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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell DD's dad about this?

189 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:00

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Shesapunkpunk · 19/08/2020 08:06

Why would it have anything to do with her dad? As long as you replace it. Why would you allow her to borrow such an expensive item in the first place though? If you are ok with her having one, can’t you buy her one with insurance? Maybe she is not ready for a really expensive one yet though?

FortunesFave · 19/08/2020 08:08

Can't you get her a phone? Cut the bastard of a Dad out of the issue?

He sounds AWFUL. That being said, your DD does need to learn how to look after a phone...especially one that's not hers.

It seems awful you are now paying to replace one her friend lent her when you could have just got her one yourself!

dontdisturbmenow · 19/08/2020 08:12

I think it's better to not mention it to him, but thats 3 phones she hasn't looked after in a short time.

Putting a phone under the pram is not the best place to keep it anyway, but such accidents do happen. Not so sure about the other times.

If she'd been my kid, she'd definitely had had a telling off. She does need to learn about looking after her phone previously.

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/08/2020 08:13

Definitely don't tell him. Also don't involve.him In Phone decisions. He sounds like a bully.

Are you able to look into getting her a cheap contract phone with insurance? There are 10pm packages out there. You could adjust her pocket money accordingly, at least for the insurance part.

Cheesypea · 19/08/2020 08:16

I'd be telling him as little possible, Google 'grey rock' its basically avoiding contact with unreasonable people. Really helped me manage my relationship with dds dad.

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:21

Thank you for all the replies. Im on furlough and both my fridge and washing machine went recently so I've been tapped out for cash, she borrowed the phone from her friend when the friends dad insisted that she borrow it as it was sitting in a drawer. Her dad doesn't pay me maintenance or anything or I'd use that to replace items like this.
I have told her off for not looking after the phone correctly and she seems sorry, however her dad won't think that's good enough and will be overly harsh with her.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 19/08/2020 08:24

Get phone insurance! All our family phones are covered by our bank account insurance.

purpleboy · 19/08/2020 08:25

Don't tell her dad, it's not hiding it's just he doesn't need to know.
I think the other phones sound a bit harsh too, if they were that bad when she got them then they weren't going to last long anyway. Maybe she took the blame for something that essentially wasn't her fault.
Could you get her to work for a new phone? Extra jobs around the house etc?

lyralalala · 19/08/2020 08:26

Was she actually responsible for the first two phones breaking?

If she had the first one for a year and it was already an old iphone did she actually mistreat it? Also the one from her dad was already smashed and with a loose back - how long did he think it was going to keep working for?

toomuchpeppapig · 19/08/2020 08:26

Don't tell her Dad. What happens when she's with you is up to you whether you want to share that info or not. Why on earth does he not pay cm for his daughter? Does he have her 50% of the time?

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/08/2020 08:27

Her dad doesn't pay me maintenance or anything

Why not?

I get that financially this is tough but you now have to fork out to replace this girls phone that was sitting in a drawer. There are some very cheap packages out there and phone insurance can be £4 per month.

Martamaybe · 19/08/2020 08:28

Borrowing a phone from a friend was a strange idea . Compensate the friend but don’t tell your dd’s dad .It’s nothing to do with him and is a bit of a non event to share anyway . If you can afford it buy her a phone yourself . It sounds to me like your ex is still controlling you 11 years on if you feel you need to discuss everything with him .You need to address that for your sake and your daughter’s. He sounds awful.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 08:30

Is the phone irreversibly damaged or can you try and dry it out thoroughly by and see if it still works?

I would certainly refuse to allow her to borrow or have expensive phones till she’s old enough to take care of them herself. One of my DC is forever breaking or losing phones. That DC is currently walking around with broken screen phone till I can be arsed to pay for it to be fixed. Think DC has learned a lesson it’s been a good six months of broken phone. I refuse to immediately repair or replace expensive items lost or broken thro carelessness.

ILoveFood87 · 19/08/2020 08:30

Dont tell him, he sounds awful. Poor girls probably having her confidence crushed at everyone of these instances. I've broke many a crap phone.

GetUpAgain · 19/08/2020 08:31

Have you put the phone in a bag of rice? Do that and leave it for a few days then see if it will work again.

Definitely wouldn't mention this to your nasty ex. None of his business.

ErinBrockovich · 19/08/2020 08:32

No way I’d tell him. To give him more ammunition to have a go at her for an honest mistake? Nah. None of his business really.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 08:32

Tesco does cheap phone deals you could get a Huawei on contract for very cheap with tesco

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:33

He doesnt pay maintenance because he thinks I'm bad with money. We had my DD when I was very young and sometimes I'd have to scrimp in areas as I was a single mother on a waitress wage. I think one time in particular I used money his mum gave me for a school trip to buy some food. Then I paid the trip later (arranged with the school before I did that) so he now thinks I cant be trusted with money. He fully believes he pays for half of her life but really he buys her some clothes and sometimes pays her school lunches. He is on a very high salary and pays for almost nothing. Im now an accounts student (still thinks I'm bad with money Hmm )

OP posts:
PopsicleHustler · 19/08/2020 08:34

If someone gave me two battered phones on their last legs I wouldn't be surprised they didnt last long.
However the one on loan from a friend should not have been placed in a buggy basket. I have had shopping fall out of my prams baskets .

Fishfingersandwichplease · 19/08/2020 08:35

He is on a need to know basis and he really doesn't need to know. Deal with it in house however you see fit x

PopsicleHustler · 19/08/2020 08:35

Go to safe for help and maintenance

PopsicleHustler · 19/08/2020 08:35

That was meant to say go to csa for maintenance

dododotheconga · 19/08/2020 08:38

When you say be punished her, what are we talking about OP, because if it's as bad as it sounds to the point she's scared of him then I think you have bigger problems than a broken phone.

JulesCobb · 19/08/2020 08:38

What the actual fuck? Ignore the phone issue. Phone the CMS and start a claim, if theyve actually Starting working again. Useless sacks of shit.

Stop allowing him to not pay to raise his daughter.

Martamaybe · 19/08/2020 08:41

He is bullying you ! It’s not his choice to pay maintenance or not please get that sorted out and stop all but essential contact with him . Also , if I had lent a phone that was in a drawer I’d not expect money for it so maybe your dd’s friend won’t either .

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