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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell DD's dad about this?

189 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:00

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Modestandatinybitsexy · 19/08/2020 11:47

Oh OP I really feel as your dd enters her teenage years that she would really appreciate you putting in boundaries to enable her to live her life free of him if she so chooses. It must be exhausting having everything reported back to such a disciplinarian. I bet he doesn't follow up on her achievements, just her apparent misdeeds.

Please get access sorted through a court order, you deserve down time with your dd.

And please follow up on cms, he needs to support her financially, it's nothing to do with him how you choose to spend the money.

combatbarbie · 19/08/2020 11:47

So sorry, I thought the thread had loaded but can now see there is another issue.

Why have you never claimed CMS. He doesn't get a say in it, its a legal requirement. You will only receive from the date of the claim.

I would also get a court ordered contact arrangement and ask for EOW as the standard is.... If he is an hour away its not really feasible to have mid week contact but you should not be sending her every weekend. And by the sounds of it she doesn't want to go anyway..... She has a voice, courts will listen to her, let her have her say.

This man is an abuser to you both.

Ch0colatecake · 19/08/2020 11:49

Hopelesslydevoted0 This particular phone has nothing to do with her dad, so I wouldn’t be telling him anything.

combatbarbie · 19/08/2020 11:51

And if he asks why the message he sent on Monday didn't go through just say the friend needed the phone back.

Jux · 19/08/2020 12:05

Please do the CMS; it will put you on a more equal footing with him as it will help you afford something like a phone for dd, not necessarily an iPhone but it doesn't sound like she's ready for one anyway.

You can get second hand, reconditioned phones quite cheaply from almost any mobile provider, just look them up. Then you either have a contract for the sim or payg. That also means that whatever phone she has she can use the same sim, and he'll never know whether she's broken another one or not.

He bullies you because he can. Don't let him. There's no need for you to speak to him directly anyway. I would just email him saying that it's in her best interests to spend some weekends with each parent and therefore you would like her to remain with you eow. When does she get to see her friends?

Reluctantcavedweller · 19/08/2020 12:22

It doesn't matter if he thinks you're terrible with money. It doesn't matter if you are actually terrible with money and go and blow it on new clothes and getting your nails done Hmm. He doesn't get to judge you. He still has to #*@&# pay for his child! Your DD has been losing this money which could help provide a better standard of living for her.

The phone is a non-issue except so far as it points to his parenting being excessively harsh and controlling. I agree with pp above that you should speak to her about being more careful... She sounds quite careless with her things. No need for her father then to lay into her as well. She's getting old enough to make decisions for herself about how much contact she wants with her dad, so maybe try pointing that out to him if he's unreasonable with her. EOW sounds like it would be better.

LittleBearPad · 19/08/2020 12:36

@combatbarbie

And if he asks why the message he sent on Monday didn't go through just say the friend needed the phone back.
Just ignore him.

Your DD is old enough to decide to answer / not answer his messages. He’s not in charge of your life

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2020 12:49

OP you are still letting him abuse you and now it is going over to your daughter.

She shouldnt be going every weekend to that kind of environment where she is scared and whats more at 12 she is at the age where a court can modify an order

I think you need to apply for maintenance and get legal advice regarding getting the right level of contact set up. EOW sounds right for him right now

ITs going to be hard and its going to get nasty but your DD needs you too

JulesCobb · 19/08/2020 13:06

OP you are still letting him abuse you

Wow. What an atrocious use of language. Making him passive in his abuse of op. Shifting the blame to her. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2020 13:18

@JulesCobb yes I do concede it is not the greatest of words but I dont think it makes him passive or shifting the blame - at least that wasnt my intention.

Perhaps he is still continuing the abuse of you and now it is going over to your daughter would have been better.

But she does need to take action does she not?

Viviennemary · 19/08/2020 13:32

I agree with getting a court involved and a more formal arrangement. This man has far far too much influence on you. How dare he be so critical. You need to stop all communication except totally essential stuff. He's a pain in the neck.

WellThisIsShit · 19/08/2020 13:38

It sounds like you have done a great job of showing love and parenting in difficult circumstances.

As well as unconditional love and fair parenting from you, the best thing you can teach your daughter is how to value herself equally to men.

Most importantly is teaching her how to protect herself from men (well, people in general), seeking to dominate, control, ill treat or generally be abusive towards her in any way.

Now it’s time to ensure your daughter understands boundaries:
She needs to have boundaries
She needs to be able to use those boundaries to enable her to get through life happily and safely

I think this is the most important thing to focus on right now, go teach her by teaching yourself about your own boundaries.

