Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

[quote lockdownalli]@fruitpastille honestly, she will not settle in the Moses basket.
We have up on that when she was a week old

Missed this. By your own admission OP you are using experiences that are out of date. Why is she still in a little Moses basket? That's probably why she is waking up every hour!!![/quote]
@lockdownalli she isn't .
As I said. We gave up on that when she was a week old.

She's in a Next to me.

I think you're getting a really hard time. Ds1 was one that would only sleep on me in the day. We went with it and it didn't last forever. I look back now really glad that I didn't listen to everyone telling me he would never learn 🙄
It was either be attached to me all day long or cry his eyes out. I got barely anything done in the days but I did keep us both happy.
Thankfully he would sleep in the next2me at night.

@sophiestew

I work as a nurse now but until four years ago I was a Health Visitor.

Moses Baskets are only recommended for the first three months. I lost count of the number of parents who just couldn't understand why their 5/6/7 month old wasn't sleeping when they were still being expected to sleep in the basket.

Move her into a cot and address the poor sleeping habits. Loads of info online. Pick a strategy you like the look of and work your way through them. The way you are going now won't be doing you or your baby much good.

@sophiestew my baby isn't in a Moses basket. As I said in pp we gave up on that after the first week.

She sleeps in a next to me crib.

I agree with the others who have said that the sleep routine needs sorting out.

@Pebblexox

Also to add get a play pen, it would make some things much easier for you if she's fast mover. I refused for months with dd, as I felt I was restricting her but honestly it changed my life and made things much easier. Also if she's 6 months, can't she go in the high chair with the tele for 15 minutes a day, with a couple of toys to keep her entertained whilst you're doing daily bits?

@Pebblexox I don't mean to offend anyone at all. But I'd feel like a really lazy mum if I just sat her in front of the tv. I'm not saying anyone who does this is lazy, but I personally would just feel really guilty about it. I've never let her watch tv.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I agree with the others who have said that the sleep routine needs sorting out.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Okay so any suggestions on how to improve that as I'm at a loss with this.

This is what I'd do:-

Monday-friday
Dh puts a load of laundry in (and on) as part of his morning routine.
You work on dds daytime routine (inc encouraging her to need you less - start a separate thread for advice)
Put the laundry he did in the dryer
He keeps the 1hr playtime each eve but also includes a bath within that.
You prep dinner as usual during this 1 hr and also fold the laundry.
Eat together (when dd is happy to go to bed alone save dinner for after she's in bed)
You go up and do bedtime as usual (but again, work on her going to bed alone).
Dh then clears up dinner, tidies the ground floor, wipes down the kitchen. He chills after that

Saturday and Sunday
Pick one weekend day to go out (do you both honestly go out both days for a full day?!)
On the day you don't go out, tag team the baby. Every feed is you, every sleep is him (he can take her out in the pram for all naps if needed).
Whilst tag teaming, also tag the chores. Vacuum through, change beds, etc.
Keep the same evenings as weekdays with him play/bath and you dinner.

Ach you've gone and taught your baby she needs you to go to sleep. A lot of us made that mistake with the first.

There's good news and there's bad news.

Bad news: it is super hard for you and baby to break this inadvertent training (as can be seen from your defeatist absolutist posts).

Good news: dad can retrain the baby much more easily than you due to his lack of boobs and possibly harder heart.

It works like this: you must not do evening settling at all. Or weekend settling. He does it all. He brings you the baby to feed then takes her away again. At six months the feed, just feed, not boob as sleeping pill, would normally take 15-20mins. At first the baby will get fuck all sleep and be upset because she thinks sleep only happens if you are patting her or she is on the boob or whatever and she will be exhausted and well pissed off with you both for denying her the essentials for sleep. Then she will go to sleep a few times successfully by lying down closing her eyes and just going to sleep (like she will obviously eventually learn one day anyway). Then by the power of baby brain plasticity she will be immensely pleased at this revelation of self-powered sleeping prowess all by her own self and your life just got a lot easier.

Massive side benefit, by outsourcing this to your DH and making him the boss of how it is done, how much crying is acceptable etc, you remove yourself as default parent and gatekeeper parent both in his mind and your mind. You can both work shit out solo and muddle through. Nobody is baby-skillz-owner. Now that's the dream.

OP, ignore the busybodies going on about the routine.

People really don't understand until they've had a Velcro baby that doesn't want to be put down.

DS woke hourly until nearly 12 months and we had the same agreement as you; I do the night shifts, but DH gives me a sleep in at the weekend.

We found it easier by doing the following:

-Started using HelloFresh. This meant dinner times were sorted and required no brain power
-Hired a cleaner. Best £20 a week and was worth saving in other areas
-DH took DS out for an hours walk every other evening. I whizzed around the house in this hour and cleaned
-A jumperoo or playpen. It'll give you 15 mins of peace

Other than that, it really is just a tough phase. Now that DS is older it's so much easier.

