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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell DD's dad about this?

189 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:00

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 19/08/2020 10:14

Every other weekend. IF she wants to go.

merryhouse · 19/08/2020 10:17

Everything they all said.

Also: get your daughter a bum bag. There are loads of pretty or funky ones on Amazon. She needs somewhere to keep her phone and we all know what girls' pockets are like...

beautifulxdisasters · 19/08/2020 10:18

You are worth a thousand times more than a man who doesn't pay what he owes towards his child. Please get a maintenance claim in!

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 10:20

Bloody hell he's abusive isn't he.

Definitely do the list a PP posted, file a CMS claim, tell him you will be having DD every other weekend as you and she need quality time together and she needs to be at home and able to be with her mates and have a normal social life.

Stop responding to all his messages immediately or skip some all together unless it's to discuss pic up or drop off for contact.

Stop centering your lives around him, he's on the periphery and your DD certainly has a say in whether she goes to him or not at aged 12. Given you have historically bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, it's time you concentrated on you and your DD.

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2020 10:22

Please read @LannieDuck post and follow to the letter
Your life will vastly improve

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 10:22

Don't ask him tell him you will be keeping Dd over this weekend and moving forward Contact will be every other weekend, so DD gets time to rest at home, meet friends, spend time with you etc.

frazzledasarock · 19/08/2020 10:25

@LannieDuck

You're no longer in a relationship with him. You are his equal. What you want and your decisions are just as valid as his. He doesn't get to tell you what to do - he can ask, nicely, and you can consider whether you agree.

You need to reset your boundaries with him. Treat him like an annoying colleague, or a vague acquaintance.

Lodge a CMS claim. It doesn't matter if he likes it or not.

Let him know you'll be having DD every other weekend. If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court. Courts do not look kindly on one parent doing all the mid-week work and the other parent getting all the fun time. (Does DD have a preference for where she spends her time?)

Stop telling him the minute detail about what goes on in the time you have with DD. Give him the important bits - e.g. her dentist says she needs braces / she's had a cold since Monday - and nothing else. (At 12 she's probably old enough to do this herself?) I'll guess he doesn't give you every detail about DD's time with him? And he doesn't need to - it's unhealthy and unnecessary. Your life is no longer his business.

It sounds as if you're trained to 'confess' to him when you or DD does something wrong. He doesn't have that authority over you. He doesn't need to know that the water spilt on DD's phone - ignore his questions about it. I agree with a PP - tell him she returned it to her friends' Dad. Get her a cheap PAYG phone if you want (but with her Dad using it to check up on her, I would think twice).

Stop driving her to him each time (if you still are). He chose to move away, so he does the driving.

In only a few more years, DD will need to handle this relationship with her Dad herself. You need to set the boundaries now to help her establish a healthy (not controlled) relationship with him in the future. At the moment you're showing her that she has to give him what he wants when he wants it. I'm guessing that's not a lesson you want her to learn?

This This This

MsEllany · 19/08/2020 10:26

Has anyone else pointed out that he couldn’t keep a phone from being smashed but expects his daughter to?!

And you’re ‘bad with money’ but are able to support your daughter on one wage?

AND he had you travelling to drop her off?!

Fucking hell OP. I agree with everyone else. Stop the weekends. Go to CMS. I’d even go so far as to say get another SIM card for your phone and only look at his messages once a week. He’s abusing you from a distance.

NettleTea · 19/08/2020 10:30

yes, totally agree with this. CMS and YOU decide with your daughter on contact going forwards. perhaps start when school starts if you feel you need an excuse, that she has friends etc she wants to see, and she wants to spend fun/down time with her mum.

and as for being bad with money? If he had paid the mainatanance for the last 11 years you probably wouldnt be bad with money. Maintanance isnt used in any benefit calculations, so this would all be 'extra' to what you had. You say he is high earning. as a rough estimate, its about 12% of his salery. For 11 years.Just tot that up in your head and work out how much money he has stolen from his own daughter, and have a think how much that sum would have helped over the last few years - paid for school trips, paid for days out, paid for food for her.
And that doesnt mean he gets out of paying for her when she is with him either. I bet he doesnt contribute half as much as he thinks he does.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2020 10:32

Well aside from the fact that he obviously sounds unpleasant and there's no need to tell him as it was on your contact time, he does have a point that you telling her off hasn't been "enough". I wouldn't be buying a phone for someone who had recently broken three.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/08/2020 10:32

I've only got to page three and no one seems to have said it bluntly yet.

