Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

Sounds like some give and take here?

He could help more with housework, but with 3 of you in the house I assume how many hours are you spending?

Unless you love in some giant 6 bedroom home with multiple dogs then a quick hoover, dishes away, wipe some surfaces and a tidy up in the evening. We have three dogs two teenagers and will spend no more than 30 minutes a day on housework.

Maybe on a. Friday evening, pop baby down somewhere safe with DH both of you set a timer do a blast of the house, say 1 hour.. and then it's done for the weekend you can relax and just tidy.

The naps during the day? Just pop baby in the cot and do some sleep training? That's not easy but it will work, and will give you some time to relax, the baby will only want what you give it. You are actually in charge of theses routines and I feel you are making it hard on yourself?

Could you do mixed feeding just a bottle in the evenings? Then DH can help more.

Just a few suggestions, I feel he is maybe not pulling his weight but equally some changes you could make will help you regain your daytimes and feel more in control.

@Bluntness100

That’s a shame he didn’t see the priority in childcare then. I wish he’d been more supportive to you and your children

Eh what now? 🤣

Your view is I’m a pisstaker. My view is your husband is lazy and unsupportive by leaving all the housework to you and not seeing looking after your children as worthwhile. So there we go.

Bluntness, do you not see childcare as work? My DP does; his view was that I was working pretty much 24/7 on call with DD – she always settled well for him and he always did bathtime, but ultimately his nipples don’t lactate so I was No1 parent for a long time. Particularly as she teethed relentlessly from 16 weeks to 11 months. Whereas his job was only 8 hours a day and he had commute time to nap, watch films, read books. Plus he thought sitting at a desk was piss easy compared to even the easiest baby (and after her colic phase DD was a dream). As far as he was concerned I had the harder job and him doing anything less than the lion’s share of housework and domestic labour would be the pisstake. But every family is different.

@Pumperthepumper

It's a shame that you were so lacking imagination and/or lazy that you couldn't even make your own lunch or fold laundry whilst your baby happily played by your side.

We're you a very anxious parent? It doesn't sound healthy to me.

Bluntness, do you not see childcare as work?

looking after your own child is not work. it's called parenting.

@Babyboomtastic must be lovely to sit on your backs side and leave everything to DH mushy it. I don't think some people live in the real world. I don't actually understand how some people manage to get nothing done. My first born had severe reflux and colic and was a very unsettled baby but I still managed to get basic housework done.
I took the last 3 months of my last maternity leave, the unpaid bit and I'm so grateful my DP worked so hard to cover my wage cut.

It doesn't sound healthy to me. Nor me. Although it's none of my business how people bring up their children. That timetable sounds absolutely suffocating.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@Pumperthepumper

It's a shame that you were so lacking imagination and/or lazy that you couldn't even make your own lunch or fold laundry whilst your baby happily played by your side.

We're you a very anxious parent? It doesn't sound healthy to me.[/quote]
Not at all! I saw the time as getting to know my babies. So did my husband! Again, didn’t think that was particularly unusual, but here we are.

Do you hold a lot of resentment to your husband for not doing any housework? Did he really never make your lunch or clean his own house? That’s really sad, think of the time you missed out with your kids because he was so selfish.

@derxa

It doesn't sound healthy to me. Nor me. Although it's none of my business how people bring up their children. That timetable sounds absolutely suffocating.

😂😂 whereas hoovering and folding washing is what women live for! Cuddling babies, what a hideous way to spend their early childhood.

whereas hoovering and folding washing is what women live for! Cuddling babies, what a hideous way to spend their early childhood.
I'm a hopeless housewife and loved cuddling my babies but not all day long. I needed to see other people.

@Pumperthepumper

Lol

Just lol

Tell that to my husband who took 6 months off to get to know and care for each child, and worked like a dog, that he did nothing.

Who for our first that was bottle fed, we alternated every night since the baby was born irrespective of who had work, who was more than capable of entertaining a baby whilst cooking and cleaning, like pretty much every other normal and competent parent out there. And for our second that is breastfed, he still takes them for 2 hours every morning before work so I can catch up on sleep, and all housework is split equally.

