Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

That doesn't mean he didn't lift his finger, but yes, he didn't do as much as he does now with both of us working full time.

That’s sad, you don’t get that time back. Incredibly selfish of him. It’s weird how some people don’t see childcare as worthy enough to be considered work, isn’t it? Or that you somehow have to prove that you’re useful by doing chores, like being with the baby isn’t enough. It must be hard if you don’t have someone who sees mat leave as being with the baby though, so you have my sympathy.

@ivfdreaming

YABU

He's at work all day and then spends an hour with DD before you both go to bed at 8 and then you have a lie in a weekends.....You are home all day. Loading the washing and hanging it out takes 10 minutes. A room per day flicking the duster and hoover over 30 mins or so.

Don't let the usual MN Harpees on here get in your head that's he's a lazy useless sod. Because from what you've said in your post he isn't

This^^ I know it’s is hard being with baby all day, but you are making a rod for your own back by not expressing (help with night feeds and time out away from baby), going to sleep with her (babies need to learn to settle by themselves) and having zero time for you two as a couple. If you’re starting to feel resentful, then please talk to your DH sooner rather than later.

Another dull passive aggressive goady yawn.

I’m sorry for you that breastfeeding your child meant you still had to do exactly half of the chores, because you saw that as equality rather than fairness.

It's breastfeeding. It's not rocket science. I latched a baby on to my boob for 10 minutes every couple of hours. It's not a big deal for me, or some huge super human feat that needs someone to support me by doing all chores and cooking all meals. Shockingly it was pretty easy to do both.

And for the record, yes it's possible to make Yorkshire puddings, whilst simultaneously breastfeeding and playing with a 2 year old. Or other dinners. Not because my husband was lazy and couldn't do it, but because I had the opportunity and it was fine.

Or I could do stuff in the 1 hour 50 between feeds. Breastfeeding during cluster feeding/newborn can of course be intense, but it's also just a normal part of parenting, and doesn't render you otherwise incapable.

you got a lot of grief on here. sorry about that OP. Sounds like a normal healthy relationship with a 6m old baby to me. Of course your baby needs you to sleep. That is not a sign of an unhealthy attachment at all. Keep trusting your instincts. It is really tough balancing it all with a small baby though. As hard as it is, you have to let the housework slide a bit, they aren't this little and demanding for ever. Can you have a discussion with your partner and agree on a few, specific chores that he could do to make it feel more balanced for you?

@Pumperthepumper

That doesn't mean he didn't lift his finger, but yes, he didn't do as much as he does now with both of us working full time.

That’s sad, you don’t get that time back. Incredibly selfish of him. It’s weird how some people don’t see childcare as worthy enough to be considered work, isn’t it? Or that you somehow have to prove that you’re useful by doing chores, like being with the baby isn’t enough. It must be hard if you don’t have someone who sees mat leave as being with the baby though, so you have my sympathy.

Oh for goodness sake @Pumperthepumper!!! Your replies are so holier than thou and condescending. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I don't need to prove I'm useful by doing chores (I'm rolling my eyes here) This is all because I think it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility for someone minding a generally happy 6 month old to be able to do a little light housework during the day. Now it has descended into a situation where you are seemingly overcome with pity and sadness for people like me who have selfish, cold hearted, lazy husbands who see no importance in the raising of our children and want us permanently chained to the kitchen sink the minute we give birth. Get over yourself.

This is all because I think it shouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility for someone minding a generally happy 6 month old to be able to do a little light housework during the day.

But totally out of the question for someone to do it after work? Get over yourself.

@dorysealoverThe issue here is the fact that you’re glued to the sofa for around 4 hours a day while your daughter naps on you. That’s 4 hours that you could have to yourself (not cleaning or tidying) and that may make you feel a little less resentful of DH as you may then feel like you’re also getting a little time to yourself during the day.

When you say she “won’t” nap anywhere other than you, what you actually mean is she hasn’t been given the chance to learn how to nap anywhere other than you. Sleep training doesn’t involve crying or “plonking her in front of the tv” (although come back to me in a few years and let me know how that no telly time is going). There are some very very gentle sleep training techniques out there, which I’ve used myself incredibly successfully and they involved absolutely zero crying. You just have to be willing to put the time and effort in. Lucy Wolfe for starters has an excellent book which we followed and it worked fantastically.

Admittedly though, I agree with pp that there is a touch of martyrdom coming through on your posts. You want DD to sleep on you, and you don’t want her to settle for DH, but you also want to be able to moan about it. It’s up to you to fix it - if you don’t want DH to be able to settle his daughter in any way then that’s a decision you’ve made as a family, but you must accept that it makes your job a darn sight harder.

I also totally agree with this.