He is abusive.

He is abusing you and your daughter.

Get him the FUCK OUT of your lives whilst also taking him for maintenance. Contact Women's Aid and ask them for advice about financial and emotional abuse.

crochetandshit · 19/08/2020 10:34

Agree with everyone else re cms. If he pushes for an answer on the phone, say it needed to be returned to the owner.

dwiz8 · 19/08/2020 10:35

I wouldn't tell him

But that's a lot of phones she has now damaged. I personally wouldn't be giving her another one until she learns to take care of things!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 19/08/2020 10:35

Please step back and look at what's going on as if it were happening to your sister or your best friend or your daughter. After 11 years, he is still controlling you and you are terrified of him. Please take notice of what @LannieDuck and others have said, for both of your sakes.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 19/08/2020 10:40

@dwiz8 one of them was really old and it broke.
The other was given to her also old and already with a cracked screen and a loose back and it wouldn't turn on.

Original poster

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 10:42

I have searched online for info on maintenance and it looks like he owes me a lot of money. I am terrified to actually apply and I cant put my finger on why. In the past when I've asked him to start paying he has been very angry and has said horrid things about me and I cannot be bothered to listen to it all again.

OP posts:

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 19/08/2020 10:42

He sounds like an abusive arsehole. You definitely need to claim maintenance and see if you can get counseling about setting boundaries

YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/08/2020 10:46

The other was given to her also old and already with a cracked screen and a loose back and it wouldn't turn on

Makes you wonder if people actually read ...

I don't think that the freind's phone was really about neglicence. It was just bad luck.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/08/2020 10:47

Get a cheap phone that you use just for him. Leave it off most of the time. Check every now and again
Definitely put a claim in. What a cheek, denying his DD what she deserves because he says you are bad with money.
Google grey rock. And work on your self esteem. You are doing a great job on your own and he is failing at every turn.

You got this

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 19/08/2020 10:48

Well he's a bit of a hypocrite kicking off that already broken and smashed up phones have been further damaged and stopped working.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 19/08/2020 10:52

@Hopelesslydevoted0

You don't have to listen to any of it. Move contact to email instead of phone,or just don't read it. You don't have to inform him, CMS will.

And remember that everything he says ,he says to keep you under his control and to try and bypass his responsibilities.

Eddielzzard · 19/08/2020 10:53

You don't need to listen to him again. You can get a phone that you use only for him. Or he can use an email address. You leave the phone switched off and switch on when you feel strong. You're in control then.

You tell him when he'll see your DD. That is now in her control.

You're scared to go to the CMS because he's still got control over you. End that control. He has no right to that control.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 19/08/2020 10:53

@YetAnotherSpartacus they probably do, but a lot of people have preconceptions about teens,especially when it come to tech so they just register what they want to. 12 yo,one year,3 phones.

Waveysnail · 19/08/2020 10:58

Apply for the maintencance. Its your daughters money. You could then get her contract phone with good insurance.

OneForMeToo · 19/08/2020 10:58

Go claim maintenance for a start. Also this is why dirt dirt cheap phones where made. Once my oldest managed to sink a couple of good hand me downs accidentally he had a £9 dinosaur phone as it was called when he kept that good he got a £50 stupid smart phone once that was kept good his not back to an expensive phone in a stupidly massive protective case. He knows if he breaks it his back to the stupid smart phone. Good incentive to be extra extra careful.

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