Not to tell DD's dad about this?

[Hopelesslydevoted0]

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

Well done

You dont need to give him a breakdown either of what the two of you do. If needed, just say he can ask daughter about her week when he sees her.

Its not him wanting to be involved, its him wanting to control, to be able to disapprove, to be able to criticise or have a go at you if you are not parenting to his exact standards, plus its also a way for him to insert himself into your lives, even though you are seperated. As others say, you may be 11 years seperated, but you are acting as if you are still married and that he is simply 'working away'

Why are you even speaking to him daily? You dont need to. Someone has suggested getting a cheap phone and using it just for him. Try emailing him for any arrangements - its much easier. It also creates a paper trail. If you have trouble standing up for yourself, its much easier to do it by email than in a phone call. You dont need to answer, just because he rings. Or you can keep it switched off.

The child maintanance he 'owes' is lost Im afraid. He has basically bullied you out of it for all those years. Keep that big lump sum in mind any time you start to weaken your resolve. Remember thats how much he has stolen from her, deprived her of. But definately apply asap because the clock starts ticking from the moment you apply and IF he starts fucking about, it will be backdated to that point. And he will no doubt. So the last 11 years is lost, but the next 6 is up for grabs. And if he dicks about they will take it from his paypacket and charge him for the pleasure.

Well done.

I wouldn't speak to him regularly. No need. Arrangements via text. You don't owe him any explanations.

Any questions like "why didn't she get the text?" Either dont reply or reply "I dont know". You don't need to provide him with answers or solutions.

Great decisions OP! You can do do this.

@Hopelesslydevoted0

Thank you all again. I have had to address some things within myself that I have had my head in the sand about and I have decided to take action. I have to show my daughter what it is to be a strong woman. I never considered that she would be learning from what I put up with rather than the words I tell her every day, that she is loved and strong and can do anything. I have made the initial call for maintenance, im now preparing myself to take a further plunge re: weekends. I also decided against telling him about the phone, in case anyone is still thinking about that. Thank you all again.

Wonderful, OP - well done :)

I imagine after 11 years, it's hard to change how you've always interacted with him. You've done really well to take that first step.

...also, brace yourself for an angry response from him. You know it'll come. But because you know it's coming, you can do everything possible to let it wash over you.

It's meaningless hot air - this is a legal requirement that he's bullied you to ignore for years. He knows that. And he knows he should have been paying, and the only way he can get out of paying is to bully you. So he'll bluster. And you need to be prepared to ignore (or 'grey rock' as MN says).

It'll be hard and probably upsetting, but so worth it. You're putting these boundaries in place so your DD doesn't have to. I don't know about you, but I would far rather an angry ex shouted at me than at either of my DDs. So while he's ranting, just keep visualising your DD and a shield that's growing in front of her to protect her from this.

My partner’s mother berated him every time he dropped something and he still panics.

Ex is a nasty controlling sod.

Are you going to let your daughter stay home this weekend instead of having her weekly 2 days of criticism? It would show her you're putting her first.

Sending you some virtual courage. I let my dd go to her df every weekend. I really regret that.
Good luck with your claim! I did not pursue my ex and am still kicking myself.

Christ don’t let him bully you out of the claim. He’s a tosser. He needs to pay for his kid. Don’t let him off with it because you think he will be mean. Friggen get the claim sorted and make the arsehole pay for his child.

Well done for doing the claim. I would also recommend looking at the freedom course as his behaviour is abusive.

Naturally if he wants to see his daughter he has to pay for fares. He was the one that moved away. Weekends should be every other and half holidays. It's unfair you get the drudge of school and no weekends. He can challenge it if he wants but no court would agree with him.

How are things OP? We are here if you need help in addressing any communication/bullying issues.

Wouldn't be at all surprised if he has a go at you over this. Check back in if you need support.

@Hopelesslydevoted0
Hi Devoted, how are you doing?
Hopefully, he has accepted the more assertive you, and your DD is getting a break from your Ex