AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

I can totally envision my kids having nothing to do with them when they’re older but I still feel sad about it. I will let them make the choice and respect it but I think it will be hard

Why is it hard to respect their choice?

My in laws have minimal interest in their grandkids. They are lovely to them when we visit, but never initiate and the idea of a sleepover is laughable.
However, my husband's first wife was disliked by my mother in law so his first kids (her first grandchildren) hardly saw them. He always felt guilty he didn't push it more. I am liked and I make an effort to go see them (my husband is dead), but still.
You can't change things - your kids wont be scarred but may not have much time for their grandparents later on. One of my stepsons didn't even invite his to his own wedding.

I think part of me understands that my dh shouldn't have to tell his parents to be involved or to care. Still stings though
But this part is about the dh relationship with his children not the grandparents. Maybe dh can’t change that but he could have been a different father who tried. Your dc will recognise this.

Pipandmum I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m so glad you’ve been able to maintain contact with his side of the family. I don’t think I’d be able to do that.

Good for your stepson! I imagine if anything like that happened my in laws would act all offended even though it’s their fault.

Dear @MrsOldma

My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.
I know other people have said this, but it really IS your In-Laws' loss. This is sad but because of their own inaction and not yours.

My dh said not long ago you don’t care about my parents do you and I was able to say actually I care as much as they do!
How and why did your husband say this? Was it just an observation? Your response was the right one anyway, I think.

Maybe it is about my expectations but surely that doesn’t excuse all of it?

Please try and let it go, OP. It is what it is and you cannot change it. You are only beating yourself up with a rod for your own back, sadly.

One day they may, finally, wake up to the fact they've missed out on your own children and it will be far too late. It sounds, quite rightly, that they do not feature high in your children's thoughts and emotions because your husband's parents are such a small gesture in their lives. 🌹

timeisnotaline my DH did try to maintain a relationship, he’d take the kids to visit quite regularly when they were little but it’s fizzled out over the years. And it’s always been us who’ve visited or instigated contact.

Maybe he sees how good the relationship is with the other gps and is happy with that. My dps see him much more than his do and I sometimes think he feels more part of my family than his. My parents will call or text him, he’ll visit without me if I’m working etc. I’ve never asked him - I feel it would touch a nerve but I’m glad he is so accepted by my family even if it’s not reciprocated

Happynow001 my dh said I’m going to see my mum, you coming? And without thinking I said uh why? Because we don’t do “for the sake of it” visits there is always a reason and I wanted to know why. That’s when he said I don’t care.

And maybe I don’t make an effort, any more. For years I would sit on the sidelines at visits, trying to get involved but being mostly ignored. So I don’t put myself there anymore unless I have to i.e Xmas

Is this arranged via the mum? Do you ask for them to have them? My mil is similar bothers with sils dc and doesnt really bother with ours unless we ask her.

AllsortsofAwkward I’m sorry your mil is tricky too. We have literally never in 17 years asked them to have the boys overnight or anytime really. They used to help us with the school run but only when other gc were involved.

It was made very clear when my DS1was born that we weren’t to look to them for childcare. So I’ve never ever asked, wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of saying no! Plus my parents literally adore having them

@Friendsoftheearth

Jesus Christ, 'why would someone need their gp's at 19' Maybe, just maybe not everyone is ok with their grand parents passing away when they are young. It's not a case of needing them.

Your comments on this are really odd, of course it will damage the children to some extent, other posters who were the OPs children in this situation have said how such a situation has effected him, DH was the same growing up and it's caused a lot of hurt not being 'wanted' by his grand parents

dwiz8 thank you! I thought it was just me that found the comments weird.

I’m sorry your husband has been on the receiving end of this, I’m so worried that although my boys seem ok now that it will come to a head later.

My children were my pils only grandchildren, but they still managed to make out someone elses kids were better. Every time we went there all we heard about was how marvellous the kid was next door. When they moved I was so pleased as we didnt have to hear about her anymore. I dont even know if they realised they were doing it. I think some people are just crap grandparents. They cant help it.

Orchidsindoors yeah maybe not everyone has it in them. With my pils they are decent enough gps just not to all of their gc.

Such a shame for your dc though

Both sets of my gps were dead by the time I was 19 dwiz and I was very sad, but I was not jealous of other peoples family, I find that very weird! Losing your parents would be massive, and can cause emotional damage, but losing gps is natural and normal and happens all of the time to everyone.

I see that op is passing some of her own baggage to her kids, she needs to think that, because he own children have shown no 'damage' or hurt feelings so far and are now teenagers, almost adults.

