AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

@WendyHoused I’m not sure if being a second wife and second lot of gc is what’s going on here but it’s interesting.

I don’t feel over invested but maybe I do let it get to me too much. Definitely food for thought there thank you

@MrsOldma - it is such a massive cliche, but honestly I don't care! I grew up as an only child living in the south east with one set of family in Scotland and one in Norway so I've never been close to my grandparents. I don't have aunts or uncles (and by default no cousins) either.

It's their loss, I feel bad for my DC but luckily they don't seem to have noticed and my parents dote on them.

@Orchidsindoors that really made me smile! I don’t want them to feel jealous exactly but I hope one day they appreciate what they could have had. I think I maybe want the acknowledgment from them that they’ve been utter scumbags and I’m not imagining it all!!

Our DCs have little interest from grandparents. Distance and age are big factors, but there is also an element in us not being our parents' favourite children which has become more exposed with age.
Society does expect close, wholesome GP/ GC relationships, and loving, local willing, recently retired grandparents nearby to support in wider family life. You notice it when you're the anomally in an area where most people haven't moved more than 5 miles from where they went to school.

Favouritism between sets of cousins is not great. Between siblings is worse. In my family there was a blended family of step and half siblings. Grandparent favoured biological grandchild of wife 1, and barely considered biological grandchild of wife 2 as hers and even said "well he's not the same is he?" Naturally step grandchild was very much bottom of the pile. So while grandchild 1 was indulged and parents could not match up the difference, it caused massive damage to self esteem both to the golden child who was never as loved and indulged again by anyone else, or the stepchild who was always overlooked and held to blame (e.g. at school for not having the right things). The child who came off lightest was the youngest who was least influenced before the grandparent's death.

@BogRollBOGOF I think you’re bang on about societies expectations about how a family should be. I’m so sorry that people in your family were treated that way, it’s just awful and it’s interesting you highlight the effects on all the children.

In my situation all the gc are biologically related to the gps. That’s what I’ve never been able to get my head around. In contrast my dps are nicer and more inclusive to my stepchildren than their own gps are to their gc. It’s a total mess

@MrsOldma

friendsoftheearth I’m not trying to force anything. I’ve long given up on there being any meaningful relationship between them.

I just wondered how others in a similar situation manage to limit damage. And to see if anyone knows why people act this way

I know a few grandparents who disagree with the choices made by their adult children with regards to having a second family. They make more of an effort with the children left behind as they are usually reliant on having a good relationship with the ex to ensure contact continues.

You can’t force a relationship that they don’t want and if your children are teens then your step children must be much older so presumably don’t bother with sleepovers etc now.

I have a MIL like this. Her loss. The kids don't really know her and don't miss her.

Mrsoldma...I think they probably do realise what they could have had, they will have had plenty time to think about it. They are probably inwardly ashamed. That's what I thought about mine anyway. It will never leave you, these thoughts, I still think about what my pills did to us and theyve been dead a few years now. If I could give you any advice, just try and let it go, theyve treated you badly for long enough. Its on them, not you.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss the sleepover thing was just an example from when they were younger you’re right they don’t need that now although one of my dss does still stay over occasionally

While I understand the point you’re making about second families and maintaining relationships it’s not relevant here. My dss mother died, she had no close family and we had sole custody of all children. (Well my husband did as she died before we met and then I joined the family)

My grandparents always favoured my cousins and my Aunt has done the same with her children (favoured the daughters kids over the sons). My Dad died when I was 13 and we had hardly any contact with our grandparents after that and we didn’t inherit anything from them. I don’t think there has been lasting damage from it even though we were very aware of it as kids. My other grandparents were lovely and we had a very close relationship with them.

What sort of relationship does your DH (and you) have with his eldest three children? Maybe his parents didn't approve of his divorce.

Sorry just seen your update, ignore my post

@Murinae I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m glad to hear that you don’t think there are lasting effects from it, that’s what I’m worried most about. I’m glad you had a good relationship with your other gps, my boys have that and I hope that although it highlights the difference it makes up for it too.

Thank you for sharing

My PILs haven't seen my children since last Xmas when we went to visit them. FIL has spoken to them on FaceTime since then, but that's the extent of contact. There is an issue of distance - they live in another European county - but they've never made the slightest effort to maintain any meaningful contact, and it's only gotten worse over time, and since my SIL has children (in their home country, daughter of MIL).

I have found it incredibly hurtful. I've also worried about the effect of this lack of interest on their wellbeing and self esteem. My parents are dead so my kids don't have any family relationships with adults other than me and their dad. I worry about that.

Sorry, I don't have any advice for you. Just wanted to say that your words resonate with me and your feelings are totally valid. It's shitty behaviour.

Just coming back with another thought. I don’t even describe mine as fil and mil. They’ve done nothing to merit that title as they have zero interest of relationship with me. I refer to them as Nick’s (Dp name - not his real one obviously) parents. That has brought me much calm.