@dorysealover not offended don't worry. We rarely have the tv on day to day in our house as I can't stand watching it and would much prefer music in the background. However 15 minutes once every couple of days would not make you a lazy parent. If not tv, why not a couple of toys with nursery rhymes playing in the background on a speaker?
At 6 months old she really doesn't need to be strapped you to 24/7, this is the perfect age for them to start doing things a little more independently, such as learning to play with rattles/stackers etc.
I hope you find what works for you soon.

If putting her in front of the TV makes you feel lazy, then just stick her in a playpen with some toys instead.

And sleep train. There are loads of methods, choose one that suits you. We did CC at about 6m with all of ours, never took longer than 3 days.

@TorkTorkBam

Ach you've gone and taught your baby she needs you to go to sleep. A lot of us made that mistake with the first.

There's good news and there's bad news.

Bad news: it is super hard for you and baby to break this inadvertent training (as can be seen from your defeatist absolutist posts).

Good news: dad can retrain the baby much more easily than you due to his lack of boobs and possibly harder heart.

It works like this: you must not do evening settling at all. Or weekend settling. He does it all. He brings you the baby to feed then takes her away again. At six months the feed, just feed, not boob as sleeping pill, would normally take 15-20mins. At first the baby will get fuck all sleep and be upset because she thinks sleep only happens if you are patting her or she is on the boob or whatever and she will be exhausted and well pissed off with you both for denying her the essentials for sleep. Then she will go to sleep a few times successfully by lying down closing her eyes and just going to sleep (like she will obviously eventually learn one day anyway). Then by the power of baby brain plasticity she will be immensely pleased at this revelation of self-powered sleeping prowess all by her own self and your life just got a lot easier.

Massive side benefit, by outsourcing this to your DH and making him the boss of how it is done, how much crying is acceptable etc, you remove yourself as default parent and gatekeeper parent both in his mind and your mind. You can both work shit out solo and muddle through. Nobody is baby-skillz-owner. Now that's the dream.

@TorkTorkBam

I worry about this though because she obviously takes comfort in being able to feed to sleep.
If I stop this and she get upset, id feel so guilty. I don't want her to ever feel like I'm not there for her.
It's so hard.

It is going to be awkward when she's twelve at a sleepover and you have to pop over to pat her back every time she wakes up in the night.

A lot of us made that mistake with the first.

OP, I need you to hear this clearly, it is not a mistake.

Comforting your baby and reassuring them is not a mistake.

Not sleep training them is not a mistake.

@TorkTorkBam

It is going to be awkward when she's twelve at a sleepover and you have to pop over to pat her back every time she wakes up in the night.

Please, do not spout rubbish.

Oh God, OP, you're going to get a pile of people telling you off for 'making' your baby into a bad sleeper now.

Feel free to take whatever advice works, definitely try whatever you can, but FYI if you get one that's just a shit sleeper then sometimes that's beyond your ability as a parent to 'fix'. Some babies are just sodding hard.

As I said above my first one was a nightmare with sleep, then my second came along and I did exactly the same things and that one slept absolutely fine right from newborn. Used to go down 'drowsy but awake' and everything. I got more done on maternity leave with that one plus a preschooler around than I did with just a single baby to look after the first time round.

@TorkTorkBam

I've reported your post there.

Maybe try supporting other mothers?

How horrible.

Can I suggest you try a dummy again? My first refused it but then at 5.5 months when my dh and I were at our wits end at not being able to settle him at all without feeding to sleep, he said ‘have we still got that dummy?’. Put it in, instant sleep. Instant. Worth a try maybe?

OP I really mean this kindly but you are coming across as a bit if a martyr to your situation.
You've had good advice about sleep training and using a playpen, both of which you've dismissed.
You really can't go on having no time to yourself, it'll crush you in the end. Going to bed at 8pm and spending hours settling s baby is bit healthy for you wellbeing.
Your DP is a different issue, write a list, stick it to the fridge if needs be.
Monday, clean bathroom, Tuesday mop floor etc. If hrs a decent fella he'll give up 30 minutes if his free time to do this, and still get 2. 5 hours.

@ScarMatty

Surely you can see that post is sarcastic?

OP - your baby is designed to sleep with you/close to you/on you. It’s not a bad habit or a mistake.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@ScarMatty

Surely you can see that post is sarcastic?

OP - your baby is designed to sleep with you/close to you/on you. It’s not a bad habit or a mistake.[/quote]
No, I genuinely didn't see that.

FFs joke scarmatty. The point being of course she will learn to go to sleep solo eventually! We all do. It is not this impossible hurdle dory has turned it into in her mind.

@TorkTorkBam

As a new mum a lot of things seem impossible and very difficult

It is also not your baby’s job to facilitate your husband’s XBox time. Do what you can during the day, but if it comes down to either “baby sits screaming in a playpen/highchair while Mum does the hoovering” or “Dad does the hoovering after work”, then I’m sure a grown man can manage.

And at weekends he should absolutely be pitching in.