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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell DD's dad about this?

189 replies

Hopelesslydevoted0 · 19/08/2020 08:00

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 19/08/2020 09:49

@Hopelesslydevoted0

He used to have her a couple of weeknights and part of the weekend, but he moved an hour away and then told me he would have her weekends. For a while I felt I had to take her up on the train a coyple of times a month which cost me 30 quid each time for trains and taxis.
Oh OP he really did a number on you, didn't he?

He's not a good father,he's not a good coparent. He is a controlling,abusive one.

None of what he says is true. He's just continuing to abuse you and beat you down, so you stay under his thumb.

You've had 11 miserable years of this. It's time to stop listening to him and his abuse and do what's best for you and your daughter. Trust your instincts. You're a good person and a good mother, you know what's right.

DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorld · 19/08/2020 09:49

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck. Call the child maintenance people and get some legal advice about how much this abusive prick has your daughter.

Imagine his face opening the letter that will tell him how much he has to pay you! Fucking turd.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2020 09:51

Im going to ask him for a weekend each month at least.

He has you conditioned to be subservient to him even though he is not a part of your life any longer.

This ISN'T your fault! Horrible as it sounds, he has "trained" you to seek his approval and permission for EVERYTHING! For your sake and your daughters you need to fight back.

He isn't paying maintenance - you don't ASK him for time with your own child - you TELL him; If he wants anything at all which is going to eat into YOUR budget, then he pays for it. If he doesn't, it doesn't happen.

Do you have friends or family who can help support you through this?

Your first act of "rebellion" will be the hardest - and it probably will be very hard for you as he has emotionally crushed you both - but it WILL get easier, I promise. Every time you stand up for yourself and your DD, it will be easier than the time before.

It's really important fo her, too, tolerant that she doesn't have to let a man control her life choices, not does she have to explain or justify every single thing she does,

I apologise if I seem to be criticising you - I'm not. I've been there myself and know how undermining years of being told you are stupid, incompetent and useless can be. It worms its way into your soul - but you can get it out.

You can do this!

GertrudeCB · 19/08/2020 09:51

Do not allow this piece of shit to control you any more. CSA .

Katela18 · 19/08/2020 09:51

Sorry buts it's not his choice to just decide you don't get maintenance because he thinks you are bad with money! The money if for the child, not you. Absolutely go to CSA and get what your daughter is rightfully due.

mummmy2017 · 19/08/2020 09:52

Please do the child maintenance today.
The money he has to give you will really change your daughter's life, and that is what it is for .

Lovemusic33 · 19/08/2020 09:53

There’s no need to tell him as it’s nothing to do with him. I don’t tell my dc’s dad anything that happens whilst they are with me (which is almost all of the time) unless it’s something he needs to know.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/08/2020 09:53

*to learn that, not tolerant

BlueJava · 19/08/2020 09:54

Nothing to do with her Dad, it didn't happen when she was with him. He sounds a real arse by the way - I'm sorry!

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2020 09:54

He’s still abusing both of you. Change contact to every other weekend and half of holidays. Say you can’t take her up anymore. Offer two weeknights every other week if he does the travelling of course. He can take you to court, he won’t get every weekend back.
Apply for csa. Continue to support your daughter- if it’s not her dads business he doesn’t need to know. If she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to. Tell yourself every morning you don’t give a fuck what he thinks, you will be fair to you and to your dc, and he can go jump.

00100001 · 19/08/2020 09:55

As PPs said.

Tell him he sees her EOW from now on. If he doesn't like it, he can collect her and drop her off every weekend.

Don't tell him about the phone. see if it dries out and starts working. Buy a cheap one for now, you can get cheap ones second hand or for about £30 if that's affordable?

Rewis · 19/08/2020 09:55

It sounds like the phones breaking hasn't really been her fault or her not being careful. But he doesn't need to know.

Purpledaisychain · 19/08/2020 09:55

You are still letting him call all the shots. I agree with other posters. Communicate in writing so you have a trail - keep a log of anything unpleasant he says/does to your DD. If she wants to reduce her time with him, let her. If he does take you to court, your DD is of an age where she will be listened too. The fact that your ex used to control you and is still being controlling towards you in terms of finances etc will carry a lot of weight. Plus the fact that he is controlling and harsh with your DD.

Shizzlestix · 19/08/2020 09:56

Id be telling your dd that she doesn’t have to see him if he’s so bloody vile to her. Have you been through cms for maintenance? How does he think she is looked after financially day to day? Is he a bit stupid?

diddl · 19/08/2020 09:58

Poor you & your poor daughter.

If you can't dry out the phone, can the friend's dad claim on his house insurance?

Does your daughter enjoy her time with her dad?

If not, I'd be supporting her in cutting down/ceasing contact.

If she does, he still doesn't get to see her every weekend.

As for his abuse/bullying of both of you couched as wanting to be involvedSad

I hope that you can manage to take some steps for both of your sakes.

Your daughter shouldn't have to be subjected to him.