Perhaps op would benefit from some counselling to talk about her feelings at length. We can't have what we want sometimes. I might wish my mother was more engaged with my child, and I might feel hurt that she isn't but it is her choice, not mine. It is about acceptance.

Maybe jealous was the wrong word. Just a pang of sadness that my gps didn’t meet my dc, attend my wedding etc

I’m happy that other people have their gps I just wish I’d had mine longer. I don’t think that’s weird.

I accept my family situation but I can still feel sad about it and annoyed at times. And I can still worry that while my boys appear not to be affected by this that they might be or realise they have been later.

Yup, although when my son was first born they were all over him, to the point they suggested that he live with them to save on childminder fees.

However, they quickly decided that he was too much like hard work. He's been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD and they apparently don't believe in those things and think he's just naughty.

My DD is NT and they are slightly more interested in her, but only slightly.

They haven't called, messaged or enquires after their GC once since February.

They don't even buy my DC Christmas or birthday presents as apparently my family spoil them too much.

I bet when (if) SIL has kids they will be the golden grandchildren. No expense spared.

I used to care but dont anymore. For us the blatant favouritism (same aged cousin who gets to stay in nans house, invited for casual lunches, babysat for date nights etc) is so hurtful. Luckily DH has another brother with 2 kids who dont see pils much too (but he lives further out). So our kids socialise and stay over but we only see the 'legitimate' cousin and grandparents once a year at most. Not sure what we did to offend them. My hypothesis is they doesnt like both dils, and her crazy daughter probably has a hand in it too as it wasnt always like that... I could never do that to my son and grandchildren!!! DH recognises but cant do anything. He cant force his parents to care. They do however send the grandchildren flagrant expensive gifts and birthday cheques to compensate (which we care not for but I suspect irks sil!!).

Your two will not be scarred. They wont grow up with grandparents but will have the love and attention of you and other friends/family.

@LadyFlumpalot that’s horrible! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. I just don’t get it at all.

Similarly my kids haven’t seen their gps for months and they never call either. Again I know it’s easy to say it’s their loss, you’re better off without them but it’s still hard to witness shitty behaviour!

Love to you

@Hutella ooh this sounds just like mine! I never thought of it as favouritism but I guess that’s what it is!

Usually I’m at peace with it but every now and then something will happen and I just feel so angry at them! It’s getting longer and longer between flares so hopefully it eventually stops provoking a reaction and I can just feel sorry for them and what they’ve missed out on.

I accept my family situation but I can still feel sad about it and annoyed at times

Of course, it is natural to feel that way - it is completely shit of them and disappointing. Your sons deserved more, of course they did. I have wrestled with this myself over the decades, and concluded in the end that the only person who suffers when I dwell on the fact they are rubbish, is me! They don't care, they are happy enough. Why should I carry the pain around when no one else is?? Why should you?

I can only say I found it extremely liberating deciding this was not my baggage or problem to carry and focused instead on the people that are really there for me.

@MrsOldma - thank you.

I think it's supposed to be a punishment in my case. My in-laws are very insular, they are in each other's pockets, they all live in the same postcode and group of roads. They are in and out of each other's houses all day long and always tell each other everything. If aunt-in-law gets her hair done it is debated long and hard over mugs of tea and if SIL sneezes then grandma-in-law texts to ask if she has a cold.

I appeared on the scene and DH moved 60 miles away. They have told me before what a shame it is that we did not move back to their area when I was pregnant as they would miss out on being able to look after their grandchildren.

YABU to be so invested.

Your in-laws aren’t interested in you and your children. That’s a shame, but it’s not a catastrophe. Let it go, focus on the relationships that matter. Why give them so much power over your emotions?

(Has anyone noticed how often it’s second families who experience this? Like the in-laws only had interest the first time around and CBA subsequently? There see to have been a few of these lately)

"08:59MrsOldma

Orchidsindoorsyeah maybe not everyone has it in them. With my pils they are decent enough gps just not to all of their gc.

Such a shame for your dc though"

Yes, it was a shame but over the years I just distanced us from it. At one point I wasnt sure who was ignoring who. Then years later, strangely enough, a new sil came on the scene who turned out to be their "fabourite dil", and she started to show them pics I had put up on fb of my kids with my parents when they were little, on days out etc. Days out they'd never had with them, and they were so jealous it wasnt true. So I had the last laugh really.

@LadyFlumpalot wow they sound very close! I’m not sure I’d cope well in a family with that culture.

Such a shame you feel like the cliche dil stealing away a precious son from his mummy.