Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

YABU. You need to put her in a proper routine. She should be in a cot for her nap during the day and she should be left to settle with your OH. If you unexpectedly were admitted to hospital how do you think she would cope? Badly! So do it now before a problem like that arises!

@AhNowTed

At 6 Months your baby can go on a play mat or in a bouncer, allowing you to tidy and put a wash on. She doesn't need your undivided attention her every waking minute.

Also yes to this. Get her a bouncer and a mat.

Why isn't he batch cooking in the evenings? He could spend a couple of hours preparing a double quantity casserole for the slow cooker to start in the morning and do a big batch of pasta sauce or roast veg to freeze.
That would take a couple of hours at the most and still leave loads of time for his XBox and TV.
It is possible to watch TV and iron, peel potatoes etc.
He sounds selfish OP.

Why can’t you both get the housework done in a couple of hours on a Saturday morning while the baby lies on the floor with some toys, then you could just enjoy your weekend? Sounds like he could be doing more but also sounds like you might be being a bit of a martyr to the housework.

you are doing a lot more work then he is. I have an 8 month old baby and have to say I felt a lot more with it and less tired when I was doing my 9-5 job on a full night sleep then I do now, same as you, doing all night wakings (atleast 2 a night) and all the housework etc. so I would never buy the excuse that the one working is more tired so can opt out of housework etc. what would he be doing if you were at work too? would the housework just never be done? that's where that argument falls on its face.

parenting is 100x harder and more tiring then any job I have ever had. when he gets home he should be doing 50/50. YOU are the one getting a shit night sleep whilst his hasnt changed, its no wonder you're starting to feel irritated and resentful.

You just need to get organised with your housework more. You only have one 6 month old baby. There's definitely enough time in the day to get stuff done if you get organised. Have a look on YouTube for cleaning routines of mum's with babies for inspiration. See what you can get done and then maybe have a specific job for your dh to do at the weekend such as vacuuming. If you need to tidy alot maybe you need to declutter your things. See if baby will sleep for longer by swaddling them and playing white noise to them. That can help. I know it's hard but I think your dh is not the problem here. If you can organise stuff the best you can you can know what you need him to do, but the majority of stuff you can get done in the week and if you go out, don't go out too long if you haven't done the chores. It's just how it is as a mum. You will be on the go all day ! I've got 3 kids now and I remember when I had just 1 it all being a shock, but you will get a hold on things as time goes on and you'll get some routines going.

It's just how it is as a mum.

It doesn't have to be. Dads can chip in with the housework and the baby care too, without needing hand-holding and giving a list, they really really can.

I could have written your post from the sleeping POV 6 month old who would be fed to sleep after a good bedtime routine at about 8ish but then could be up every 30mins wanting to be fed to sleep until 10ish. Then up anywhere from 2-6times a night. I was knackered and frustrated and missed seeing my partner in the evenings so I did a lot of research and it seemed likely that baby couldn’t self settle between sleep cycles so we needed to put good sleep cues in place to teach him.

I brought forward bedtime to 7-7.30 depending on daytime naps, gave him his big nighttime feed before bath instead of after to break the food/sleep association (he might have a top up after), put him in his own room, started gentle sleep training to reduce how asleep he was before putting him to bed to result in putting him down awake and and instead of jumping up immediately that he cried in the night I waited 10 mins. He now wakes once at night for a feed, is sleeping better in the day and I have my evenings back.

This is pretty similar to how it was for us in the early days. It gets easier.

I would suggest you feed then he rocks her to sleep to try and reduce the feeding to sleep association but you have said you are not comfortable with that. This is from someone who has breastfed for 5 years+ with multiple children. This is often the thing that stops you having more freedom and can go on for years. I am totally pro breastfeeding but it does mean bedtime and nightwakings end up falling to you if you use feeding for comfort. If you both wish to do your this he needs to recognise he us getting a good deal with undisturbed nights and help.out more in evenings and weekends.

So the options would be he takes her out on a weekend for a good chunk of time to allow you time to catch up and he could help out more with housework e.g. he puts on a load of washing at night and hangs it out begore going to bed so it didn't all fall on the weekend.

I would advise starting this now. It's easy to think you are on mat leave and therefore it all falls to you, but if you plan on returning to work this dynamic often doesn't change ( from my friendship groups) so you end up doing everything and resenting your husband

@fruitpastille

Can you leave her in the moses basket downstairs with dh in the evening while you get an early night? Then he brings her up when he goes to bed. Feed her as much as you can first.

@fruitpastille honestly, she will not settle in the Moses basket. We have up on that when she was a week old. For the first few months DH and I had to sleep in shifts as DD would only sleep being held. She will sleep in the Next to me now but feeds to sleep and then I can put her down.

Sounds like my life when DS was 6 months. It’s hard but it gets easier and it won’t be like this forever.

I did get DS to nap in a cot - it took two weeks of keeping with it and neither of us got any sleep. It was hell. I didn’t sleep train as I don’t agree with it and it’s not my parenting style. I now feed DS to sleep as usual and then put him in cot asleep and he will now nap. He also does this for the evening so I get some time off / time with DP and then I co-sleep when I’m ready for bed.

Solidarity with you during this really difficult time. You’re doing a fabulous job and it like all phases will end.

I see it from both sides - I’m forever fighting with DP because I never get a break and I do all the nights (also BF) and he doesn’t do a huge amount in the house. He works hard, long hours, shifts and keeps us with food on the table whilst I’m having maternity. Your DH has to have down time too.

There’s not enough hours in the day. These arguments are normal. It’ll be over soon when your DS is not so little and it’ll be a new problem.

