect your children. Your mother needs to make her own mind up.

I wouldn't let that man see my children ever again.

goatley · 19/08/2020 10:17

I would not visit again. Or if you do then stay in a nearby hotel and meet up with your mum only.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:17

Yes how do I manage this? Do I speak to my mother? HE is always there, listening, but I could ask for a private word, and tell her that I don't think his comments are appropriate and we won't be seeing him with the children anymore? She will sob and cry, there will be a huge massive drama however I do this. By phone or by letter.

Or I could just quietly drop the children out of visits. Not mention anything and only arrange to see my mother. Cross the bridge when I come to it, of why the dds are never there. I am low contact anyway, so we hardly ever see them. Twice a year more or less. Covid has been a saviour.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 19/08/2020 10:17

Your mother made a choice to put your vile, abusive father first before her daughter.
Don’t repeat her mistake.

dwiz8 · 19/08/2020 10:18

You need to stop contact now tbh

It's extremely damaging to your children to be around him. Just as it was damaging for you to be around him growing up

Your mother failed to protect you, you need to step in and be the mother you should have had when growing up to your daughters

My grandfather was an extremely abusive man, beat my father and gran black and blue growing up. We had contact however he was amazing with me and my brothers so although a horrible person (I wasn't told any of this until after he passed) he didn't continue the abusive behaviour with his grand children. Your father unfortunately is continuing the abuse through to his grand children and you need to protect your children.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:19

He is exactly like Jeff from coronation street minus the knife scene. I can't even watch it anymore because I find it so distressing, that is my mother's position. There is no point in trying to get her to leave, she won't and never will. I have tried for 33 years and failed.

OP posts:
Miner49er · 19/08/2020 10:19

You tell them both the truth. You don't like the way he speaks to them or behaves around them. You believe it is inappropriate. Your mother is welcome to visit, or you will take her out on your own.

Dyrne · 19/08/2020 10:19

Please protect your children - it’s a sign of how deeply damaged you are from your own upbringing that you’re even questioning whether this is wrong or not.

Show your daughters that this behaviour is not OK.

Support your mother if you can, but please don’t do it at the expense of your children.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/08/2020 10:20

@Friendsoftheearth

My mother gets so upset because she loves her gds very very much, and always tries to see them as much as possible, she actually calls them the light of her life. It feels cruel to cut them out of her life, but you are right I don't actually have much of a choice.

He is a cruel man, he always has been, and I have never been able to manage his cruelty, anger or malicious comments. Nothing I do makes any difference.

Its not your responsibility to manage his cruelty. Its not your responsibility to maintain your mothers happiness.

It is your responsibility to keep you daughters safe. So do not let your father see your daughters. And make it very clear to your mother that she will only see them if he is not around.

I understand that it is difficult to have these conversations and enforce them. My mother had issues all her life around food and weight, and used to make little comments about things we were eating or if we'd put on a few pounds.

I lived with it, but as soon as she started with my daughter, I warned her not to do it again. When she did, she didn't see my daughter for 6 months. After that, she had one lapse following which another 3 month period of no contact. She never did it again.

She was no where near as bad as your father. She wasn't meaningfully cruel, she just had her own issues and projected them on everyone else. But your child comes first, everyone else is secondary.

PermaStress · 19/08/2020 10:21

I'm sorry for you that your dad is so awful Flowers we don't get to choose family do we Sad

Yes absolutely you have to keep him away from your daughters. He's never going to change.

Can you pick your mum up and take her out for lunch with you to minimise any contact you have with the man? At this point I'd be upfront and blunt. "No of course I'm not going to bring the girls to see you any more, I'm not going to expose them to dad's awful comments and actions again." "Of course the lunch invitation is for mum not dad. Because he's an awful man and I don't want to see him, that's why.

WonderWebbs · 19/08/2020 10:21

OP another poster didn't mean to be unkind. As you said you have kept your DD's away for years. Sadly you hoped your DF would change. And there it is the hope a parent will 'wake up and change'. You must accept this will not happen with your DF and keep your girls away from his destructive nature.

Have you thought about a counsellor for you to work through your feelings from childhood? Whilst painful it can help moving forward and also accepting the reality of what fate dealt you.

SoPanny · 19/08/2020 10:22

@Alexandernevermind

Sorry to sound harsh, but your mother did not protect you from his unkind words and behaviour. Now history is repeating itself, for you to have a relationship with your mother, your own children are now having to relive the abuse.
Exactly what I was away to say.

Look OP, you know fine what you have to do and you have to do it.

Yes of course canvass your DCs for their opinion but unless they have a serious wish to keep visiting the grandparents house (unlikely) they’ll be grateful you’re showing them you’re not allowing them to be bullied PLUS you’re showing them that you’re protecting them.

I’m sorry but your mum and the possible loss of relationship therein is going to have to be a casualty of the action you know you need to take.

Unless your mum is frail, housebound, inform or at real threat of violence from your DF then she has to step up if she wants to maintain a relationship with your and the DCs.

