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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell DD's dad about this?

189 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:00

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 09:21

I didnt expect this level of support from this, im actually a little emotional reading the replies. Thank you all. I'm going to think on the maintenance claim, if im being honest he makes me feel like I'm worth less than him with the way he treats me. He also has my daughter every single weekend which now we are out of lockdown is very upsetting as I now only get her for the school part and he gets her for all the enjoyable fun parts. Im going to ask him for a weekend each month at least.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 19/08/2020 09:21

Old battered phones break more easily than new ones so this isn't a careless issue. I wouldn't tell him and would gently mention to your DD not to. All things being equal, I would CMS if you have that in your jurisdiction as his opinion of your money-managing ability shouldn't be a factor.

Good luck.

Phbq · 19/08/2020 09:22

I don’t understand why it would have crossed your mind to tell him about the phone? Why has it got anything to do with him?

Berthatydfil · 19/08/2020 09:22

Totally agree.
What HE thinks about your money management is irrelevant. You are entitled to child maintenance.
Also as your daughter is 12 she certainly has a choice about whether she sees him or not.

Contact is for her benefit and it isn’t his right and if his behaviour is as you describe it’s questionable that she gets any benefit from contact with him.

Zilla1 · 19/08/2020 09:25

Please think about whether he has conditioned your thinking - I'm going to 'ask' him for a weekend a month - negotiate for half. He says I'm 'rubbish' with money - think how could a high earner try to avoid paying - tell her she can't be trusted.

That said, tactically it may be better to sort regaining your entitlement to weekend time before engaging with CMS as CMS is usually calculated on nights so he may resist weekends more if it will cost him.

Good luck.

JulesCobb · 19/08/2020 09:25

I'm going to think on the maintenance claim, if im being honest he makes me feel like I'm worth less than him with the way he treats me. He also has my daughter every single weekend which now we are out of lockdown is very upsetting as I now only get her for the school part and he gets her for all the enjoyable fun parts. Im going to ask him for a weekend each month at least

Be is controlling you by making you ask for money. He should be providing it.

He should absolutely not be having all the weekends. What was the arrangement before? People on here can help you word an email to him to state either reverting back now things are back to a more normal, or better, fairer changes moving forward. Women on here are amazing an drafting firm but fair emails to asshat men.

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 09:27

@Phbq

I don’t understand why it would have crossed your mind to tell him about the phone? Why has it got anything to do with him?
He asks me everything as he wants to feel "involved" through the week when I have her. He has already messaged me asking why his message he sent her on Monday didnt go through to her phone.
OP posts:
bugsinarow · 19/08/2020 09:28

At 12, isn't your daughter able to refuse to go to her Dad's if she wants to?

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 19/08/2020 09:28

@JulesCobb

What the actual fuck? Ignore the phone issue. Phone the CMS and start a claim, if theyve actually Starting working again. Useless sacks of shit.

Stop allowing him to not pay to raise his daughter.

This. Go to the CMS end of. What happens in your care is for YOU to discipline and deal with. All of these are accidents. Shit happens. Why are you letting him control you when you aren't married and don't live together (even if you were married BTW he shouldn't be controlling you). Does she actually want to see him?
trevorandsimon · 19/08/2020 09:28

You dont need to ask his permission. You put in a claim for CMS and you set up a fairer system where you get two weekends each. You are not his child, dont ask.

bugsinarow · 19/08/2020 09:30

He also has my daughter every single weekend which now we are out of lockdown is very upsetting as I now only get her for the school part and he gets her for all the enjoyable fun parts. Im going to ask him for a weekend each month at least

Is this a court order that it is like this or has he controlled you into agreeing with it? If the latter, change it. He doesn't get to decide that.

Martamaybe · 19/08/2020 09:30

I second everything Zilla1 said . Look upon today as a turning point to improve things for you and your daughter . You can make this better

LittleMissRedHat · 19/08/2020 09:34

Does your daughter actually WANT to spend time with her dad?

Purpledaisychain · 19/08/2020 09:36

Sounds like the old iPhones 'died' of old age. From my experience, smart phones only have 2-3 decent years in them. You were both careless with a friend's phone. Phones shouldn't be left side by side with water bottles, no matter how leak proof they are supposed to be.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 19/08/2020 09:36

Make today the day things change for both of you. For the better. Make that CMS claim, he has no say in it.

Change contact to every other weekend. If he kicks off or doesn't agree,let him take you to court.

