Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

If I could give every new mother a piece of advice it would be don't make yourself the baby gatekeeper and don't martyr yourself.

Stop martyring and gatekeeping then the DH situation becomes a lot easier.

I love the book How Not To Be The Perfect Mother.

When people keep saying "you're a martyr"
What does this actually mean??

[quote ScarMatty]@Sayitagainwhydontyou

But I could say it's just as unhelpful to keep going on about how supposedly poor the routine is that OP has when she's made it clear again and again that sleep isn't the issue here.

I was told I was making a rod for my own back, and I've ended up with a couple of horrible memories of early parenthood where I tried to force my DS into this magical routine where he would settle himself and sleep wonderfully. As soon as I followed my instinct to respond to my child's specifics needs, parenting became much more fun and relaxed. [/quote]
The fact of the matter is that OP's current set up isn't working for her. Some of that is her DH (and i addressed that in my first response) but spending 4 hours a night settling a baby who then wakes every hour - none of that is conducive to a happy, healthy mum.

OP is currently responding to her baby's needs - does she sound relaxed, or like she's having fun? She sounds overwhelmed and exhausted to me. Her DP doing more laundry will help, and he absolutely should be doing that, but the core problem is the mummy martyrdom.

There is a huge difference between "sleep training" and all the negative connotations and simply helping your baby to learn how to not be held/comfort fed all day every day.

Playpen for awake time = 20 min housework blast.

Tummy time while you tidy the lounge / bedroom.

Long walk in buggy at nap time, park up asleep when you get back.

Backpack carrier so you can do stuff while holding her

Sleep head grand & dummy may help cot naps?

Also this sounds obvious but try not to make too much mess! It doesn't sound like you have bottles etc to sterilise. Make easy meals, minimise washing up. Clean the bathroom while baby in the bath (assuming you have a safe seat). Have a place for post, don't let it spread all over the kitchen. Get supermarket shop delivered.

Get yourself out for a walk with a flask of coffee and try enjoy some peace and quiet when you can

@dorysealover

When people keep saying "you're a martyr" What does this actually mean??

It means that you are not just putting your needs last, you are actively damaging yourself in the name of raising your baby. It doesn't help your baby, and it certainly doesn't help you.

You need to do sleep training. All this "I dont want her to feel like I'm not there for her" is just nonsense.

Do you want an independent child? Or do you want the child who screams and cries all day at nursery and bubbles at the school gate when you leave her?
Teaching resilience and independence starts young. Teaching children to self soothe is a vital skill. Wrapping a kid in cotton wool like this results in the kid being the baby of the year group.

She needs to learn to sleep. You need to learn to let go.

You will be there for her; she will know that. But she can also learn how to be comfortable in herself.

@dorysealover

When people keep saying "you're a martyr" What does this actually mean??

It means they think you're falling into a trap of believing the baby rules the roost and there is nothing you can do to change the situation.

In reality, parenting is an active process. You can gently teach your baby to sleep alone. This may or may not make you happier.

@dorysealover

it sounds like you want everyone to say you are doing it all perfectly and your DH is wrong and being lazy. I don't think he is, and i think you need to spend some time with him alone, you're not just 'mum' you are you as well but you seem to have forgotton that.

You are making a rod for your back beacuse your dd is completely dependent on you and can't even be comforted by her own dad? I think that is very sad for him.

I personally don't want to spend 24/7 with my child, never have done. When on maternity i would spend the day with her while dp was at work then he'd have her so i could go to the gym or whatever, then she was up to bed so we had evenings together. Some days she spent a few hours with my mum just so i could have a break and be on my own. Now i'm at work full time and she is at nursery happy as anything.

What doe your DH do while you’re catching up with the chores at the weekend?

Looks after DD.

Well then if you can’t/won’t ever put your baby down then I’m not sure what else you expect him to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

You are doing an amazing job, never mind what your husband is or isn’t doing. Ime BF is not just a feeding choice, it sets up a whole family dynamic that’s different, as you really can’t just hand your baby over to someone else, it’s not that simple. Co-sleeping helps as you’re not ‘getting up’ and eventually your body will adapt to the broken sleep. Ignore anyone who tells you your baby doesn’t need to feed that often. You’re her mother and you know what she needs, and she’s telling you what she needs, and you’re listening. She’s lucky to have you.

So yeah, he could prob be doing more housework to balance out the monumental and incredible task you’ve undertaken. (High five emoji)

@IsaLain you do realise that sleep training does NOT cause an independent child right? The op clearly doesn't want to do it.

The divide is simple:

Those who sleep train and do all the housework themselves

Vs those who put the baby first and the DH does his share

I'm an "attachment parent" but what you're doing isnt attachment parenting. You've gone too far.

This is a quote you should really try to take in and remember.

