Am I expecting too much of DH?

[dorysealover]

DD is 6 months old.

DH is at work all day so just me and DD at home.

She's going through a developmental leap and doesn't seem to be sleeping much at the minute. Some nights she's waking every hour. DH has decided to sleep in the spare room so he can get a good nights sleep.

We've agreed that on a Saturday and Sunday he will get up with DD on a morning so that i can have a few hours sleep in, which after a week of poor sleep, I need.

DD will only nap on me during the day or in the pram if we go for a walk, she doesn't like the sling, so I feel like I'm limited to what I can do around the house.
If I didn't let DD nap on me she wouldn't nap she'd become over tired and sleep less on a night.

When DH comes home around 5pm I feel ready to hand DD over and catch a quick break.

He will spend an hour playing with her whilst I sort the dinner for us, we will eat at 6/6.30 and by 7 I do DD bath and we both go to bed at 8pm (although it can be a few hours before she will settle)

DH will stay downstairs watching tv / on his Xbox until around 11pm then he will come up to the spare room to bed.

I use time on a weekend to catch up on house work, cleaning, laundry etc, but if we plan a family day out, the house work gets put on hold and i then feel irritated that the house isn't in order.

I just sometimes don't feel like Dh is doing enough, yet I feel like I don't ever stop!!

Some nights he will offer to cook so then he misses the play time with DD.

I breastfeed so he can't really do bed time as she feeds to sleep, and I've tried feeding her first for DH to settle her but she will not settle unless I'm there.

I don't really know what else DH could do but at the minute I'm starting to feel irritated with him.🙄

Any advice?

OP, our son wasn't a great sleeper but sleep train only when you are ready to, if you start and your hearts not in it, it won't work.

I agree with the TV, my DS didn't have any TV or screens until he was about 2 and only 10 mins.

So there is no point in your partner getting up through the night if you are feeding through the night, I never expected my DH to get up through the night just to prove some kind of point, when it was me feeding the baby, no point both being tired.

Weekdays
DH slept through the night, went to work, came home took the reins with our DS until bedtime. I did make tea, but then sometimes I would have time upstairs on my own or jump into the bath, the down for family play.

Weekends.
DH slept through, he did the morning with DS for a few hours while I slept in or watched podcasts, TV or read if I wanted.
Then family time from then on. Both doing jobs around the house as we go, me more so but I didn't mind that at all as I was well rested and liked things done a certain way,

I wouldn't have a problem with my DH having wind down time of an evening once we are in bed, as we had a clear picture of his things are sorted.

I think a lot of people get frustrated as they have no idea when they are next getting 10 mins to themselves and it seems endless, routine is key, for you and your husband, get a plan in place that you are both happy with,

Dd sounds exactly like mine at the age. The difference is my dh has been wfh throughout the pandemic and he is a sweetie so he knows how hard it is (and always says his work is an easy break). He cleans up after dinner, and does quick tidying around the house when I do the night routine, naps, feeding etc.

Can you talk to him about this? He needs time to wind down yes, but alternate nights he can do whatever until 11pm.

My husband would do a few nights in the spare room and a few with us to do nappy changes and general company.

What doe your DH do while you’re catching up with the chores at the weekend?

@Darkestseasonofall

OP I really mean this kindly but you are coming across as a bit if a martyr to your situation. You've had good advice about sleep training and using a playpen, both of which you've dismissed. You really can't go on having no time to yourself, it'll crush you in the end. Going to bed at 8pm and spending hours settling s baby is bit healthy for you wellbeing. Your DP is a different issue, write a list, stick it to the fridge if needs be. Monday, clean bathroom, Tuesday mop floor etc. If hrs a decent fella he'll give up 30 minutes if his free time to do this, and still get 2. 5 hours.

@Darkestseasonofall I haven't dismissed a playpen?! I think that's a good idea!!

I don't want to do sleep training. It's not for me.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but as a mum of 3 you learn that you can just leave the baby in the day playing - assuming she’s crawling you need to get a playpen then you can do a couple of chores in the day. You need to sort out the naps in day as well by 6 months you should be able to put her down for a nap. I’m really sorry but you sound like a bit of a martyr. Please don’t forsake days out at weekend to clean the house. Get a system in place. With my third baby if I didn’t have the other two older ones if honestly felt like a day off as was so easy and he was a colicky baby who was up constantly in the night. In the day i would nap when he did. Sounds like you might be bit of a perfectionist.