I didn't need to be treated like some sort of invalid just because I was utilising my breasts - I needed, and got equality. I certainly wasn't so precious that I couldn't care for myself and my family, alongside my husband.

Shockingly, it is possible to do some basic chores, whilst still having contact naps and breastfeeding, and doing meaningful activities with your child, without neglecting your child and leaving them cry

YABU unfortunately. He's the breadwinner, his salary is what's keeping the whole ship afloat and he does do some things to help you out. As a SAHM though, the childcare and housework do mostly fall to you, I'm afraid. (I'd say your DH was unreasonable if he didn't help at all, but he does.)

And for our second that is breastfed, he still takes them for 2 hours every morning before work so I can catch up on sleep, and all housework is split equally.

What’s your definition of equality if you’re still doing more than him? If you’re doing all the feeds should he not be doing more housework to make it truly equal? It’s a shame he’s so lacking in imagination and/or lazy that he can’t make your lunch once in a while.

@angelfishrock

Bluntness, do you not see childcare as work?

looking after your own child is not work. it's called parenting.

That’s right - that’s why nobody sees childcare as a job. Oh no, wait, that’s wrong. It’s only a job if you pay someone else to do the childcare.

You really want a breakdown because your assumption that men are lazy is so ingrained?

Ok. Let's take it from midnight last night.

Me
0:00-2am - I'm trying to get insomniac youngest back to sleep. Then I go to bed.

5:30-6am - insomniac baby back up again. Then back to bed.

9am - I get up and take over with the kids.

Some general tidying whilst looking after the kids, I make lunch for all of us (including husband). Empty and refill dishwasher. I put on dinner in the slow cooker whilst youngest is napping.

He will bath both kids after dinner whilst I do a bit of bedtime prep and then we do bedtime for one child each.

I might do some light tidying this evening, but that's about it.

Husband

3-4.30am - he is awake with eldest child.
8 - he gets up when the children wake, takes them downstairs, gives them breakfast, cleans up the carnage, and does some kitchen chores. Then goes to work in the study.

Midday: he eats the lunch I've made him (we either make our own or split it pretty equally) and then cleans the cooker and mops the kitchen floor.

After the children are in bed he'll sort out the kitchen after dinner. Whoever cooks doesn't clean up, and we split it roughly equally (whoever has more time cooks, or he has his favourite dishes, I have mine)

I do more general tidying on my days with the children, he does more of the deep cleaning. We have a similar amount of leisure time. He gets slightly less sleep than me on average, but mine is more fragmented.

You really want a breakdown because your assumption that men are lazy is so ingrained?

Not necessary, you don’t have to justify your choices to me! It’s the OP who’s getting a hard time for daring to think her husband could actually do housework. It’s you who has to throw ‘laziness’ around as a definition of ‘being with your baby instead of hoovering’.

I’m one of the few posters who argues that men are not lazy, and coming home after work and putting a load of washing on isn’t the end of the world.

Then goes to work in the study.

Hang on, he’s working from home?! You’re about to get a really hard time from previous posters on here - if he’s at home all day why isn’t he doing all the housework like the OP was advised to do?

@Lludmilla OP isn’t a SAHM; she’s on maternity leave. Also her DP isn’t “helping out”. Look at it like this: he is currently only able to be the breadwinner because he has childcare for his baby. Should OP go back to work tomorrow he would need to find an alternative childcare arrangement to allow him to keep earning, or take on the childcare. The same way I was able to go to work at 9 months because my DP took shared parental leave; his childcare made me available to earn a salary. So the OP’s DP is not keeping the ship afloat – they both are, and both roles are valid, the childcare and the salary-earning. It’s a balance. Finally, taking this WILD assumption that they’re both equal partners in the household to it’s terrifying conclusion, the running of said household is an equally shared responsibility. When her DP does chores, it’s simply his share of the load – not “helping” OP with hers.

As someone said up thread, if in 8 hours you don't have time to put on a load of washing then you are doing it wrong.

I'm also a bit bemused by your idea that her husband should do childcare plus housework (which you have intimated is neglectful in your opinion) in the few hours he has sole childcare (because of work), but in the 40hrs+ that the OP has the child, it would be too much effort.