Try to enjoy cuddling your baby and sod the housework. Spend time with your DH and enjoy your family. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

I agree with PP - you need to prioritise sorting out your babys sleeping issues.

If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night Maybe not? Try again. Put her down to nap in her cot.

You say you don't actually put your baby down to sleep at all, is that correct? By six months this is a bit unusual and is causing issues. In the evenings, DH seems to be making an effort but maybe he could also do bath?

If DD slept a little better at night you could have a proper evening together. Waking every hour must be exhausting for both you and her - it's more than most newborns!

@Merryoldgoat

So, if you look at your job as looking after the baby, and your husband’s whatever it is, then everything else needs to be split:

Cooking, housework, shopping, bathing, childcare when he’s home etc.

Why isn’t he ‘Catching up in housework’?

What I would say is that when breastfeeding you have to accept there’s not much you can do about the wakings or sharing them. It’s shit but it’s just what it is.

Why are you going to bed trying to settle baby at 8? Much better to go a bit later and for them to settle well. My younger DS just doesn’t need as much sleep as others - 10pm - 7.30am is perfect for him.

@Merryoldgoat

I take her up at 8pm as most nights it takes her a few hours to settle.
I worry that if I went even later we'd be awake until the early hours trying to settle her. She will usually sleep 4 hours from when she settles then wakes.

@fruitpastille honestly, she will not settle in the Moses basket.
We have up on that when she was a week old

Missed this. By your own admission OP you are using experiences that are out of date. Why is she still in a little Moses basket? That's probably why she is waking up every hour!!!

You say you don't actually put your baby down to sleep at all, is that correct? By six months this is a bit unusual and is causing issues.

It's not that unusual. Some babies are just a bloody nightmare about this. I had one the same - would only sleep when held or when outside and moving. Tried everything to get her to sleep for more than 10 minutes in the cot, felt like a pathetic failure, stopped talking about it to people because of the head-tilty "gosh, have you tried just putting her down when she looks tired?" responses I used to get.

DC2 came along, I did exactly the same things, baby napped like a dream.

You can't always just parent your way into the baby doing what you want them to do.

@ivfdreaming

YABU

He's at work all day and then spends an hour with DD before you both go to bed at 8 and then you have a lie in a weekends.....You are home all day. Loading the washing and hanging it out takes 10 minutes. A room per day flicking the duster and hoover over 30 mins or so.

Don't let the usual MN Harpees on here get in your head that's he's a lazy useless sod. Because from what you've said in your post he isn't

My baby is slightly older than yours OP. I'd love to put a wash in and hang it up in ten minutes. It can take me a couple of hours to do a dishwasher as you're doing it in loads of bits! Cut yourselves some slack - you must both be exhausted.

@AhNowTed

At 6 Months your baby can go on a play mat or in a bouncer, allowing you to tidy and put a wash on. She doesn't need your undivided attention her every waking minute.

@AhNowTed

Ok well is it "normal" at 6 months for DD to arch herself so high that she practically looks as if she's going to fall out of the bouncer!! I daren't leave her in there.
I leave her on the play mat but she's a fast mover so I do feel a bit paranoid about being of the room. But I'll give it a try for sure 🙂

Playpen or travel cot worked for me

@Princessbanana

YABU. You need to put her in a proper routine. She should be in a cot for her nap during the day and she should be left to settle with your OH. If you unexpectedly were admitted to hospital how do you think she would cope? Badly! So do it now before a problem like that arises!

@Princessbanana she won't sleep in the cot during the day! Believe me I have tried. She doesn't like it, she cries and screams and I'm not prepared to see her get like that for the sake of me getting some extra time. It's not nice to see.

OP your baby's sleep is ridiculous, and I feel like this is the main issue really. Sleep train your daughter and then spend 30min a night with your husband sorting the house out.

I work as a nurse now but until four years ago I was a Health Visitor.

Moses Baskets are only recommended for the first three months. I lost count of the number of parents who just couldn't understand why their 5/6/7 month old wasn't sleeping when they were still being expected to sleep in the basket.

Move her into a cot and address the poor sleeping habits. Loads of info online. Pick a strategy you like the look of and work your way through them. The way you are going now won't be doing you or your baby much good.

Have you spoke to him about your expectations?
When dd was born, dh was great with her. Nappy changes, bath tome, bed etc. However he was oblivious to the housework. Before we had her, I worked half the amount he did so did pretty much all the housework to keep myself busy, so when dd came home he kind of just expected it to be done. When I spoke to him after a couple of weeks he admitted he hadn't even thought of that as he was so used to it just being done and then he changed instantly and started doing much more around the house.

OP so get a travel cot. It doubles as a play pen so she is safe and you can get on with stuff.

You can't have her literally attached to you all day.

Best of luck.

@lockdownalli

I agree with PP - you need to prioritise sorting out your babys sleeping issues.

If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night Maybe not? Try again. Put her down to nap in her cot.

You say you don't actually put your baby down to sleep at all, is that correct? By six months this is a bit unusual and is causing issues. In the evenings, DH seems to be making an effort but maybe he could also do bath?

If DD slept a little better at night you could have a proper evening together. Waking every hour must be exhausting for both you and her - it's more than most newborns!

@lockdownalli

Occasionally I can put her down asleep in her bouncer / pram and she will stay asleep.
But most of the time as soon as I put her down, she wakes up and is completely wide awake.

It feels easier sometimes to just keep hold of her and let her sleep.

Also to add get a play pen, it would make some things much easier for you if she's fast mover. I refused for months with dd, as I felt I was restricting her but honestly it changed my life and made things much easier.
Also if she's 6 months, can't she go in the high chair with the tele for 15 minutes a day, with a couple of toys to keep her entertained whilst you're doing daily bits?