Where are her rights not to be abused in all of this?

Brefugee · 19/08/2020 10:00

you sound pretty bad with money if you're not taking every possible step to get at least the minimum amount of maintenance for her.

His phones - meh, she's 12 and they were old. That's what old phones are for. What would he have done with them otherwise?

The friend's phone is more tricky - but have you told them? maybe they let her have it because they don't really need it?

timetest · 19/08/2020 10:01

He’s a bully and financially abusive. CMS today and sort out proper contact, every other weekend and evening per week. He sorts out travel arrangements. Don't discuss the phone with him, it’s none of his business. If your daughter doesn’t want to see him (from what you say about him, that would be understandable), I doubt a court would force contact on a 12 year old.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2020 10:01

@WhoWants2Know

So he's emotionally abusive to her and he's financially abusing both of you. Regardless of whether he thinks you're good with money, you need to recognise it for what it is.
This.

OP you’ve got to protect DD and stop letting him abuse you both.

He knows full well you aren’t crap with money it’s simply his excuse to financially abuse you.

If DD doesn’t want to see him, that’s ok.

CorianderLord · 19/08/2020 10:02

Gosh he's clearly abused you into feeling like a servant.

Get maintenance through CMS - he doesn't get a say.

Get a court order in place for contact - what's fair.

Do not tell him everything - not his business. When he asks 'why didn't my message go through', tell him the network is acting up so you're taking her phone into the shop. Also explains why she doesn't have it when he sees her.

Remind her constantly that she is worthy, smart and good.

TatianaBis · 19/08/2020 10:02

At 12 DD does have some say in whether she wants to see him.

LannieDuck · 19/08/2020 10:03

You're no longer in a relationship with him. You are his equal. What you want and your decisions are just as valid as his. He doesn't get to tell you what to do - he can ask, nicely, and you can consider whether you agree.

You need to reset your boundaries with him. Treat him like an annoying colleague, or a vague acquaintance.

  1. Lodge a CMS claim. It doesn't matter if he likes it or not.
  1. Let him know you'll be having DD every other weekend. If he doesn't like it, he can take you to court. Courts do not look kindly on one parent doing all the mid-week work and the other parent getting all the fun time. (Does DD have a preference for where she spends her time?)
  1. Stop telling him the minute detail about what goes on in the time you have with DD. Give him the important bits - e.g. her dentist says she needs braces / she's had a cold since Monday - and nothing else. (At 12 she's probably old enough to do this herself?) I'll guess he doesn't give you every detail about DD's time with him? And he doesn't need to - it's unhealthy and unnecessary. Your life is no longer his business.
  1. It sounds as if you're trained to 'confess' to him when you or DD does something wrong. He doesn't have that authority over you. He doesn't need to know that the water spilt on DD's phone - ignore his questions about it. I agree with a PP - tell him she returned it to her friends' Dad. Get her a cheap PAYG phone if you want (but with her Dad using it to check up on her, I would think twice).
  1. Stop driving her to him each time (if you still are). He chose to move away, so he does the driving.

In only a few more years, DD will need to handle this relationship with her Dad herself. You need to set the boundaries now to help her establish a healthy (not controlled) relationship with him in the future. At the moment you're showing her that she has to give him what he wants when he wants it. I'm guessing that's not a lesson you want her to learn?

GabriellaMontez · 19/08/2020 10:09

Why doesnt he pay maintenance?

You sound terrified of him. Why does he still have so much control after 11 years?

Imaystillbedrunk · 19/08/2020 10:11

The answer to why his message hasn't delivered is that you gave the phone back to the friend. Bie does not need to know it was because it was broken

GabriellaMontez · 19/08/2020 10:12

So sorry, I just read your further updates. He's still abusing you. Please take some of the advice from these wise posters.

Protect your daughter. Dont let her fall into this awful pattern.

Contact cms today.

oakleaffy · 19/08/2020 10:12

@Hopelesslydevoted0
Your Ex sounds like a right little sh*t.
Please DO get maintenance off him...he will have to pay it,..no getting away from it. {My ex tried saying he ''didn't earn enough'' as was self employed.

There was a Radio 4 case about this ,a few years back of a single man who was extremely careful with birth control/ condoms, {he wanted to protect against STD's/pregnancy} He wasn't in any permanent relationships, and wanted to avoid any 'accidents'.

He bought his own condoms, kept them safely, and put them on, himself.
He had a claim from CSA, and said it ''Couldn't possibly be his child.''

A DNA test proved it WAS his child, when it went to Court.
He had to pay.

He asked the woman {a one night stand} ''How did you do it?'

It was mind boggling how she did it... basically harvested the condom contents left in the bin as he was in the shower, and did an artificial insemination. she was 'desperate for a baby' as time was ticking on.

Even though she admitted this, he still had to pay.... so your ex partner most certainly will!

He shouldn't be letting you pay the public transport to deliver your daughter to him, either.
He needs to collect her himself, IF your DD is happy to go there.