Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth somebody is great for explaining to you the way you have committed your first major parenting fuck up that you then have to unwind.

I can also recommend avoiding sugar and laughing too much at farts school of mummy fail hard knocks

YANBU!!!!!!!

I wish I could have an advice. It was the same for me circa 8 years ago when our eldest was 6 months. my husband is the same type of man. He helps when asked to do a specific task like: unload dishwasher, but he can’t just be told “unloading dishwasher in the evening is your job”, 2 night down the line I would find an unloaded dishwasher before going to bed. Now 8 years later we have 2 primary school aged kids and a 4 months old baby and I tried all the techniques: arguing, persuading, ultimatums, writing task lists for him for each day of the week, etc. Nothing works. It was especially tough during lockdown. I just turned into an always annoyed nagging wife which is awful. For myself I just decided he is mentally incapable of seeing things that need to be done or forcing himself to do all those things that are not much fun, you don’t get a reward for doing them, just have to do. And I just try to be patient and specific, telling him step by step what help I need (it’s annoying as he would do a third right, a third wrong, a third got forgotten regardless of specific written instructions that I spent a lot of effort putting together).

I work full time when not on mat leave and it’s so much easier being in the office then at home. Every mat leave was tough and i think if you do your best for your baby not just sit her in front of a telly while having a cup of tea the whole day, then it’s tough.

And you do need days out for your mental health. And your husband should do house cleaning at weekends while you feed the baby, baby sleeps on you, etc. And then you need ‘me time’ when baby is awake at weekends. But not sure how to persuade your husband to do that in a nice way.

When I return to work after mat leaves I again don’t rely on my husband for housework but either do things myself or hire external help. It’s costly but thinking long term peace and love are more important.

I try to be patient and just not think about how unfair it is that I have to do it all, try to distract myself when these thoughts come (they come when I’m exhausted and try to get help from DH but he messes things up, as per the above third/third/third). That’s the only solution I found, trying to change my husband failed so I just try to change my attitude to it.

So it’s me speaking from the future.

However on another note to all those saying sleep train. My daughter is 19 months old, and still falls asleep on either myself or my dh for night. And either myself or pram during the day. I'm not worried about that, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty for her needing you to fall asleep. They will grow out of that eventually, and I'm not in a rush to get past that stage as it's my favourite time of day as I don't get a look in for snuggles during the day anymore as she's far too busy.

My heart goes out to you. DD was like this. She would not nap in her cot at all. I would go for long walks or drives twice a day to get her to sleep. Or she slept on me. I would have to settle her at night, and if she woke up I'd have to get up. I was so tired. I felt it was unsafe for me to drive and I was miserable. I actually pounded my head on the wall one night. Bruised my whole forehead. Totally lost it.

We did cry it out (incrementally) in total desperation at about eight months. DH did it. It took three nights and on the fourth night we walked out the room while she was awake and she went to sleep and slept through, and has done ever since.

Then .... along came DS.

He was worse than DD. Except this time, I didn't have the luxury of him sleeping on me for a couple of hours because I had a toddler. Nor could I do long walks. And DD had zero tolerance for drives. She was miserable whenever it was his nap time. There was no option except for him to sleep in his cot. So we tried and tried and tried - just as we did for DD.

But because there was no alternative we kept trying and trying and trying for ages. Much longer than we ever did for DD, and eventually he slept in his cot. And we then had to do the same incremental cry it out thing for him at night too, because he literally woke every hour on the hour through the night.

I know how much you are suffering, but I also know from my experience that you can do this. I would never have believed it possible.

However if you WANT to hold your baby, that's fine too. Treasure that, but you will be exhausted.

OP

Some people won't get it, most people had babies who didn't need to be held all day and slept a decent amount.

I had a baby like yours and it was so so hard. DH did most of everything tbh as I was trapped under baby at certain times for weeks on end.

I would look at how much leisure time you have, and how much he has, and try to make them equal. Also massively lower your standards.

Surprised by all the advice on here that suggest you make even more effort and get yourself into more work by trying by trying to make your baby easier to handle rather than responding to her needs. If she sleeps only on you than she obviously needs it and it will pass, your husband just needs to help you making it work so that you can focus on the baby. But it’s an unpopular attitude on MN

It is completely normal to make a rod for your own back with your children. The bugger of it is that you then have to go through the pain of retraining them, which isn't nice for either of you but is 100% normal in being a parent and in being a child.

I am sure we all remember times our parents had a crack down on behaviours they taught us like the messy parent deciding it is now massively important that we all start putting things away immediately when we never did before.

This is normal and healthy. You will not fuck up your relationship with your child by having to be the bad guy. Honestly, it will be fine.

