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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

243 replies

MrsOldma · 17/08/2020 22:16

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

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Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:03

ProfYaffle sorry to hear you’ve been through the same. How you’ve worded that totally resonates with me - allowing yourself to treat them as they treat you. Because it’s not “normal” or not to me anyway to treat family like that

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Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:06

This is about you, you felt you missed out on having gps when you were a young adult, you actively describe feeling jealous of others. It was loss you felt keenly because you were very close to them.
But your teens are not close to their other gps so they are very unlikely to feel this.

Many people do not care about this relationship very much, if it is not meaningful it is not meaningful. They aren't going to lose sleep over it.

Maybe look at the reasons for your dependency as a young adult on extended family members op.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:06

friendsoftheearth damage to yourself, your relationship with partner, children’s self esteem etc

It’s upsetting to be treated like this and to see your babies treated like this. Going LC was the only way I could think to limit the effects but maybe there are other options

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ProfYaffle · 18/08/2020 07:07

Me too MrsOldMa, not how I was brought up at all. I can't fathom how anyone can behave like that.

Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:07

On what way do you feel your children have been damaged?

Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:08

Most children do not miss what they have never had, so unlikely to damage their self esteem etc

Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:10

I am not saying for one minute that you have no reason to feel hurt, anyone would feel hurt and disappointed, but I am wondering whether your children are affected as much as you fear?

Has it damaged your marriage?

You are giving people a lot of power op.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:11

I worry that they will come to realise how badly they were treated and be angry at me or dh. I worry that when they do lose their gps they’ll regret not being closer even though it wasn’t their doing.

I’ve no personal experience of being treated like this so I don’t know how it feels

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menofharlech · 18/08/2020 07:11

My pil show benign indifference. They live 4-5 hours from us, dd gets awfully awfully travel sick and fil has a number of health issues so the practicalities are tough.

But it's very much a case of out of sight out of mind. They have other grandkids who are closer who they see and have to stay a lot. They will send ours presents and mil will talk to them on the phone about once every 3/4 months but that's it.

We saw them last year for a day and mil tried her best (fil gave them a cuddle but didn't engage - that's typical of him with all the kids though) but dds just don't know them and were really shy.

My own mum (and dad before he passed away) are super close to dds so we just focus on that.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:14

friendsoftheearth I wouldn’t say it’s damaged our marriage but we’ve had arguments over the years about it. His idea of family and mine are different so we’ve had to make our own way through to come up with values we can both share for our children

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BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/08/2020 07:16

I have been NC with my dad for 16 years. Since then I have had 3 sons, 11/8/4 in age. The eldest two have at times asked about him as they are curious. They accepted my explanation that I didn’t think he was a very nice man and that’s that. If they chose when older to seek him out and make contact, then that’s their choice. I won’t be encouraging a relationship with him. I see this as the same with your MIL, why even bother at all when she quite clearly couldn’t care less? Why do we feel rude to cut ties with people that don’t think of us one iota from day to day? I wouldn’t be spending any part of my precious family time with a family member that doesn’t care about me or my children, to be honest.

I’ve learnt a long time ago that relationships have to be nurtured and worked at, they don’t just happen. Only give to these relationships what you are happy to, not what you feel is expected of you. It’s quite liberating to realise, in all honesty!

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:17

menofharlech yeah my kids don’t really know them either it’s not a comfortable, easy relationship.

I’m sorry your dads passed but I’m glad he had a good relationship with his gc.

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Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:19

they will come to realise how badly they were treated and be angry at me or dh

If it happens, and it sounds very unlikely, but if they are angry in the future you can your sons very gently that you did everything you could to make it the best relationship it could be. That they were blessed with their other gps being so caring and loving, and that it balances out in the end.
In reality you might be surprised how little they care op.

we’ve had arguments over the years about it

Your dh can't change his parents or the way they feel or don't feel. He can only do his best for his family.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:20

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward in fairness fil is just as bad. I wish I knew why I feel like the guilty party for not wanting anything to do with them! Maybe like a previous poster said it’s because I wasn’t brought up like that.

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much but I’m glad you feel liberated now. I have good days and bad days, today was obviously a bad one!

Love your name btw x

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Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:28

We insulate our dc from emotional pain by raising them to accept people and situations are they are. We don't take it personally or to heart, there might be some very good reasons why people are the way they are. We teach our kids to invest in people that give love and energy back to us, so we don't model negative duty visits or get angry and upset. We accept everyone is doing their best in life, it might not always meet our expectations or hopes, but it is far better for our mental health if we don't set high/any expectations - because they often bring disappointment.

Allow relationships to grow organically (or not) and be happy with the ones that blossom, focus on that. Not everyone will love and like us, and that is okay.

Count the blessing of life, be grateful, that is the way you stop emotional damage - you teach resilience and boundaries.

Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 07:30

**Are the way they are.

Easylikesunday · 18/08/2020 07:35

My SIL is exactly the same. Her daughter's haven't even met out son (their cousin). Their loss.

timeisnotaline · 18/08/2020 07:35

I think it would be perfectly understandable if your dc decide to be mad at your dh. He has 5 children and has as good as said to his parents by his actions: mum, dad You know these later 2 children of mine? Totally ok to treat them like shit, you only have to care about my older dc, these two can go jump. And I couldn’t forgive my husband and my children’s father for that tbh, it’s just desserts if the children think he failed them, as it’s true.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:38

Easylikesunday that’s so sad! My sil and bil are the same as their parents, totally not interested and make no effort to be involved. Family’s are bonkers

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Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:41

timeisnotaline have you been reading my diary??? Seriously though this was me 17 years ago, I’m down to a low simmer of rage that boils over now and again.

I think part of me understands that my dh shouldn't have to tell his parents to be involved or to care. Still stings though

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Easylikesunday · 18/08/2020 07:42

What more or less breaks my heart is that all of the family lives 8+ hrs away and they're our only local "family". Even my MIL has got involved as she's just as heartbroken as I am.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:45

Easylikesunday ugh that’s shitty! I totally understand why people say it’s their loss etc but we’re the ones who feel left out and isolated.

Big love to you Flowers

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minnieok · 18/08/2020 07:54

Mine never got a second thought from either paternal grandparent. Both were pleasant if we visited but we had to drive there, never invited to stay over presents were cheap poundshop tat (but lots, ended up in bin) when young and a voucher from age 8 ish for £10. Meanwhile the younger grandkids born since (10 year age gap) have sleepovers, day trips, lavish gifts and talked about constantly. Luckily they are the only grandkids on maternal side and it couldn't be more different

minnieok · 18/08/2020 07:56

Now I'm divorced, my kids have chosen to have nc with their fathers family, they are adults, their choice.

Original poster
MrsOldma · 18/08/2020 07:58

minnieok So strange isn’t it? The gift thing used to really wind me up because mine would get a random gift because gps genuinely wouldn’t know what to buy. Others would get a thoughtful present.

Same for me actually I always end up with stupid impersonal gifts from them even though I keep saying not to bother. Then I feel ungrateful

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