My parents are true pil to dp and actually have a relationship with him. My dbro has a great mil. Mine just aren’t my pil. Real pil wouldn’t behave like this.

Similarly my kids haven’t seen their gps for months and they never call either. Again I know it’s easy to say it’s their loss, you’re better off without them but it’s still hard to witness shitty behaviour!

Do you or your husband call them? You said earlier in the thread that unless you bump into them in Sainsbury’s there’s no contact, doesn’t your husband call his parents either? It sounds like neither side bother to keep in touch.

We have phased out the annual meeting. Covid will be a great excuse!!

@StopGo in all honestly it’s not the best relationship now due to lots of reasons that I’ll save for another day!

But that’s all recent. Going back to when they were all kids we got on well. I tried to treat them all equally, probably got it wrong sometimes but all in all we were pretty happy.

@Kolo I’m so sorry for your loss. The positive relationship my boys have with my dps is the only good thing about my situation and I’m so sorry you can’t have that.

Love to you

@Onceuponatimethen this suggestion is genius!!! From now on they are Boris’s parents and that’s it. Thank you

@MyPersona I used to text etc but that’s fizzled out. My dh is quite happy to ages without seeing his family whereas I contact mine regularly and try to see them weekly. We skyped every week during lockdown with my family, extended not just gps.

I’m absolutely not excusing their behaviour, but is there potentially more of a backstory to this? Just because you said they have other young grandchildren and it’s literally just your children who are excluded. Do they have a problem with you? Or your DH?

@Friendsoftheearth

What did you mean when you told op she's giving them a lot of power

Op I've been through slightly similar with my own gp, and then in laws.

My family is massive and all I remember of gp, was sitting bored on a sofa a few times a year whilst gp stared at me.

As friends said... It didn't affect me, make me sad... That's what it was.
Older siblings however where very affected by one gm clearly favouring the other siblings. Eg giving one £10, the other £5.

The left out sibling was very hurt.
Still carries the wound decades on.
Sadly my dc only have in laws and they do show interest. But I've been come to realise the very hard way, it's only an interest in themselves. It's their way or the high way.
Inspite of earlier on many visits, stays... Long days with them, they don't know them and dc reticent to visit alone without us.

In my case it wasn't so much wanting them to take an interest, but do it in a more normal, balanced, selfless loving way.

Eg my dm would make them a cake. If they didn't like it or weren't sufficiently grateful it would be water off a ducks back. Their happiness was all that mattered.
With Mil, it's all about her. The cake making is so she gets a time to shine, she must get praise for the cake. Fil makes sure there is praise for the cake. Then it's how its eaten... Crumbs... Etc.

Anyway... It broke my heart that, that's all my dc have. I've felt guilty over the years that dc don't see the more.
If we ask dc, would you like a baby sitter or go to gp, they want baby sitter!!

I agree with most of what friends has said.

I had to step back from how I felt and I felt things should be. That's not how they are.

My in laws can't conform to how I ideally want them to be. That also means dc don't want to go there.
I used to try and jolly them along to go but I don't now.

Friends I think is trying to say, how you feel, which is understandable, may not actually reflect at all how your dc feel. What's normal for them, is their normal.

As friends said... Don't make a big deal of it to them.

Be grateful, very grateful your own dp have stepped up to the plate. I wish my dc still had my dp

I wouldn't have cared a jot about in laws if mine were alive!

And... Once you do Accept they won't ever be what you want them to be, it is liberating!!

We too have now forgone the Xmas duty. Its wonderful.
We had one last Xmas a few years ago where 1 dd was left out and no one handled it well. It upset 5 year old.

Stopped Xmas visits! Marvellous!

@Monkeynuts18 honestly there isn’t! Never had a falling out or anything like that. It’s just as soon as our DS1 was born they made it clear they wouldn’t help with childcare for him (we never even asked) and then over the years the different treatment developed.

I think that’s part of why my DH doesn’t always get why I’m upset as nothing happened to cause it so he thinks I’m imagining things if that makes sense.

Similar situation here. In laws are very nice people but don’t bother with our two at all, other than to give them holiday money, birthday presents etc. They don’t call them, ask them over or know very much about them at all. For example they would not know what they were doing for GCSEs. Their other GC has a bedroom in their house, sleeps over regularly, is taken out for meals etc. It’s so strange and they are missing out on so much. I truly don’t understand it. We invite them for all events - Christmas, Mother’s Day etc, but it is not reciprocated. I have just let it go now and find it more sad than annoying. Such a shame for them because they are not unkind people - it’s very difficult to understand. DH has even spoken to them about it and they have acknowledged it but nothing changes. Very sad indeed. Mind you, have to say that the children themselves don’t really care and just accept it.