Attachment parentingadvises emotional responsiveness, and this practice aligns best with scientificattachmenttheory. Babies grow best when their feelings are taken seriously. But well-meaning parents can overdo it, believing they need to meet the child's every request, which can be exhausting and counterproductive.

[quote BiscuitLovers098124]@IsaLain you do realise that sleep training does NOT cause an independent child right? The op clearly doesn't want to do it.

The divide is simple:

Those who sleep train and do all the housework themselves

Vs those who put the baby first and the DH does his share[/quote]
What a bleak world you live in. Where are the families like mine where both parents do the sleep training and housework together, yknow, like a team?

Do you want an independent child? Or do you want the child who screams and cries all day at nursery and bubbles at the school gate when you leave her? Teaching resilience and independence starts young.

Sorry but that's bollocks. Independence is fostered by a secure attachment to a caregiver and you don't need to sleep train to have that.

I feel it is important to teach children that mothers, and by extension women in general, are human beings with valid wants and needs that can be met even when it inconveniences others.

You will not teach your child this if you don't believe it yourself.

You and DH cannot model it if you block it.

I havent RTFT but, OP, you could be me (though my DD is 8.5m) right down to the spare room, though it's PS4 here not xbox, and 2am not 11. It's been really hard. I love my partner to the ends of the earth but it feels like EBF has given him the sweetest fucking ride ever in terms of having a newborn. It took until I was on the brink of an actual nervous breakdown for him to start pulling weight a bit more and now at least he gets up at a reasonable time and does more around the house.

I really thought a tiny silver lining of lockdown would be that I wouldn't feel so "on my own with the baby" but..

You need to get this baby off your boob. And sort her sleep. This is not about your husband. It's about you both needing to sort out this baby's sleep. Hire a consultant if you need to!!!

Here is a more full excerpt.

What you can end up with, is an anxious child who cannot be without you rather than a child with a trusting, healthy, loving attachment but also a strong sense of self and confidence.

*Attachment parenting advises emotional responsiveness, and this practice aligns best with scientific attachment theory. Babies grow best when their feelings are taken seriously. But well-meaning parents can overdo it, believing they need to meet the child’s every request, which can be exhausting and counterproductive. In contrast, research on secure attachments shows that, in the flow of everyday life,misattunementshappen about 70 percent of the time!

Whatisimportant, researchers say, is that the baby develops a generalized trust that their caregiver will respond and meet their needs, or that when mismatches occur, the caregiver will repair them. This flow of attunements, mismatches, and repairs offers the optimal amount of connectionandstress for a baby to develop both confidence and coping skills.

“There’s a difference between a ‘tight’ connection and a secure attachment,” Sroufe explains. “A tight attachment—together all the time—might actually be an anxious attachment.*

If you don’t want to sleep train for your own sanity / health / relationship then sleep train for your baby’s benefit. She can not be well rested when her sleeping is so poor. I would not expect a newborn to have as many night wake ups as she’s having.

Mix feeding is the best strategy because it entirely avoids the get out of jail free card for dads.

You need to do sleep training. All this "I dont want her to feel like I'm not there for her" is just nonsense.

Do you want an independent child? Or do you want the child who screams and cries all day at nursery and bubbles at the school gate when you leave her?*
Oh fuck off with the guilt trips, this is just total bollocks. My daughter has been at nursery for six weeks, no settle sessions because COVID, and this morning she swaggered through the entrance herself without a care in the world, didn’t look back to say goodbye, Ms Independent. I fed her to sleep for every wake up, and there have been a million. She napped in the sling until she was one.

It’s just utter crap and staggeringly unhelpful to tell the OP she needs to sleep train in order to prevent problems when the real problem is her sodding DP sitting on the X-box when he could be putting a fucking wash on or chucking something in the slow cooker.

It’s not always martyring oneself to do all the night wakings, it’s just the fucking way some babies are, and it does get better, and it is hard, but leave off with this idea that she’s ruining her child.

If all the nonsense-talkers suggesting routines that involve “waking the baby” from naps at a certain time or “letting the baby sleep longer” for naps could also fuck off, that would be good too.

@nanbread

That's exactly right. A secure attachment. But this child doesnt have that. This child has an anxious attachment, which doesn't foster a confident attitude.

There is a different between secure attachments and anxious attachments. The OP is over compensating and the baby is distressed without her and cant even sleep for long periods of time without waking to ensure mum is still there. That's an anxious attachment.

The divide is simple:

Those who sleep train and do all the housework themselves

Vs those who put the baby first and the DH does his share

This is absolute bollocks.

What stood out is to work on your daughters sleep, you must be exhausted & seems a bigger problem to me than your DH. Everything seems worse when your raising sleep thief’s !! Goodluck

@burritofan

Did your child routinely take 4 hours to settle to sleep, and wake every hour every night looking for mum?

There are healthy attachments when being constantly with your child and there an anxious attachments, where the baby isnt feeling secure. This child sounds like an anxious attachment. That is not the goal.