Perhaps that is one time that should be devoted to the child because he has more limited opportunities.

Perhaps that is one time that should be devoted to the child because he has more limited opportunities.

I said he should do it when the child is asleep instead of playing his xbox for three hours per night and expecting his (breastfeeding) wife to do it all.

I don’t think you’re as comfortable with equality as you think you are. It’s really not outside of the realms of possibility to work outside of the home and clean that same home at night. I promise ‘men doing housework’ is not unusual.

@Lludmilla OP isn’t a SAHM; she’s on maternity leave.

I stand corrected, I had missed this info. Apologies for the misunderstanding OP.

However, I still feel that the general principle I put forward (that whoever is at home more at a given time should shoulder the majority of the childcare and housework) is a valid one. It goes without saying that the parameters need redrawing once the OP returns to work, but I stand by my opinion re division of labour as things stand at present. I'm not being sexist btw; I'd be saying the same if OP was working and her partner had taken paternity leave. It's purely about division of labour imho.

I’m quite clean and tidy but fuck me, some people make a right song and dance and over ‘housework’. Perhaps you live in mansions!
You can make it less complicated. On nights I cook, he tidies the table, washes any pans and gives the kitchen a quick once over and vice versa on the nights he cooks. Whoever showers last, gives the bathroom a quick once over.

@Pumperthepumper

Shockingly both myself and husband have worked (pre Covid) out of the home and done chores. We've both stayed at home with a young baby and done chores. No one is saying it's not possible or fair to do with and choew, but that both people need to do some.

It is possible to get off your bum you know...

But you know as this and are just being goady now. You must be, as your lazyness and sexism astounds me.

But you know as this and are just being goady now. You must be, as your lazyness and sexism astounds me.

That’s ok. I’m also astounded by the laziness and sexism of your insistence that your baby’s needs come second to your husband’s wants. I’m sorry for you that breastfeeding your child meant you still had to do exactly half of the chores, because you saw that as equality rather than fairness.

*Pumperthepumper:

Yes! When I was on mat leave with each of my children I prioritised being with them - particularly my youngest, who was a Velcro baby (occasionally would sleep in the sling, right enough).

And guess what? My husband did the house work! This will absolutely blow your mind - he’d play with the babies, bath them and read to them while I cooked dinner (or the other way round sometimes) then - wait for it! - when they were asleep he’d hoover! Or clean the bathrooms! He’d also often (brace yourself) iron all our clothes for the next day AND cook us lunch (makes a mean lentil soup).

I honestly can’t imagine him not pulling his weight - or refusing to clean because that’s my job when I’m at home all day with the children. Is this scenario really alien to you?*

@Pumperthepumper Yes that scenario really is alien to me! I can't imagine anyone thinking it's fair not to lift a finger during their maternity leave and leave everything to their partner to do when they come home from working fulltime. I just can't understand how anyone thinks that's acceptable. I actually think it's incredibly selfish. We're not talking about caring for a newborn here which is different obviously. You said it was like that until you went back to work. Did you never feel even the slightest bit guilty watching your DH hoovering the sitting room and cleaning the bathroom after spending all day at work while you continued to sit on the couch?

And I find your comment about babies being more important in your house compared to hoovering very insulting. Obviously those who have a different opinion to you don't regard hoovering as more important than their babies which is what you were clearly implying. It doesn't mean we love our babies any less than you because we can manage to throw on a wash or run the mop over the kitchen floor while our baby is playing on the floor or napping. You still have the ability to interact and chat with your baby while you're not actually touching them you know.

And just to put your mind at ease, my husband has always done his fair share of the housework and cooking. When I was on maternity leave and also while I am working full time outside the home. Obviously now, no housework gets done during the day as we're both at work so we share it in the evenings or weekends. But while I was on maternity leave and at home all day, I was perfectly capable enough to get most of the necessary jobs done during the day while also lovingly caring for my baby. That doesn't mean he didn't lift his finger, but yes, he didn't do as much as he does now with both of us working full time. He helped and contributed in different ways.