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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I expecting too much of DH?

494 replies

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:00

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

OP posts:

OrangeSlices998 · 17/08/2020 17:08

Why can he put washing on/dust/sort the dishwasher in the evenings, if you’re up with the baby?

YANBU. He’s your PARTNER, he sounds like he does sweet fuck all to help you.

geekone · 17/08/2020 17:09

No voting but yes YABU sorry. The only thing I can think of is you express for a week or 2 get a stock up and then go out for the afternoon either alone or with friends. That will give you a rest.

tobedtoMNandfart · 17/08/2020 17:11

You're not expecting enough of him.

The early years don't last forever but whilst they do you are working much harder than he is.

He needs to do bath & bedtime at the very least.

How about doing a coloured in calendar of his and hers 'work hours'? That might bring it home to him.

Trisolaris · 17/08/2020 17:11

What is he doing for the rest of the weekend? Surely if you go out for a family day out at the weekend you should split the chores that didn’t get done when you get back not leave them for you to do during the week.

UnfinishedSymphon · 17/08/2020 17:11

Well he does a LOT more than some useless partners on here but yes, he needs to help out with the housework on a weekend, maybe cook once or twice a week

RandomMess · 17/08/2020 17:16

Why isn't he doing DDs bath? Why can't he put a load of waking on and sort laundry in the evenings after you've gone to bed?

Personally I wouldn't be letting DC feed to sleep hourly throughout the night. I would be asking DH to do alternate wakings and stop feeding to sleep (if that is what is happening).

You must be on your knees!!!

user14562156358 · 17/08/2020 17:20

So he just does the fun stuff?

WB205020 · 17/08/2020 17:26

My suggestion would be he does more round the house at the weekend, if he doesn't already. What time does he get up in the week, what time do you and your DD get up and could he do anything before leaving for work? Hovering, Putting the washing on.....that sort of thing.

It does sound like he is 'pulling his weight' to some extent but i suppose everyone can always do more and the early days always seem far more tiring when you are going through them. Perhaps he could so some bits in the evening after dinner a couple of nights a week. Cleaning etc. before having a couple of hours on the sofa after you are in bed.

The organised mum method might help allocate some jobs for him to do in the evening downstairs whilst you sleep (assuming you have a house) Cleaning the kitchen etc.

Original poster

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:33

@geekone

No voting but yes YABU sorry. The only thing I can think of is you express for a week or 2 get a stock up and then go out for the afternoon either alone or with friends. That will give you a rest.

@geekone

I literally cannot express. I've got two pumps, tried both, I get a few drops I'm in lucky.

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 17/08/2020 17:33

Sounds like you need to sort out DDs sleeping, 6 months old is big enough to not need feeding every hour through the night, she is treating you like a human dummy. I'm sure you feel terrible with such little sleep and it also sounds like you dont get to spend much time with DH or even on your own. It is a vital skill for babies to learn to settle/sooth themselves and it doesnt need to involve lots of crying.

Original poster

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:34

@Trisolaris

@Trisolaris he says if I want to have days out I need to not expect him to do work around the house on a weekend as there aren't enough hours in the day.

This makes me feel like I have to pick between going out or staying in and tidying.

OP posts:

Original poster

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:35

@RandomMess

Why isn't he doing DDs bath? Why can't he put a load of waking on and sort laundry in the evenings after you've gone to bed?

Personally I wouldn't be letting DC feed to sleep hourly throughout the night. I would be asking DH to do alternate wakings and stop feeding to sleep (if that is what is happening).

You must be on your knees!!!

@RandomMess

Boob is the only thing that settles her.
I've tried patting, sushing, rocking.
She also will not settle with DH. We've tried and tried but when she's tired she just wants me.

OP posts:

Original poster

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:36

@WB205020

The organised mum method might help allocate some jobs for him to do in the evening downstairs whilst you sleep (assuming you have a house) Cleaning the kitchen etc.

@WB205020 DH is up at 6.30 and leaves for work at 7.15.

Me and DD are up at 7.30.

OP posts:

Original poster

dorysealover · 17/08/2020 17:37

@SeaToSki

She doesn't feed every hour, she comfort sucks. I've tried a dummy but she won't take one at all. I don't get any time to myself or with DH.

