Not to tell DD's dad about this?

[Hopelesslydevoted0]

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

He legally has to pay you maintenance for your daughter. He can’t just decide not to because you’re “bad with money.”

Just put the bloody claim in. And take what you deserve re: weekends.

There is no need to engage with him. Just put in the claim to CMS and let them do the rest. Get some control back. Grey rock works well with people like him.

@Hopelesslydevoted0

I have searched online for info on maintenance and it looks like he owes me a lot of money. I am terrified to actually apply and I cant put my finger on why. In the past when I've asked him to start paying he has been very angry and has said horrid things about me and I cannot be bothered to listen to it all again.

Don’t listen to him.

You don’t have to answer his phone calls.

He is abusing you.

Please put the claim in. He is taking the utter piss out of you. That money is for your daughter to give her a better life! CMS will do it all and when he texts; just ignore it.

Don’t ask him for 1 weekend a month either... tell him!

Just read tour post again. When you say punished and went bezerk, what do you mean? It just sounds more extreme than a bit of a telling off.

Don’t ask him for CMS.

Go thro CMS have them collect the money, he can pay either directly to you or pay them and you’ll be deducted a their fee but he’ll pay double that amount to them.

If he pays you directly via CMS, check your bank account every single month and if he starts playing silly buggers and doesn’t pay on time speak to CMS about it not him. They will chase him and threaten him with an attachment of earnings order and additional fees.

He’ll behave for them.

Take the power away from him. Stop begging and placating him. He has no power over you.

Take the power away from him. Stop begging and placating him. He has no power over you

Do it for your DD, not just so she has money, but so she knows how to recognise and stand up to abuse. Right now, she is being trained to accept abuse.

I can’t see any reason whatsoever why you would need to tell your ex about this. I would however sit my daughter down and have a word with her about respecting other people’s property (who puts a phone in the bottom of a pram?) and I would not be replacing it for her anytime soon.

Why are you allowing him to dictate the terms of your life? Does your daughter actually want to go there every weekend?

Hi OP, I think it would be advisable to contact Women’s Aid to get real life support on getting this abusive man out of your life. You have taken the first step by posting on here and the response must be a little overwhelming. Do you have strong people in your life you could talk to? If not, please try to talk to someone at Women’s Aid.

Whilst I don't think you can back-date a CMS claim, you could at least have a bit more money going forward - and then equip your dd with her own phone.

Take a look at the relationships board here OP.
Post there for some more good advice.
You have had some helpful advice here, but AIBU does attract some unpleasant people too.
I agree with PP who are telling you to contact Womens Aid.
You are entitled to CM, and you should not be doing any travelling, neither should your ex be having your DD every weekend.
Your DD is 12. Her wishes around contact will be taken into account now.

It does sound as though you are locked into the habit of allowing him too much influence over your life. Yes, you still have to communicate regarding your daughter (although if he keeps up the shenanigins she might well vote with her feet and refuse to see him, now she's of an age to), but you could strictly limit that to specific channels (designated phone/email only/3rd party).
You have been separated for 11 years. He should have NO influence over you now. You're an adult.

Hes having taking the P!
I wouldn't discuss what happens with your DD when shes with you, small issues are nothing to do with him.
If he makes an issue with his message not going through I personally would take the blame, I'd say that I lost / broke it or that it was so old that it no longer works. Domt let him berate you, hang up if he starts.
I'd also make a child maintenance claim and get something in place for access, it's not on that he has your DD every weekend but be prepared that he may try for 50/50.
Also, remember that you cant change people but you can change how you react to them.
Disengage with him when hes being a tool, hang up the phone, hopefully he'll get the message

Most of the time, maintenance isn’t back dated so you only get it back from when you apply for it. I would not be making my child go with there father at that age, especially if he is like you say he is. She has a choice and you need to back her up on it and deal with the fallout because she obviously only has one good parent! Block his number until contact, that is if your daughter wants to still go.

Sorry you’re going through this. Although you’re separated, he is still abusing. As evidenced by you feel anxious about maintenance claim. You don’t have to tell him we everything and he shouldn’t be asking. It’s just another form of control.

Firstly, no do not tell him about the phone, it is none of his business. If you can get her a cheap replacement phone and transfer the sim over to it then she can still message him if she wants to.

Definitely look into and apply for maintenance via CMS, it takes them a while to set it up and you'll only be entitled to maintenance from the date you apply, as far as I know they don't backdate it.

Also, you can ask for maintenance to be calculated and then collected for you by the CMS 'collect and pay' service. You will need to explain to them that he is controlling and abusive to be considered for collect and pay.

This service will cost you 4% of the maintenance awarded to you, and will cost him an additional 20% on top, so is a useful bargaining tool if he refuses to pay or messes you around once the CMS have assessed what he should be paying.