After all,neither of you benefit anything (financially,emotionally,mentally) from being in contact with him. Just bullying,control and abuse.

You both deserve better. You are better.

Original poster
Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 09:37

He used to have her a couple of weeknights and part of the weekend, but he moved an hour away and then told me he would have her weekends. For a while I felt I had to take her up on the train a coyple of times a month which cost me 30 quid each time for trains and taxis.

OP posts:
Strawberrypip · 19/08/2020 09:38

it's incredible to me that he has been so controlling over you and your daughter that you think he even gets a say in this situation. she is your daughter too! you get to decide any punishment/retribution of bad behaviour. however, I have to say the first 2 phones do not sound like they were her fault and more a case of genuine wear and tear with age. I also put my phone under my babies pram so again, I cant see that she has been deliberately negligent in this case either. to sum it up, no I wouldn't tell her father about this as she doesnt deserve the punishment or telling off he would no doubt give. also, break this cycle of him still being able to control you both even from afar for your daughters sake. a father, should be loving and caring and someone you can go to when things get tough, someone you should look to for guidance but certainly not someone to be feared or controlled by.

Eddielzzard · 19/08/2020 09:40

What a total arsehole. I have nothing useful to say other than echo PP's very good advice. I do think giving your DD the option to reduce her time with him is very wise. He's clearly awful to her too.

oakleaffy · 19/08/2020 09:44

Tip for screens..Get one of those glass screen protectors {£10}. and a proper protective case for it.
They {so far!} have saved my phone when it fell to the ground out of a pocket, and slipped from under my elbow when wrangling shopping.
The glass overlay cracks and the screen itself is 'safe'.

Phones in trouser pockets are a bad idea.

refusetobeasheep · 19/08/2020 09:45

Sounds like you are still in an abusive relationship with him despite not living together. Time to change that. You do not need to converse with him or go along with what he says. I would move all communication to in writing so you have a trail (and time to respond as he now doubt brow-beats you). Talk to your DD about how often she would like to see her dad and then let him know this is what you propose. If he disagrees, just keep re-stating your offer. In the end he would have to go to court to try and get what he wants - and at 12 your DD will be listened to. Don't be afraid of court - he will talk like it is his weapon but it really is not. And I agree start the child maintenance route. Currently he retains power over you by the constant communication and holding the purse strings - both of which can be changed. After years of this you will be feeling powerless but really you are not.

Berthatydfil · 19/08/2020 09:45

Tell him the friends dad asked for the phone back.
You’re paying for the travel - wow he has really got you dancing to his tune.
Is the contact court ordered ?
Ask yourself - What is she getting out of the relationship with her father. Nothing apart from learning how to be conditioned into an abusive relationship.
Stop contact , block him on your usual means and set up a new email just for him, and you must claim maintenance.

If he goes to court the judge will listen to what she wants and even if contact is ordered it will be unlikely to be every weekend or 50/50 if he lives so far away.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 19/08/2020 09:48

He used to have her a couple of weeknights and part of the weekend, but he moved an hour away and then told me he would have her weekends.

Then it's time you tell him that you will now be keeping her every other weekend.

It was his choice to move away, he doesn't get to decide that you get no 'down time' with your daughter because of his decision.

As for maintenance, that's not his choice either. Maintenance isn't some sort of reward for being good with money that he can bestow at his discretion, it's his contribution to raising your daughter. Go through CMS, your DD deserves that money.

I wouldn't bother telling him about the phone either. Old, battered phones break. They aren't designed to go for years and years, although sometimes you can get lucky with them. Unless your DD was being particularly careless I don't think it's fair to blame her for wear and tear. This one is a shame and yes it was careless, but do see if you can dry it out (don't try to turn it on!). You'd be surprised at how well some work after water damage. Fizzy drink damage on the other hand...

Purpledaisychain · 19/08/2020 09:48

Don't ask him for anything. Tell him that you want her every other weekend. Does she even want to go to her dad's?

Sunnydayhere · 19/08/2020 09:48

On a need to know basis he doesn’t.

How often does he see her? That may lessen as she gets older and assumes more control over her life.

Get a tough case for the next one. I’ve had various survivor cases, cheap via ebay. They may not look pretty but they do the job.

I’ve yet to damage a phone. ( unlike my own, adult, children)

Purpledaisychain · 19/08/2020 09:49

Tell him that you are having her every other weekend.