OP, you know that your mum is unlikely to step up but it’s not contingent on you to make it happen, no matter how much you may miss her.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/08/2020 10:22

Why has your mother decided to stay with such an awful man?

But besides this, you will need to find a way to see her without him. Why can't you pick her up and go out for a meal/walk/tea? Away from their house and him.

Why can't she come and visit you by herself?

The whole thing is fucked up.

BlueJava · 19/08/2020 10:23

Obviously, it's up to your mum whether she leaves him or not. But if you still want to meet her then invite just her out instead - I think that's the only way. Could you pick her up or could she get a taxi to where you can meet? No way could I subject my kids to that - he sounds absolutely vile and I'm sorry you and your children have had to put up with him.

Disneyvillain · 19/08/2020 10:24

OP have you spoken to your DDs about your F and his behaviour towards you when you were younger? Is it possible for you to explain to them in broad terms so that they understand that the problem is him and not you/them? Perhaps it would be more empowering to teach your teens that they have done nothing wrong and how to defend themselves against such comments and behaviour? The more females tell him he’s out of order the better. You could also give them the choice of whether they want to visit or not and invite your mum on her own for a girls-only weekend x

GammyLeg · 19/08/2020 10:25

This is horrible to read - there is absolutely no way my children would spend another second in the company of this man.

Do whatever you have to do - what your mum couldn't. He's a creepy, aggressive bully.

neonjumper · 19/08/2020 10:25

You are becoming an enabler in the abuse of your children if you continue to subject your children to interaction with them ... yes, this includes your mother in this ... her need to see them is trumping protecting her granddaughters from the abuse just as she did not protect you from the abuse.

Bottom line is she either sees them by herself or she doesn't see them at all.

You could go up to see her , tell her you will pick only her up and take her out of the house . If she does not come out with you , she doesn't see them .

Beautiful3 · 19/08/2020 10:26

I think that your childrens feelings over ride your mothers, sorry. If it were me, I'd leave the children at home and visit my mother occasionally. Your mother made her choice, this is how she wants to live. You should be protecting your children from abusive comments, so why arent you? If its because it will hurt your mothers feelings...then somethings wrong with your priorities.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 10:26

Please protect your children - it’s a sign of how deeply damaged you are from your own upbringing that you’re even questioning whether this is wrong or not

Yes, because I question myself and my own judgement because he spent seventeen years hitting me, belittling me and terrifying me. He was an absolute monster actually, so compared to how he used to be, he does seem better. I am not sure I am explaining this well.

This IS his best behaviour believe or not.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 19/08/2020 10:28

Think it's one thing to have irritating relatives, but this is a continuation of the abuse he put you through.

First and foremost, you have an obligation to your DDs, and not to your mother who may not have condoned the abuse but nevertheless happened under her watch.

Stop contact and explain why to your DDs.

Eddielzzard · 19/08/2020 10:28

I totally agree with Alexandernevermind. Your mum has made her choice. You can choose to protect your daughters or keep your mum happy. Except she's not happy being married to such an awful man.

I would never let your DD's see your Dad again. I personally would visit without them.

SoPanny · 19/08/2020 10:29

@Friendsoftheearth

Please protect your children - it’s a sign of how deeply damaged you are from your own upbringing that you’re even questioning whether this is wrong or not

Yes, because I question myself and my own judgement because he spent seventeen years hitting me, belittling me and terrifying me. He was an absolute monster actually, so compared to how he used to be, he does seem better. I am not sure I am explaining this well.

This IS his best behaviour believe or not.

Doesn’t matter. Best behaviour or not you need to get your DCs away from the psychological damage of their grandfather bullying them and making inappropriate comments.

Step up.

Hidingtonothing · 19/08/2020 10:30

You can break this cycle OP, your DM didn't protect you but you can protect your girls and stop them growing up with his nastiness ringing in their ears and affecting their self esteem. It's your girls you owe your loyalty to, not your DM I'm sad to say, she chooses to stay and expose herself to his poison but she shouldn't expect you or your girls to do the same just to see her. If you/she can't come up with a way to see her alone then she has to accept not seeing you or her GC as a consequence of staying with him I'm afraid. Sorry, I know that would be hard on you too but that man has done enough damage, don't let him hurt you or your girls anymore Flowers

MilerVino · 19/08/2020 10:31

@Friendsoftheearth

My mother gets so upset because she loves her gds very very much, and always tries to see them as much as possible, she actually calls them the light of her life. It feels cruel to cut them out of her life, but you are right I don't actually have much of a choice.

He is a cruel man, he always has been, and I have never been able to manage his cruelty, anger or malicious comments. Nothing I do makes any difference.

She's just applying emotional blackmail to get what she wants. I feel sorry for her being stuck with him, but agree with pp that your daughters really do not need to be stuck with him too. And they need to know that you will prioritise them and that they are allowed to say no to people like this.
SoPanny · 19/08/2020 10:33

OP, what does your DC’s dad say about your DF?