Sorry - intended to quote post by @ivfdreaming that I now can't find.

There's a lot you can do about DD's sleep. Contact your HV for sleep support, that's what they're there for. You must be absolutely on your knees! If you can get to a point where he can put her to bed and you're not waking all night long everything will seem much better than it is right now.

I stopped reading this thread!!!

Whilst a lot of the replies were helpful, a lot were not.

I've been told I've made a clingy, anxious baby.
I need to seek help from a sleep consultant.
I've taken attachment parenting too far.
I'm a martyr.

To clarify -

I didn't say I NEVER put DD down.
DD spends plenty of time on her play mat / in her jumperoo / sit me up.

I said I don't feel comfortable leavening her unattended on her play mat/jumperoo whilst I pop off to do housework.

Someone suggested a play pen, to which I replied I hadn't really considered that, but seems like a good idea, and I've since ordered one!!

What I DID say, is that DD likes to take the majority of her naps on me so I don't put her down when she SLEEPS during the day, otherwise I'd use this time to tackle the house work!!

Have you tried various slings!

Personally I never got on with them but if it worked for you and DD it could be an option to either get stuff done, go out and DH using it as a method of getting her to sleep with lots of human snuggling which she clearly loves?

I said I don't feel comfortable leavening her unattended on her play mat/jumperoo whilst I pop off to do housework.

you cannot stick some laundry into the wash or fold some towels whilst DD is on her play mat?

@angelfishrock

I said I don't feel comfortable leavening her unattended on her play mat/jumperoo whilst I pop off to do housework.

you cannot stick some laundry into the wash or fold some towels whilst DD is on her play mat?

@angelfishrock Christ sake! Of course I bloody can!!

The issue is bigger jobs, going upstairs to clean the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen etc. All require being in a different room longer than a few minutes!!

@dorysealover

The jumperoo lived in my kitchen for that very reason. If not a jumperoo, something else.

You don't have to leave your child in a different room to clean/tidy, you take them with you. I have a box of toys in my wardrobe for when I tidy my bedroom, one box in the landing, so I can hop in the shower)give the bathroom a once over etc.

And no, of course you don't need to do it all, but you made it sounds like you didn't even put the dishwasher on, or couldn't out clothes in the washing machine...

If that is the case, then it's going to make life a lot harder for you in the next couple of years because learning to entertain themselves (happily, safe and supervised) is really important.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@dorysealover

The jumperoo lived in my kitchen for that very reason. If not a jumperoo, something else.

You don't have to leave your child in a different room to clean/tidy, you take them with you. I have a box of toys in my wardrobe for when I tidy my bedroom, one box in the landing, so I can hop in the shower)give the bathroom a once over etc.

And no, of course you don't need to do it all, but you made it sounds like you didn't even put the dishwasher on, or couldn't out clothes in the washing machine...

If that is the case, then it's going to make life a lot harder for you in the next couple of years because learning to entertain themselves (happily, safe and supervised) is really important.[/quote]
@Babyboomtastic

In my post, I said I was limited to what I can do around the house. I didn't say I can't do anything.

I also said I do my cleaning on a weekend when DH is home and watches DD.

Hi, by six months you should be weaning the baby...if you are not maybe she wakes during the night because she is hungry.

My elder daughter would not take a dummy but would suck her thumb. Sucking is a comfort....give her something soft to cuddle and put her thumb...or better a couple of her fingers... in her mouth to suck.

Try to keep her awake in the afternoon...using baby bouncer chair, toddler groups etc..and then after her bath put her down...I am afraid she will cry but just try and leave her for a few minutes each time before resettling her. It broke my heart to do it but unless you get her into a sleeping pattern this will go on for years.

The chores with Dh can be sorted out later...you will both feel better once you can get a good nights sleep, together.

Good luck

@Br1256

Hi, by six months you should be weaning the baby...if you are not maybe she wakes during the night because she is hungry.

My elder daughter would not take a dummy but would suck her thumb. Sucking is a comfort....give her something soft to cuddle and put her thumb...or better a couple of her fingers... in her mouth to suck.

Try to keep her awake in the afternoon...using baby bouncer chair, toddler groups etc..and then after her bath put her down...I am afraid she will cry but just try and leave her for a few minutes each time before resettling her. It broke my heart to do it but unless you get her into a sleeping pattern this will go on for years.

The chores with Dh can be sorted out later...you will both feel better once you can get a good nights sleep, together.

Good luck

What nonsense. Babies don't need to be left to cry or stopped from breast feeding in the night, it won't go on for years. If people are happy to feed and comfort overnight they're not creating rods for backs, their baby isn't abnormal to still wake overnight and there are plenty of things to try before crying and sleep training. Babies and small children are very adaptable.