AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

I think you need to say to your DH that you are bothered by it and that if he doesn’t say something you will. Otherwise it’s just going to eat at you

Is there a significant age gap? Eg 3 previous kids they were in their 50’s but now they’re mid 60’s and would struggle with sleepovers and living off pensions?

Whats the ages though if the kids? Older ones easier to manage. Sometimes I think grandparents run out of energy

My ex mil is the same. She favours the 3 gc of her daughters, never bothers with her sons children.
Fine, makes things easier for me. I don't bother with her anymore. She's a sad joke to my kids. Her loss

DP’s parents are like this. DP has an 11 year old with his ex wife, shes an utter superstar. But they just don’t give a fuck about her, never have, never will even when DP and his ex were still married, they’ve met his daughter maybe twice when she was small and then once when she was 5, at our insistence. And nothing since, she’s 11 now.
I’m pregnant and I’m sure they won’t give a fuck about this baby either.
I don’t get it it. But if they don’t care about my family, frankly I can’t bring myself to care about them.
DSD has lovely grandparents on her mums side and she comes away on holiday with my family as well so she’s not without people to love her.

NC here for this reason.
FIL has his balls in stepMIL’s handbag.
Her DGC had trips,visits,sleepovers, our kids not a look into.

Several instances of treating our family as an afterthought.

Fuck them, their loss

You can't force these people to be interested in something they're not. Show them the same consideration that they show your children, which is none. Don't be involved with them at all.

Your kids don’t care so don’t worry about it either. If you see them make vaguely polite conversation but other than that don’t give them any thought. They are irrelevant.

You can't force these people to be interested in something they're not. Show them the same consideration that they show your children, which is none. Don't be involved with them at all.

I totally agree with this from Aquamarine1029

You can't change who they are & make them interested or care. What you can change is how much you & your children are exposed to their lack of interest - which should be not at all. As your children get older they will notice the obvious inequality & that can be damaging. I would have nothing to do with them and keep my kids away from them unless it's unavoidable like a funeral or wedding. Your husband is welcome to continue to see them as much as he wants, that's up to him

We have this but just solve it by very low contact. I play them down to the dc, we only see them every 3-4 years.

Dc just accept and the girls don’t seem to be bothered.

It awful but it could simply be because they are older and easier, or the fact their parents aren't together so they over compensate. I think if uoure dc are very young then yabu as young kids are tiring.

Yep, and I just let it go. DH sends photos, FIL sends cards and birthday money but that’s it. DD actually refers to him as ‘uncle’ and doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest by the lack of interest in her. My parents actually live 10,000 miles away and have seen her more than he has (in person, because DD video calls my parents quite often, they have an awesome relationship) - he met her a grand total of 3 times in 11 years. I used to care but now I just think he’s the one missing out...

"my DH isn’t bothered"

He isn't bothered that some of his children are being treated far differently/better than others?

@LouiseTrees

I think you need to say to your DH that you are bothered by it and that if he doesn’t say something you will. Otherwise it’s just going to eat at you

I’ve done this many times over the years but it’s like it’s just accepted by him that this is the way things are. It used to really upset me now I just feel sad that they are missing out on two pretty fantastic grandsons

There is an age gap but actually there are younger grandchildren from sil and bil who get overnight stats. It’s literally just my two that are excluded

@Aquamarine1029

You can't force these people to be interested in something they're not. Show them the same consideration that they show your children, which is none. Don't be involved with them at all.

This is exactly how I feel and how I’ve treated them for years now. I refuse to go to their house unless invited which means once a year at Xmas. They never come to ours to see their grandchildren so it means unless we bump into them in blooming Sainsbury’s then we can literally go for months with no contact. No phone calls nowt. It’s pathetic right?

@Onceuponatimethen

We have this but just solve it by very low contact. I play them down to the dc, we only see them every 3-4 years.

Dc just accept and the girls don’t seem to be bothered.

I’m glad your Dc accept it, mine do too but I still feel bad for them. They have done literally nothing wrong but are treated so differently

I’m sad but glad to see it’s not just my family that have this. Now my ds are teens it’s not so bad as they can see the lack of a relationship is down to their gps and not anyone else. When they were little is was harder fielding questions like why don’t we get to stay over when our brothers do or why don’t they come to my birthday etc

I would be happy never seeing them again but is that selfish? My boys are happy enough to see them but conversation fizzles out so quickly because the gps just don’t know them. It’s like how’s school and that’s it!

@FrenchBoule

NC here for this reason. FIL has his balls in stepMIL’s handbag. Her DGC had trips,visits,sleepovers, our kids not a look into.

Several instances of treating our family as an afterthought.

Fuck them, their loss

Yup definitely their loss but it’s still horrible to witness isn’t it? I know we’re all biased as mums but you think how dare you not be obsessed with perfect little human we created?!? Well I thought that anyway

I am your sons in this situation. My grandmother treated my brother and I totally different to the other grandchildren and the older I got the more obvious it became. My mother was insistent on us continuing to see my grandmother, a respect thing and we couldn’t be seen not to visit her. But I hated every single visit.
Keep your sons away, they may seem like they aren’t bothered but they notice and while life isn’t always fair, children should not be made to feel 2nd best ever.

@2BoysLoading

I am your sons in this situation. My grandmother treated my brother and I totally different to the other grandchildren and the older I got the more obvious it became. My mother was insistent on us continuing to see my grandmother, a respect thing and we couldn’t be seen not to visit her. But I hated every single visit. Keep your sons away, they may seem like they aren’t bothered but they notice and while life isn’t always fair, children should not be made to feel 2nd best ever.

I’m sorry you’ve been treated that way but thank you for sharing your perspective. We are honestly down to one visit a year and I don’t think I could not visit at Xmas it feels evil! But maybe it would be better for the boys? I think nearer the time I’ll ask them and dh how they want to spend Xmas and see what they say

My own mum does this and of course it hurts. BUT, I get to decide how much her behaviour impacts us and I actually like feeling like I only have to make as much effort as she does. Which is pretty much zero. It is freeing, I get to spend time with the people I actually want to be with. We will always have some contact, so my kids know their family, but I only do it on my terms now. (Took a lot of soul searching and tears to get here, but it is so bloody good)

Oh and we stopped going for Christmas, and Christmas has gone from being a massive chore to being the best time ever. I see my family every year at least once usually more (I live overseas) They never visit me though. Last year I went home for the first time and did not visit them (flying visit) it was the best trip ever! 😂

@Shesapunkpunk

My own mum does this and of course it hurts. BUT, I get to decide how much her behaviour impacts us and I actually like feeling like I only have to make as much effort as she does. Which is pretty much zero. It is freeing, I get to spend time with the people I actually want to be with. We will always have some contact, so my kids know their family, but I only do it on my terms now. (Took a lot of soul searching and tears to get here, but it is so bloody good)

Love this! You’re right it’s almost like I don’t have to pretend to care anymore about them. My dh said not long ago you don’t care about my parents do you and I was able to say actually I care as much as they do!

I’m sorry your relationship with your mum isn’t good but putting your energy into relationships that matter to both parties is surely better for everyone right?

@Shesapunkpunk

Oh and we stopped going for Christmas, and Christmas has gone from being a massive chore to being the best time ever. I see my family every year at least once usually more (I live overseas) They never visit me though. Last year I went home for the first time and did not visit them (flying visit) it was the best trip ever! 😂

A long time ago I told my dh we weren’t going there actually on Xmas day anymore. We now visit either Xmas eve or sometime between Boxing Day and nye. It felt so good to stop doing something that brought so little enjoyment but much stresss!