AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

but putting your energy into relationships that matter to both parties is surely better for everyone right?
Oh absolutely, and strangely it also makes our relationship better. I have no preconceived ideas about what it should be like anymore. I just enjoy it for what it is. (Pretty boring, but as good as she can give 😂 - she would hate I said that, and that feels pretty good. 😂)

I am in the same position (luckily for me my dp are not interested in anyone's children very much, so it isn't just mine)

Your children can not miss what they have never had, and the relationship more often that not is always very secondary to the one with parents and siblings.
It is not an essential part of their lives at all, if they have a strong bond with gps then it is bonus perhaps, but not an absolute necessity. So seeing it from their point of view it is a non issue - so don't make it into one. Protect them from the truth by not speaking about it at all. Especially as they get older, they really won't care trust me.

From your point of view of course it hurts, but there is a silver lining. If they offer no effort, time or love then it is fair game for you to do the same. Check out yourself. No need for duty, visits or interest in them. Go low contact and save your energy for people that care about you. Keep things polite and civilised and leave it at that. If you see them in Sainsburys greet them in the same way you would a friend and move on.

They set the tone for this 'relationship' a long time ago, you don't need them for anything now anyway, so let it go. It is their loss, not yours.

@Shesapunkpunk

but putting your energy into relationships that matter to both parties is surely better for everyone right? Oh absolutely, and strangely it also makes our relationship better. I have no preconceived ideas about what it should be like anymore. I just enjoy it for what it is. (Pretty boring, but as good as she can give 😂 - she would hate I said that, and that feels pretty good. 😂)

The preconceived ideas point is so so valid!!! For years I thought the relationship between a mil/fil and dil should be a certain way and was angry and sad that ours was so crap!

I’ve accepted we are not close, we are not friends we are just civil but it’s harder to accept a crappy grandparent grandchild relationship.

Friendsoftheearth I get what you’re saying but I think part of the issue is their relationship with the other set of gps is so strong and positive that it really shows the difference.

We’d quite happily smile and say hello to them in a supermarket but if it was my parents we’d be there for ages catching up etc.

I just hope when my boys look back on all this they don’t feel bad

My in laws favoured my bil over DH very obviously. They same treatment was then dished out to the children.
They just weren't interested at all.
I thought for a long time that it was me they didn't like and stopped visiting. Then the children stopped wanting to go without me. The whole relationship with them fell apart after that, which was very freeing.
The now adult children (and their cousins) haven't seen their grandparents in years. FIL is no longer with us and DH makes the odd duty call to his mother, and that's it.
It's sad but eventually you get tired of making the effort.

@Mediaevalmiss

My in laws favoured my bil over DH very obviously. They same treatment was then dished out to the children. They just weren't interested at all. I thought for a long time that it was me they didn't like and stopped visiting. Then the children stopped wanting to go without me. The whole relationship with them fell apart after that, which was very freeing. The now adult children (and their cousins) haven't seen their grandparents in years. FIL is no longer with us and DH makes the odd duty call to his mother, and that's it. It's sad but eventually you get tired of making the effort.

That’s really sad. I wonder what makes people act like that? And if they really think it’s ok to act like that?

OP, your dc will be fine, if you let them know it's the grandparents who are behaving badly, not them. I sometimes think we try too hard not to be unkind about these people, but kids can handle the truth. They need to know they are wonderful as they are and grandparents are idiots for not seeing it.

Cross posted with latest post @MrsOldma, but in this case we were dealing with a very dysfunctional family, although I didn't know it at the time.
Fortunately DH has come out almost unscathed, and had psychotherapy to deal with some of it x

the issue is their relationship with the other set of gps is so strong and positive that it really shows the difference

Be very glad your children have at least one very strong grandparental bond (my ILs are both dead, so no chance of that for us) be pleased for them, and nurture that relationship. They are very lucky to have it.

Your children are not comparing because they accepted something that you have not, everyone is different. All grandparents and relatives are different and unique to themselves, therefore a comparison is impossible.

This is about your expectations not theirs.

Big difference.

Mediaevalmiss The kids are teens now so they can see for themselves what’s going on (I think). I’ve always tried to not slate my in-laws in front of the kids and be polite. I think the difference in how they’re treated by my DPs says it all for me

@PawPatrolMakesMeDrink you sound like a really lovely step mum! So refreshing to hear someone talk about SD like that!