Op I've read through your posts and a lot of people are missing the point. You don't need to sleep train or anything else. Your baby is completely normal for a 6 month old (and I think you know this!) The issue is getting DH to understand how exhausted you are and how he can help with alternatives. When you breastfeed and do all the contact naps, he needs to take up more cooking and cleaning. Yes it's hard, but you've both agreed to have a baby.

If he doesn't, then the rate of housework and everything else will reduce. Just make him aware of that. Hopefully if he's a decent guy he'll understand.

Sorry but your don't need to put a baby in front of the TV if you don't want to.

Personally I'd rather do fewer chores than strap a 6 month old in front of the TV.

The Organised Mum Method is good.

Even if he just did one task a day - think what bothers you the most when you see the job not done. Its his house too, if he lived alone he'd still have to take care of home tasks. You're not Dobbie the house elf.

You have both done a full day's work so I'd suggest small chunks during the week e.g. choose 2 jobs from the fridge list

15 min hoover
pay a bill/do 15 mins paperwork
dishwasher and washing machine on/fold washing and put away
take out bins

Batch cook at weekend so you have meals in freezer - slow cooker if you're out for the day.

Saturday morning you could both alternate playing with baby and doing a few chores from the list for an hour. Just prioritise what you both feel is most needed - blitz the kitchen for example.

Our house was basically clean (bathrooms and kitchen being clean is my minimum) to maintain hygiene but beyond that I let it go. Not all babies are the same - some don't nap, sleep through or placidly kick around on their mat whilst you try and do 10 jobs at once.

Have to say my husband also worked full time but still mucked in with chores. Even with that I think I was trying too hard - ended up with chronic fatigue. Not fun!

A lot of women's work is invisible (and women still do much more housework when time surveys are done - pretty much globally). Despite people saying 'oh you're at home all day, get a grip', you can only do so much.

I would be asking him to at least contribute 30 mins daily to house jobs. If you do the same (when someone else if with the babe) hopefully there's not a mountain at the weekend.

@dorysealover do you realise that there are loads of different methods of sleep training? Not all involve crying.

@nanbread

Sorry but your don't need to put a baby in front of the TV if you don't want to.

Personally I'd rather do fewer chores than strap a 6 month old in front of the TV.

This.

You sound like a great mum BTW. Give yourself some slack, you won't look back and think about how many chores you got done.

What you're going through is only temporary, fast forward another 6 months and she'll be eating solids, sleeping better and will no doubt learn to self soothe.

I know it's difficult right now but it does get easier!

Oh OP I absolutely feel you, and I feel really sad at some of the responses you've had here. 6 months is still really really young and there's nothing wrong with your sleep situation. Keep hanging in there!!! For what it's worth, in my experience with my youngest who was also a contact loving baby, if you keep responding to your baby's needs things will get easier at the right time for them. My boy absolutely had to sleep touching me, so either in the sling in the day or in bed with me at night. There was no point fighting it!!! By 1 year old he was down to 1-2 night wakings, and by 2 years zero night wakings. Now at 2 and 3 months he's started asking for Daddy and a cup of milk at bed time instead of Mummy and boobies! I created no rod, no bad habits, he just grew up a bit and your baby will too.

Onto your actual question- it feels really unfair to get no sleep and no down time while daddy gets great sleep and lots of down time right? It's totally appropriate to address that imbalance and you need to do the baby sleeping at the moment so your partner needs to help with the housework and have a little less down time.

Sending lots of love and hugs xxx

I had velcro babies (especially the first) and didn't sleep train. The only difference I would suggest to your routine is going up laterif DD takes ages to settle, she might as well be downstairs with you both so that the two of you get some time together. Other than that, your H needs to do moreand understand his time isn't his own anymore.

A few things need to change:

• you don't need to make fresh dinner every night. Chilli, curry, slow cooker, freezer dinners are your friends.

• I don't see the point of you going to bed at 8pm if the baby has no intention of sleeping for several hours.

• There is nothing wrong with having to put your baby to sleep but I think you should work on your response to her during her night wakings - make it as boring and uninteresting as possible when she wakes (including denying her boob if she only wants it for comfort rather than hunger) and hopefully she will eventually figure out she's getting no fun from Mum and sleep for longer periods. I didn't breast feed but when dc used to wake at night and he didn't need a feed, I would comfort him in the cot. No, he didn't like it and it was hard to hear him cry but I knew that the best thing for him in that moment was to get back to sleep, not have playtime. Your dc will cry but your job isn't to stop her crying at any cost, it is to do the best thing for her even if she doesn't like it in the moment.