Oh FGS, this baby is six months old!

You CANNOT predict the sleep habits of an older child based on how they are at six months. Likewise, @dorysealover YOU might feel guilty but your daughter is neither going to remember nor care that when she was six months old you sometimes allowed her to cry while you did something else. It is entirely up to you how you live your life, but IMO it is entirely indulging your own feelings of mummy-guilt and perfection to never allow your baby to cry.

I admit I might be biased because my first was twins so when I was on my own, sometimes it had to happen. My third was regularly fed to sleep but like I said earlier, we didn’t go to bed super early. And actually I think (it was a while ago!) he would sleep on DH for a couple of hours before we went to bed where we co-slept.

I do think your husband needs to do something in the way of chores of an evening, but it sounds like you have a very rigid plan in place that is restricting your own leisure time. It’s quite obvious from your comment about tv being lazy that you are filling your days with chores and baby entertainment. Your baby needs time to play by herself as well for a good rounded development. It helps foster imagination.

OP, get over the TV thing now, she will eventually watch cbeebies cause its a bloody godsend.

Put in the night garden on or something and put her on a playmat.

Her sleep is the main problem for you but doesn't sound like you are willing to do anything to change it. There is no nerd for you to be upstairs with her at 8pm.

When do you spend any time away from your daughter?

Some people won't get it, most people had babies who didn't need to be held all day and slept a decent amount.

Oh God yes. And then they give you advice. “You just need to do shush-pat, a bit of effort for a couple of nights, that’s all it’ll take!” Hahahaha

At six months old my first had to be rocked to sleep or the sky would fall in.

At six months old my third lay down and fell asleep on a concrete garage floor while DH mended his bike and it was a good half hour before he noticed. I think I wasn't even entirely sure where the baby was at the time.

I have an excellent relationship with them all. They all sleep well now. Current rows are about Call of Duty for under-18s: ALL of their friends are allowed to play it apparently.

Going through hell and putting your dd through sleep training or whatever tricks people offered so that DH can carry on playing xbox every evening and live like nothing major happened in his life if the last few months is wrong. Your life has changed massively he needs to adapt but how to make it working without putting your relationships at stake I don’t know

It sounds to be like a mix of your DH not pulling his weight, and you being a bit of a martyr about the baby.

I'd try to sort out the day time routine a bit - if you get her up at 7.30am, then she needs a nap by 9.30am so I would take her out for a walk in the pram. Wake her by 10.30am.
Same again after lunch - go for a walk at 1pm and let her sleep a bit longer.
If she needs another nap around 4pm maybe hold her for that one but make it a cat nap and awake by 4.30pm.

Once you're in a better day time routine and she is used to falling asleep without you, you can try to move those naps to a cot or even just rock her to sleep in the pram in the house or garden.

Give your DH responsibility for bath and bedtime. He can give her a bottle and settle her. If you can't stand to hear her cry then go for a walk for an hour! Falling asleep at bedtime without feeding her to sleep will mean she wakes less in the night.
You can tidy up and do some jobs while he does bath and bed, then you can actually watch some TV or something together in the evening.

Once she's sleeping better in the day she will be happier and more content to play on the floor while you do a few jobs. It's important to let her have some play time so she can roll and crawl about.

Any housework that needs to be done at the weekend should be split between you. We have always split lie-ins and housework equally.
There is more than enough time at the weekend to have a lie-in each, spend an afternoon cleaning, and have a family outing.

Gosh OP you’re getting a really hard time here. Some babies are easier than others! People seem to forget that.

I think there are 2 swowewte things here - firstly, your partner can do more to support you and take care of the house. He can put washing on, he can bath the baby, he can hoover, funnily enough his pen is doesn’t prevent him doing these things. Likewise he/you can spend a bit of time at the weekend sorting the house and going out - I don’t know anyone with a 6 month old whose out ALL DAY without half an hour to run the hoover round or put the clean washing away! Don't lower your expectations, tell him what you need!

Re: your daughters sleep - my LO was a rubbish sleeper early on & we co slept for my sanity. However when I stopped BF I stopped as I was advised it was less safe. Transitioning her from that was hard, but over a few weeks we moved from co sleeping to her sleeping in her crib. Using a sleeping bag really helped as she liked to be warm. Initially we rocked her to sleep & then put her down, we then introduced white noise & a comforter which really helped & we use for all naps at home. We then tried shh pat from the baby whisperer which really helped her learn to link cycles. My point is, if you want to get there you can. The gentle sleep book might be of use too.

Lovely for you TorkTorkBam. Not everyone’s children are the same as your children. Some babies just really genuinely are awful sleepers, no matter what you do. I don’t know if the OP’s is one or not, but some really are.