It sounds like this awful man has seriously eroded yours and has had you bullied and oppressed for all these years. I recognise it as I’ve been through it myself. I’m not living it now though, as DS’s father, my husband, ran off and hasn’t been in contact since DS’s 4th birthday party. He’s almost in secondary school now. But I’d say I’m still healing from what he did to me, as I never ‘got back out there’ as I’m too afraid of getting into the same pattern of emotional abuse and control. It makes me sad though, but infinitely better than living controlled and dominated by a bad person.

Good luck

jackstini · 19/08/2020 13:44

100% echo other posters that you need to apply for maintenance

He gets angry because he knows he owes it and has got away scot free for so long!

If he takes his frustration out by being nasty to dd consider formalising contact

Try drying phone out or see what the cheapest possible contract is on one

So sorry you are in this mess OP, you deserve all the help & support you can get Thanks

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 14:05

Thank you all again. I have had to address some things within myself that I have had my head in the sand about and I have decided to take action. I have to show my daughter what it is to be a strong woman. I never considered that she would be learning from what I put up with rather than the words I tell her every day, that she is loved and strong and can do anything. I have made the initial call for maintenance, im now preparing myself to take a further plunge re: weekends.
I also decided against telling him about the phone, in case anyone is still thinking about that. Thank you all again.

OP posts:
Rhubardandcustard · 19/08/2020 14:15

Don't get why he needs to know. Op my ex was (still tries to be very controlling) but since divorce he doesn't get to know anything that happens here or visa versa me when dd is with him. Only thing I would tell him is anything of a medical nature for dd. This situation happened under your watch so he needs to know nothing about it.

timetest · 19/08/2020 14:27

You’ve made a great start. Stay strong.

LittleMissRedHat · 19/08/2020 14:31

@Hopelesslydevoted0

Fantastic, well done, absolutely loved reading that post! Stay strong and if you start to feel cowed again, keep reminding yourself of your own words above. You are showing your daughter that you are no longer a victim and that no-one has to put up with such abhorrent behaviour. You are no longer with him and his words can only have power over you if you allow them to. And now you won't!!

Notfeelinggreattoday · 19/08/2020 14:41

Why haven't you gone to csa or whatever its called now for money or do you share custody 50/50
If you dont do 50/50 its not up to him to decode if he gives you money
Also from what you describe first 2 phones broke due to old age , 3rd just bad luck

ilikemethewayiam · 19/08/2020 14:54

Well done OP! Seeing you stand up to him will give DD the confidence to make her own decision about contact with him. No doubt he will kick back given he’s had his way all these years of your compliance. Stay strong. there are so many women here that have been through this so can help and support you with great advice.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2020 15:17

Get her a cheap PAYG phone if you want (but with her Dad using it to check up on her, I would think twice).

Don't tell him she has another phone - and certainly don't give him the number. Let him provide a working phone that she uses only to communicate with him. She can check it once a week. Same with yourself.

Buttercupsandroses · 19/08/2020 15:23

Well done op you definitely are doing the right thing putting in a maintenance claim he has no right to control you the way he is

katy1213 · 19/08/2020 15:27

The phone is none of his business. You need to pursue him for proper maintenance. And your daughter is old enough to decide if she wants a relationship with this bully.

TenDays · 19/08/2020 15:37

Your ex knows you can handle money, he's gaslighting you and anyway that's no excuse for not paying maintenance.

You need to go to the CSA as has already been suggested and see what you can get out of him. Your daughter is entitled to proper support.

Giving your daughter crappy old phones is a bit contemptible, although it would have been a bigger deal if she'd wrecked good ones. She does need to take better care. How about a sturdy case for the next one?

I do think though that even if the phone issue were resolved (say, she has a good second hand one and takes care of it) he'd find something else to harass her about.

Ernieshere · 19/08/2020 15:39

she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something

I wouldn't let her go.

Chocolate4me · 19/08/2020 15:49

Great start calling about the maintenance.... You need a bit more independence from this man, she will be old enough to say no to visiting him soon so I hope he starts to look at his behaviour. His behaviour over the phone isn't too ott tbh, although if the phones were due to break soon then it's a bit of an over reaction. Even adults have mishaps with breaking phones!!! But his attitude to you is awful, you don't need to listen to his reply over maintenance. Perhaps write a letter stating your concerns, you need a bit more control over money, your daughter doesn't want to go to his every weekend... Say she wants to see her friends more now she is older, and that you don't want any confrontation so he needs to back off... Or communication will end up having to be via a solicitor or courts!!!