Not to tell DD's dad about this?

[Hopelesslydevoted0]

my 12 year old daughter had her first phone for a year. It was a very old hand me down iPhone. It broke and her dad was livid, said she was irresponsible etc and punished her. I fought her corner as it was an old duffer. He caved and gave her his old one, which was also very old and all smashed up. Within a few months it was broken, wouldnt turn on and looked just as bad as it did when he gave it to her (screen all smashed and back slightly loose) he went berserk and punished her again. Now she had a phone on lend from her friend and she and I walked to town the other day, amd she put it under my pram not knowing my water bottle was in there. Its a completely leak proof bottle usually so when we realised it had leaked and the phone was wet my daughter panicked as she knew her dad would go crazy at her. He is way too hard on her imo and she doesn't love going to his as he's constantly at her for something. AIBU to not tell him about this newest phone disaster and deal with it privately? I'll tell the little girl she borrowed it from's dad what happened and pay him for it, and apologise of course. DD's dad was/is very controlling of me and often gives me rows as well despite us being broken up for 11 years. Thoughts?

He doesnt get to decide whether he pays maintenance, you do. Sounds like he's still controlling you.

No dont tell him about the phone, it's no business of his. Your dd will have to make do with no phone or a cheap none smart phone until you can afford to get her one.

I'd try drying out the phone in rice in a warm place.
Or take the back and battery out and sit it by a window in the sun (if we get any today) .

As for maintenance why don't you claim through CMS?

I think you should buy a new phone really. If a girl's dad is reacting so badly, I don't think you should tell him. I think a good way is to buy a phone she dreams about and I am sure it will last you for more than a year. She will value it if she cares about it.

Don't tell her dad - and good for you for fighting her corner when she needed you to.

And get her a thick rubber bumper-style case and screen protector for her next phone. If this keeps happening (especially in the midst of her fear of her father) it's not a DD issue, it's a systems issue. Poor kid.

Put the phone in rice and get a claim in with the CMS. Poor girl. I would not tell him. What happens on your time stays on your time.

Wow he sounds like a class a knob!!

Get a CMS claim in- the phone ‘issues’ if you can call them that are not important at all.

Take control back and get that financial help you and your daughter are entitled to!!

Firstly her dad sounds really over the top.

Secondly your DD does need to learn to look after her phone better if she's gotten through 3 so quickly. I didn't just chuck a phone at the bottom of the pram basket regardless of whether there was a bottle of water in there or not.

Thirdly this particular incident is nothing to do with her dad so I don't see the point in telling him. Not his phone, he wasn't there, he isn't being expected to fix the problem.

Why haven't you contacted the csa, make that the first call you make today

How did he punish her? I'd go to the Csa for maintenance.

He will confiscate her stuff as punishment, but the thing that makes me not want to tell him things is the way he speaks to her. I get the impression that he berates her and I'm scared it will affect her confidence. Im almost entirely the opposite, so she is used to me building her up and punishment rarely goes beyond a calm talking to in my home. I think he expects her to be perfect when he clearly is not. He will often readdress things that I've already spoken to her about as if he is trying to undo my parenting.

So he's emotionally abusive to her and he's financially abusing both of you. Regardless of whether he thinks you're good with money, you need to recognise it for what it is.

Child maintenance is not up to him and there isn't a "good with money" tick box. Go through CMS and hopefully they'll sort it for you. I say hopefully because they can be utterly useless sometimes.

On the issue of the phones, one was very old and one was cracked and with a loose back, ofc they bloody broke. Especially iphones which are not designed to last years and years. Apple wants people to buy new phones as often as possible.

So I'd say she only broke the borrowed phone, which was a bit careless to put under the pram but it was ultimately an accident.

Do not tell her dad. It's none of his business, especially given the way he reacts. She only has a few years of this and then she can refuse to see him.

I drop my phone and all sorts all the time, so for the next phone, just get one of the double layer bumper cases - my last phone came out of one of those pristine after 2 years, so they're totally worth it (and you can get them for a reasonable price on Amazon).

This latest phone, do try the rice thing, it's surprising how often it brings stuff back, and if it was me who'd lent it to you, it really would have just been an old phone sitting in a drawer, and the last thing I'd worry about is you replacing it if it got broken, so don't automatically do that - just talk to them and find out (and if they do want a replacement, ebay)

I've always bought cheap second hand phones, and never bothered with insurance - after all, my plan is only a tenner a month, why would I spend another 4 on insurance for a 200 quid phone.

@JulesCobb

What the actual fuck? Ignore the phone issue. Phone the CMS and start a claim, if theyve actually Starting working again. Useless sacks of shit.

Stop allowing him to not pay to raise his daughter.

THIS!

IN SPADES!

Who the heck does he think he is, continuing to control your lives and bully you?

What a tosser!

You need to put a CMS claim in. He doesn't get to decide if you are good with money or not (and you clearly are since you are financing your daughter solo!)

Also tell him as little as possible. I would never normally advocate that, but he has no right to use things that happen with you to berate your DD

@dododotheconga

When you say be punished her, what are we talking about OP, because if it's as bad as it sounds to the point she's scared of him then I think you have bigger problems than a broken phone.

^ This

Also - does she want to continue keeping in contact with him?

Because at 12 she is of an age to make that decision, I think.

I appreciate that she may love him, and want to please him, but if she is worrying herself sick about his reaction to quite ordinary minor accidents, she might want to think about how much contact she has.

Her choice, obviously.

Do try and dry it out using one of the many available methods.

It's surprising how often drying it out works if you act quickly.

Contact cms now and get him to actually pay maintenance.

I don’t think it is necessary to tell him as it has nothing to do with him. Can she do some jobs at home to help you? Just one or two a week. Pay her 50p or a £1. Let her earn the money for a new phone buy a cheap pay as you go phone. When she has enough saved up she can get one and some credit. If she uses all the credit too soon you don’t top it up. She will learn. We didn’t get DD a phone until Secondary school she was still a bit careless with the first one. She learnt to look after it.

No he doesn't need to know. It's hardly a major life event and you're dealing with it. Even if he hadn't previously reacted badly I'd see no reason to tell him, but obviously that's more reason.

Start claiming maintenance. Do it now.

Sounds like he's horrible to her as well :( I'd be speaking to her about whether she wants to spend time with him.