And the OP’s situation also seems to be that she does all the housework and her husband does none of it? The fundamental issue here is not how to best optimise her day so she can continue to do everything, just more efficiently.

I think he could do say half an hour's housework in the evening. I don't think that's asking too much.

Is it worth trying putting her to bed later - ie is it taking a couple of hours to settle her because she's not ready at that point.
My youngest was a velcro baby and it is tough but he didn't go upstairs to bed until I was ready to go to bed, so most nights he'd be up till about 10

DD was a bit like this and I got really fed up with well-meaning 'advice' about getting her into a routine/sorting out her sleeping (because of course it would never have occurred to you to try that, would it?! ).

I think if he has the energy to stay up to 11 he could afford to do some household chores in that time. He could pop a wash on, then come back in an hour or two and put it out on the drier to dry overnight, and that'd take minutes of his time really.

When DD was that age we had an agreement that whoever didn't do the bedtime routine cleared up the house, and we still more or less keep that that.

It's totally sensible for him not to get broken sleep if he can't do anything practical for you in the night time, but that does mean he's better rested than you and he probably doesn't realise how grindingly tired you're getting.

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if I've missed anything. Going off your OP you are NOT being unreasonable.

If you're going to bed at 8pm, and he's not going up for another three hours, why can't he use some of that time to do housework? It wouldn't take him long to put some laundry on, wash dishes and run the vacuum round, surely? Especially if you're upstairs and occupied with the baby.

He needs to do his fair share at weekends, too. Just because he's working, doesn't mean he can't do his share of housework as well. Lazy beggar!

This is a really hard time and it’s made harder when you exclusively breastfeed. I have had the same all of this year so far but luckily now getting well into weaning and sleep training etc.

What do you want your partner to do? Whilst it doesn’t sound like he’s doing very much at all, can you actually decide what would help you?
I don’t like it when the dads go to sleep in the spare room, I think unless they have a job which is dangerous without sleep then it’s a piss take! Yeah the odd night but I’d be annoyed if I got no support at all, even just a pat on the arm or an offer of a cuddle after my 5th time awake with the baby.

You need to decide what it is that would help and tell him, he’s not a mind reader and there’s no point you silently seething. If you need him to do some cleaning and a load of laundry on an evening then tell him! Ok he should be able to work it out for himself but there’s no point expecting him to do it now if this has been the routine for 6 months - get him told!

He should do more. There are things you can do to make life easier. Both of these things can both be true at the same time.

Part of deciding you want to exclusively breast feed, feed to sleep, attachment parent etc is accepting that it’s all on you without much respite.

This isn’t fair. Once he’s home, and at weekends, everything should be shared. The sad thing is, he supposed to want to do it.

@TorkTorkBam

It is going to be awkward when she's twelve at a sleepover and you have to pop over to pat her back every time she wakes up in the night.

@TorkTorkBam Jesus! She's 6 months old!! Plenty of research shows that secure attachments actually make very confident happy children.

I meet my babies needs. She wants to cuddle to sleep. Yes it's bloody hard and tiring but she won't always be little.

I didn't actually post on here for my daughters sleep anyway!!!

YANBU. Sleep-training is hard work and I never bothered because waking hourly and looking after a can’t-be-put-down baby alone all day is hard enough. Doing extra would have broken me; cosleeping and boob helped me survive.

I also went to bed early and didn’t have an evening! Still do sometimes!

Things that helped: I could prep food with DD in the sling. I’d prep meals while she was in the high chair, and narrate what I was doing. Ditto putting on a wash or loading the dishwasher or whatever: all while she was in the high chair.

The difference is, although DP had a five-hour round commute and was also exhausted, he pulled his share of the housework load, and more. He did half the meal planning, all the food shopping, all the clearing up and washing up, his share of the laundry, making the bed, etc.

He would also take DD in the sling as often as possible on weekends, evenings, WFH days – I think it helped their bond as we started splitting bedtime from 9 months. She’ll only settle for me with boob but she’ll settle for him with cuddles.

Get your DP to do bath and hand her over for the bed portion of the routine. He ought to be doing house stuff before X box. It’s also worth waking him for every single night waking for a week so he can see what you’re coping with and what an easy life he has.

(The shit sleep does get better without sleep training, btw.)

@OrangeSlices998 advice re getting baby to settle is exactly what I did with my first and what I’m doing with 7mth old now - dark room, white noise, grow bag, rocking chair and shushing to get very sleepy, Pat and shush once in their crib (bed in their own room bc they need quiet and dark), won’t take a dummy but would use a dummy if I could.

You can bring baby into your bed in the night if they wake but by starting to get them used to settling by themselves you will start to reclaim a little bit of your own life!