@Friendsoftheearth

the issue is their relationship with the other set of gps is so strong and positive that it really shows the difference

Be very glad your children have at least one very strong grandparental bond (my ILs are both dead, so no chance of that for us) be pleased for them, and nurture that relationship. They are very lucky to have it.

Your children are not comparing because they accepted something that you have not, everyone is different. All grandparents and relatives are different and unique to themselves, therefore a comparison is impossible.

This is about your expectations not theirs.

Big difference.

I just realised that all my gps were dead by the time I was 19 so maybe I do want more for my children. I was and still am jealous of people who had gps around.

Maybe it is about my expectations but surely that doesn’t excuse all of it?

So teen boys I am sure pretty much do not care one way or another. If they can see a lack of interest then they can choose not to see them now. They are not nursing hurt or pain regarding this issue op. My teens never want to see any family - always want to hang out with friends etc. That is normal.

I think you need to ask yourself, at this stage, so many years late why you are still worried/thinking about this?

Dc are almost adults, the moment has truly been and gone. Nursing a grudge will just damage you and no one else.

Why did you need your gps op at 19? Were you not off out enjoying your life. Why jealous?

This is your issue with your past, nothing to do your teen boys and current gps now, who all seem gloriously indifferent to any of it. This is you op. Sorry.

My MIL is like this...unless it’s to her friends who are all at that competitive grandchild collecting stage and then she claims to be massively hands on, always helping us out and an active participant in their lives. It really pisses me off, my kids are not her fashion accessory! She basks in their achievements but has nothing to do with them. I hope I am a better grandparent!

Friendsoftheearth my boys actually love going to visit family, gps and extended family (all on my side though) so that’s why I still worry about it.

I don’t think it’s a grudge I have, I just don’t understand how gps can be so disinterested in some gc but not others.

I was always astonished that my husband’s grandmother had so many grandchildren, great grand children and great great grandchildren, yet was interested and loving to them all. (What a bloody lovely woman she was, I miss her every day) my own mum has two kids and 3 grandkids (2 of which are mine) and she can only be bothered with one! It is weird, I don’t get it.

SandysMam ugh gloating grans are the worst!!! My mil doesn’t even bother to do that! Well she wouldn’t know what their achievements are anyway

friendsoftheearth true at 19 you maybe don’t need your gps but it would have been nice if they’d been around a bit longer! Surely having people in your life who genuinely love you and care about you for as long as possible is only a positive thing

If your teens wanted a relationship with the other gps then they would cultivate one themselves.

If your gps wanted a relationship with their gc then they would cultivate one themselves.

Given they are teenagers no one is relying on you anymore to arrange it, it could easily happen if anyone wanted it to. The point is neither the teens nor the gp are bothered, your teens are probably getting everything they need from your parents. They don't need or want anything else, if they did they would talk to you about it and request to see the others gps etc but they haven't. So why force it?

Shesapunkpunk you could be writing about my dh! His gran doted on everyone but her daughter is definitely missing that gene or not cut from the same cloth or whatever

My pil are the same, we're also very low contact. I can only echo the advice you've already had. I feel happier since we've just accepted how they are and allowed ourselves to treat them as they treat us. Our dc are also teenagers and very reluctant to visit so we don't push it. I've also opted out of the Xmas arrangements with them which has been incredibly liberating.

my boys actually love going to visit family, gps and extended family (all on my side though) so that’s why I still worry about it

Yes they enjoy it because your parents are interested in them, who wants to go to a place where there is indifference at best? Your teens are better off without that kind of relationship to be honest. It is endurance not a pleasure.

Surely having people in your life who genuinely love you and care about you for as long as possible is only a positive thing

You have said it yourself, but they don't really care do they, you have said, so they bring nothing positive to the lives of your children. So whether they are around or not matters far less (or not at all)

Your children do not have to have a fantastic relationship with every single person around them to be happy.

friendsoftheearth I’m not trying to force anything. I’ve long given up on there being any meaningful relationship between them.

I just wondered how others in a similar situation manage to limit damage. And to see if anyone knows why people act this way

I just wondered how others in a similar situation manage to limit damage

What damage?