AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

My MIL couldn't give a shiny shit about our three, but she absolutely fawns over the two granddaughters who live nearer to her. Think all their photos up everywhere, etc. None of our kids at all. It's because we don't pander to her alcoholism and nasty poisonous behaviour though, so...

@Swelteringmeltering thank you for sharing your experiences. I really didn’t think this kind of thing was happening so much I thought we were freaks!

Your DM sounds like mine and I’m sorry she’s no longer with you.

Maybe they were doing what they thought was best for the existing children. It must have been very hard for them to lose their mum and then dad remarried and has more children. That’s a lot of changes for children to go through.

@OnlyToWin I could have written that! I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. I’m glad your kids are ok I hope mine stay that way too

@YouJustDoYou that’s a horrible situation I’m sorry. My mil also has the photo wall with noticeable differences in how many pics there are of each gc

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I totally agree my dss went through a lot but I’m not sure how that means my ds end up as second class citizens. It’s never made sense to me

[quote MrsOldma]@Kolo I’m so sorry for your loss. The positive relationship my boys have with my dps is the only good thing about my situation and I’m so sorry you can’t have that.

Love to you [/quote]
That's very sweet of you, thank you. It's been years since they died, my mum before I had children. So maybe my kids don't know anything different. For me it makes my PILs indifference so galling, because I think my parents would have been amazing GPs.

I definitely have a thing about it, and I indulge my children waaaaaay to much to make up for the absence of grandparents. You used the word jealous, and I can relate to that too. When I see other children going for sleepovers at their GPS, or being spoiled by them at Xmas, or just seeing them being picked up by GPS from school, I feel a real sense of loss for the relationship my kids don't have. I grew up very close to my GPs and in my world I had so many adults who loved me. I feel like it gives a sense of worth, security, confidence. Hard to make up for that alone, isn't it?

If your children are able to laugh about it now, then sounds like you handled it well.

@Kolo hard but not impossible! I’m sure your kids know they are loved. You’re so right though you grieve for what could have been

My in-laws have always given my Sil children weekly pocket money - only £1-2 per week. Has them over for sleep overs and takes day of work to help out during school holidays. SiL lives about 30-40 mins drive away.

We live 5 min drive / 10 min walk away. Last saw them a month ago for a couple of hours for dd birthday. No interest in them or making an effort even though we live so close . We have never argued or anything.

I used to remind DH to call his mum every week but thanks to Mumsnet stopped as it's up to him to maintain that relationship and also his mum could call us if she wanted.

I don't care about the lack of interest but kids speak regularly to their cousins on gaming consoles and often ask why their grandparents are over their cousins and don't come and see them which is a shame. As they grow they def notice but I'm grateful they have good relationships with my parents

Op I've just seen you said you have custody of all dc?

Does this mean your dc have been in the same house whilst the other dc go off to gp, or at bday, one lot get presents the others can clearly see they don't?

I'm confused I didn't realise they all lived with you?

Kolo. The adults take the lead on this.

Honestly, we adults know it's sad but so are so many things in life.
I feel pangs that my dc don't have any cousins! Not one.
Felt really sad they didn't have one at least truly doting wondeful grandmother...

Felt sad they don't have these amazing aunts and uncles who spoil them rotten.... And take them out...

But I'm great full for what we do have. So far, touch wood a stable family life. A decent enough home. A wonderful community around us of neighbours. Brilliant friends. Lovley friends parents.
Nice holidays. A garden!!

Loving, doting parents etc.. Many dc don't have any of that!

sweltering The power is their ability for it to still hurt/for them to still hurt us with their negligence even decades afterwards - if we can get to a place of acceptance and zero expectation then we protect ourselves, we protect the children from that pain.

Children will always take their emotional lead from us, if we are upset they will think it is something to be upset about and feel sad too. If we deal with it in a breezy way, and put it down to bonkers Granny and she is what she is, they will adopt the same view (mostly whilst young, and as young adults they will come to their conclusion) We set the tone.

So if we want the rejection and pain to continue, we nurse the grudges and resentments, the flashes of pain will make us angry and fume that this not acceptable, how dare they let my kids down. I have been there. Believe me.
In a situation with my own family that involved a cancer prognosis (mine) and they still failed me. Perhaps it is only then that you know where you are truly at with some people.

Sometimes we have to simply accept that some people are utterly shit, and there is nothing you can do to change it. Move on to something more rewarding and life giving.

I am not makes excuses for them, I am simply saying that the only person that will suffer is op, unless she lets go of the happy families dream and just looks at them in the cold light of day. Whatever she sees there is the truth, rubbish as it is.

The christmas meet up is usually the last thing to go, and as you say it is liberating to actually not care particularly either way.

In some ways op you have been spared the pain of your own parents being like this, it is easy to cut out the in laws because you are not tethered to them biologically or by blood. Your dh probably grew up knowing just what they are like, and he is far from surprised it turned out this way, but it must hurt on some level. I would do all you can to protect him from their failings, look after your dc, give them the best childhood you can and let the rest take care of itself.

Good post friends, I see what you mean and I agree.

@victoriasponge678 I honestly feel again I could have written that! So sorry that you’re dealing with this rubbish too

@Swelteringmeltering yup kids lived with us and gps would turn up on my dss birthdays in person with gifts etc and on my ds days it would be a card or gift left for them.

Ok op, in that case then I would have dealt with it sooner and stopped it.

It's one thing something going on without knowledge to the left out ones, quite another when it's literally rubbed in their faces!!

Your dh should have stopped it years ago and said... Being for all, or nothing at all.

You have a dh issue.

My dds have always been unfairly treated by an aunt, it happened very obviously at Xmas. Never again.

You and your dh need to be a united front on this and talk to them however if it doesn’t change then you need to stop contact with ALL the children , it’s horrible that your children are left out and you have to as a parent protect them from this x

@Fromthebirdsnest I totally agree but I feel like the ship has sailed now. They aren’t going to change, I’ve accepted that my kids don’t seem overly bothered. We’re down to bare minimum contact already

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Maybe they were doing what they thought was best for the existing children. It must have been very hard for them to lose their mum and then dad remarried and has more children. That’s a lot of changes for children to go through.

Yes I agree, it must have been hard for the children to lose their mother and I can understand the GP's wanting to show their own understanding and love to those children. But love isn't generally finite - at least in this case - is it? Why would they have no place in their hearts for their half-siblings/their son's other children? This is what's so sad. 🌹

You say its because their mother died I wonder if they are over compensating for the loss of their mother where as they know youre ds have you not right but could be there thinking behind it. How long before she passed did you join the family?

@Happynow001 nail on the head right there! That is why I find it so sad thank you for understanding

@AllsortsofAwkward five years. I wasn’t his first partner after previous partner died.

Have you or DH ever asked why they don't bother with your kids?

@Graciebobcat I haven’t. DH says he has years ago but nothing ever came of it nothing changed.

Very strange indeed maybe they didn't expect their ds to have more dc how did the stepchildren handle having new siblings. Just wondering why they would behave the way they are.