• At some point, your dc will have to be left with dh for a long period of time and she won't be happy about it but she'll have to get over it because he is her father. The sooner you start this the better for everybody. If your dh only does the fun playing part, she will come to rely on you for everything practical. Why doesn't he do bath time for starters? On that, I am one of those parents that doesn't see the need for nightly baths for babies but I understand it may help sleep. If it doesn't help sleep and is just another job for you to do, keep it to a couple of times a week.

• I understand how you feel about tv but that ship sailed for me fairly early on and I did use it. I don't know any child that didn't eventually watch tv.

Nobody is suggesting sticking her in front of it for 8 hours but a few minutes at a time isn't going to hurt.

@Lazypuppy

OP, get over the TV thing now, she will eventually watch cbeebies cause its a bloody godsend.

Put in the night garden on or something and put her on a playmat.

Her sleep is the main problem for you but doesn't sound like you are willing to do anything to change it. There is no nerd for you to be upstairs with her at 8pm.

When do you spend any time away from your daughter?

@Lazypuppy

I don't spend anytime away from her.

I am willing to change her sleep. Gently.
I don't want to do sleep training. That's my decision. Appreciate some do. I don't.

I caved to sleep training in the end, I was going insane.
Second child just had to go in sling and scream. She stopped after a while and fell asleep. Just initial anger!
Neither of mine napped in cot, only pram which was fine for me.

I only did ready meals or very easy things in week.
At weekend dh had baby and I would batch cook , I like cooking.
It gets easier!

Out of interest, what are your objections to sleep training? I think you think it means letting your child scream til they give up. It absolutely doesn't.

It is completely normal to make a rod for your own back with your children. The bugger of it is that you then have to go through the pain of retraining them, which isn't nice for either of you but is 100% normal in being a parent and in being a child.

Not true at all.

We never sleep trained. Cuddled and fed to sleep.

Now at 18 months DS sleeps 12 hours solid.

I hate the "rod for your own back" statement. It implies that catering to your babies needs is a negative thing

Also second the person who said contact napping and breastfeeding as comfort actually works much better longterm. 6 months is a clingy time.

@Angelina82

What doe your DH do while you’re catching up with the chores at the weekend?

Looks after DD.

@ScarMatty

It is completely normal to make a rod for your own back with your children. The bugger of it is that you then have to go through the pain of retraining them, which isn't nice for either of you but is 100% normal in being a parent and in being a child.

Not true at all.

We never sleep trained. Cuddled and fed to sleep.

Now at 18 months DS sleeps 12 hours solid.

I hate the "rod for your own back" statement. It implies that catering to your babies needs is a negative thing

You were lucky. Feeding to sleep and contact napping meant that it was impossible for me to leave my first, ever. She was so incredibly distressed at nursery (we tried for six weeks) that i had to take her out, take a month of annual leave, teach her to sleep by herself and then try it again.

Feeding to sleep can absolutely be a rod for your own back. Telling FTMs it isn't (as lots of people told me) is disingenuous and wildly unhelpful.

Do you and DP spend any time together with DC? Or each other at all? While I definitely think he should be doing more to help with housework etc., it also sounds a bit shit sitting downstairs on your own for 3 hours a night.

Also, if baths aren’t helping with sleep anyway then she doesn’t need one every night, that’s one less job to do a few days a week.

You need a 4 hour stretch of sleep. This is important. When I was treated for severe post part depression (I was hallucinating and was admitted) the doctor told me that a 4 hour stretch of sleep is vital. I went to bed at 8 with both my boys and my husband was on watch until 12am. Then we swapped. He’d get a 12-6.30 stretch. I’d get the first 4 hours and then up whenever baby woke after that. Try to nap when baby naps.

@BikeTyson

Do you and DP spend any time together with DC? Or each other at all? While I definitely think he should be doing more to help with housework etc., it also sounds a bit shit sitting downstairs on your own for 3 hours a night.

Also, if baths aren’t helping with sleep anyway then she doesn’t need one every night, that’s one less job to do a few days a week.

@BikeTyson on an evening after work we're all together and we spend weekends together. Me and DH don't have any time together at the minute.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

But I could say it's just as unhelpful to keep going on about how supposedly poor the routine is that OP has when she's made it clear again and again that sleep isn't the issue here.

I was told I was making a rod for my own back, and I've ended up with a couple of horrible memories of early parenthood where I tried to force my DS into this magical routine where he would settle himself and sleep wonderfully. As soon as I followed my instinct to respond to my child's specifics needs, parenting became much more fun and relaxed.