I don't feel comfortable putting her to bed without me yet either. 😕

OP posts:

fruitpastille · 17/08/2020 17:40

Can you leave her in the moses basket downstairs with dh in the evening while you get an early night? Then he brings her up when he goes to bed. Feed her as much as you can first.

ivfdreaming · 17/08/2020 17:41

YABU

He's at work all day and then spends an hour with DD before you both go to bed at 8 and then you have a lie in a weekends.....You are home all day. Loading the washing and hanging it out takes 10 minutes. A room per day flicking the duster and hoover over 30 mins or so.

Don't let the usual MN Harpees on here get in your head that's he's a lazy useless sod. Because from what you've said in your post he isn't

BluePaintSample · 17/08/2020 17:44

He needs to do stuff in the evening. He has hours and hours every night, he should be doing more housework. It doesn't take 2 minutes to put a load of washing in the machine.

If he was a single parent, he would be collecting his 6 month old from childcare and doing everything food, house, shopping related. Hardly a lot to ask of him to do some housework, especially because you are in bed at 8pm.

Merryoldgoat · 17/08/2020 17:46

So, if you look at your job as looking after the baby, and your husband’s whatever it is, then everything else needs to be split:

Cooking, housework, shopping, bathing, childcare when he’s home etc.

Why isn’t he ‘Catching up in housework’?

What I would say is that when breastfeeding you have to accept there’s not much you can do about the wakings or sharing them. It’s shit but it’s just what it is.

Why are you going to bed trying to settle baby at 8? Much better to go a bit later and for them to settle well. My younger DS just doesn’t need as much sleep as others - 10pm - 7.30am is perfect for him.

MsEllany · 17/08/2020 17:47

So between 8-11 when you’re in bed with the baby he’s completely pleasing himself, watching tv or playing xbox?

Nah. He needs to put a wash on, do the dishes, tidy up. There shouldn’t be so much at the weekend that you can’t do anything else at all - especially if he’s helping you in the week.

I think you need to a) lower your standards for house cleaning; b) tell him he needs to do something in what is currently completely leisure time for him.

Also - when mine were that age we went to bed around 9. We didn’t have to be up for anything so why not? Meant I could stay up and actually have an adult conversation with husband and then we went to bed together, or sometimes earlier for me. We also formula fed in the night after 4 months.

treeeeemendous · 17/08/2020 17:47

Why are you going to bed at 8pm? You are having no evening? Maybe start feeding dd then letting him out her to bed. It will be hard at first but get easier. Maybe go for a walk round the block whilst he does it.

PickAChew · 17/08/2020 17:48

Assuming you both sleep 8 hours (I know) if you go out together for 5 hours on a Saturday (or Sunday) that still leaves 9 possible hours that day for him to do some work around the house. Just one of those hours spent by him cleaning bedrooms or bathrooms, hoovering or whatever would make a significant dent in what needs doing. He's making excuses.

AhNowTed · 17/08/2020 17:48

At 6 Months your baby can go on a play mat or in a bouncer, allowing you to tidy and put a wash on. She doesn't need your undivided attention her every waking minute.

PickAChew · 17/08/2020 17:48

Maths fail - 11 possible hours. He has even less excuse!

WombatStewForTea · 17/08/2020 17:49

It's hard. My DD is a similar age to yours but is thankfully sleeping much better again but I know the feeling. She also won't take a bottle or dummy and only goes to sleep being fed (but for the first time last night let me cuddle her to sleep). Do you bedshare? Done safely it's a life saver got getting more sleep. It's the only thing I could do to get through the 4 month sleep regression.

Despite what many will tell you it is ok to feed her to sleep and for her to need you in the night. Try joining the 'beyond sleep training' Facebook group.

As for the DH issue mine was the same in that he did some bits but it felt like he still had so much time to himself and I was constantly doing stuff. You need to have a heart to heart with him

GoldenOmber · 17/08/2020 17:50

The way we organised it when I was on mat leave is that during weekdays, I looked after the baby(/children) and did whatever housework I could reasonably fit in while DH was at work. Then when DH was home, we split caring for the children and doing remaining housework and cooking and so on 50/50 between us.

It sounds like the way you're dividing it, you do all the childcare and all the housework and the cooking, whether DH is there or not? So he works 9am-5pm and gets a full night's sleep, you work 7am-8pm and then get broken sleep because of the baby?

If that's the setup then no, it isn't fair. It means he gets far more sleep, more downtime, more 'time off' than you do.

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