Finally, if he has moved an hour away you are not responsible for getting her to him for his contact time, that is his responsibility. Also, your daughter is entitled to time with both parents at weekends, so I would change that to every other weekend so you get equal relaxed time with her. If he wants more time with her he can drive over one evening and take her out for tea then drop her home.

Good luck! It's scary standing up for yourself when you're used to going along with an abusive person's wants to avoid conflict and he will probably kick off and tantrum massively at first when you say no to him, but you are a mother, you can do this! It is also very empowering when you realise you also have a say in how your life is and what behaviour you will and won't accept. He is not the boss of you!

Cms money would pay for a new phone. Ring them today. You're already scared of him without claiming so you may as well be scared of him.and get the money.

OP have you considered contact womans aid? I know you are not in a relationship with him but he is still very controlling and I think you could do with some help in asserting yourself. Perhaps the freedom programme might be good for you.

Good luck you sound like a fab mum.

You have two separate issues here. You're still complying with everything your ex wants from you, despite not even getting your legal entitlements from him. You need to get out of compliant mode. The cunt has had things his own way long enough.
As for the phone, kids are kids, and it's beyond me why a child of 12 should be given a piece of expensive kit to carry around all day and cop the flak when things go wrong, but that's why your DD had the old clapped out phones, so it didn't matter if they went wrong, right?
The friend's phone is a different story, but that was just bad luck, and is possibly savageable anyway. You've had plenty of suggestions on that front, so I won't add mine to the pile. But your ex can whistle for a say in this, seriously.

@Hopelesslydevoted0 contact Women's aid. Have a look into doing the Freedom Programme. I would highly recommend it.

You might be separated, but you are still under his control. He is still abusing you. You need all the help and support you can get . So does DD.

If he wants more than 3 weekends a month, he can go to court and ask for it. They'd be very interested in his reasons for not paying maintenance.

And the thing about wanting to be "involved" during the week? No. He wants to be in control during the week. As long as your daughter's needs are being met, he has no right to know any more than that. You need to put strong, clear boundaries in place.

Your daughter is free to open or not open his messages as she chooses.

If he is abusive or domineering when he speaks to you then all contact needs to be in writing, and only about things that are relevant to contact with your daughter. Once you've told him that, then any other contact is reported to the police as harassment.

He won't respond well to having new boundaries put in place and not being able to control you. It usually gets worse before it gets better.

Old iPhones do not last IMO, my daughter has had 2 hand me downs and the batteries are not designed for years of use. So the phones he has given her old and smashed are just duds. She should never have been punished for it.

For the current one, I'd pay the market value to the child.... IPhone 5 or 6 is about £100.

Clearly she's of an age to not need a brand new phone so I'd look at a 2nd hand Samsung etc as their batteries are much better. And mention nothing to her dad.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Im going to ask him for a weekend each month at least.

He has you conditioned to be subservient to him even though he is not a part of your life any longer.

This ISN'T your fault! Horrible as it sounds, he has "trained" you to seek his approval and permission for EVERYTHING! For your sake and your daughters you need to fight back.

He isn't paying maintenance - you don't ASK him for time with your own child - you TELL him; If he wants anything at all which is going to eat into YOUR budget, then he pays for it. If he doesn't, it doesn't happen.

Do you have friends or family who can help support you through this?

Your first act of "rebellion" will be the hardest - and it probably will be very hard for you as he has emotionally crushed you both - but it WILL get easier, I promise. Every time you stand up for yourself and your DD, it will be easier than the time before.

It's really important fo her, too, tolerant that she doesn't have to let a man control her life choices, not does she have to explain or justify every single thing she does,

I apologise if I seem to be criticising you - I'm not. I've been there myself and know how undermining years of being told you are stupid, incompetent and useless can be. It worms its way into your soul - but you can get it out.

You can do this!

^^This with bells on!

Sounds like you are still married to him. He is still controlling you and your daughter from his castle. You seem to think that his opinion matters. Listen carefully, you are no longer anything to do with him except that you share a child. He is taking the piss by making a unilateral decision to not pay maintenance for his daughter and you’ve just accepted it and accepted his reasons. Fck that, he doesn’t get to decide that. You are raising his daughter entirely at your own expense and still allowing him to rule your lives And he doesn’t even live with you. It’s unbelievable! You really need to grow a back bone. Put your foot down now. Go to CSA for financial support and block him on your phone. Speak to him only by email. Jeez, your daughter is getting the message loud and clear that men are the authority over women’s lives. You must change that now. Don’t tell him about the phone, it’s got fck all to do with him, none of his business!

Sorry to sound harsh but you need to do this for your daughter.

I'd sort out the phone. No need to lie just dont tell. But she'd get no more phones for the time being. Too careless,