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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours - is this a child safety issue or do I keep my beak out?

218 replies

njf33 · 17/08/2020 11:46

Neighbours live in a small new build style 2 bed house. Ground floor is effectively all open plan. They have 4 children (mix of boys and girls) - youngest around 5, eldest started secondary school last year so 12, coming up for 13 I guess. All 4 children share a room which personally I don't think is appropriate given the age of the eldest girl who either is or will shortly be going through puberty. They own rather than rent, we're in an expensive area so their house would be worth 350-400k.

More seriously, they leave all their children to play outside all day unsupervised, and have done for years. We're on a busy road (main road out of an estate) which is also a bus route. The youngest child in particular has no road sense and I have seen several near misses where he hasn't looked before running across the road, although none of them are particularly traffic aware. I've had all of them running across my drive while I'm reversing, or just standing on the pavement (my car is quite high up, and it's quite easy for them to end up in my blind spot) and they do this to other neighbours too. They also ride their bikes and electric scooters down the middle of the road again not properly watching for traffic.

I understand children need to play etc however as parents I feel we have a duty to make sure our children can do so safely before allowing them out unsupervised especially on a road where there is a fair amount of passing traffic. As to how I know they are unsupervised, you can't see into the street easily from our houses due to the road layout; occasionally (usually after a near miss) one parent will stand outside in the front garden for an hour or two 'watching' but they normally get bored of that after a day or so and go back inside leaving children to their own devices.

I think there is an issue here - so YANBU - yes, do something or YABU (beak out).

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 17/08/2020 12:19

Why why why would you take the risk of hitting a child, when you know you have a blind spot on your high up car? Either reverse into your drive every single time or park somewhere else. You must also reverse out onto that busy road with all the traffic, which is also completely stupid.

JamesZebra · 17/08/2020 12:22

op- I have 2 teenagers, one boy, one girl. They share a room. We don't have the option to move at the moment so we have to do the best we can with what we have. The kids have their own areas of the room split with furniture and whilst it isn't ideal it also isn't horrendous and the kids get on with it. Not criticising you- just giving you a different perspective.

flowerrful · 17/08/2020 12:23

You sound nosy tbh. Them moving to a larger house or not is none of your business. You could mention to the parents that you've seen near misses on the road?

WaltzfortheMars · 17/08/2020 12:23

How do you know all the children sharing one room? Room maybe divided by some sort of divider, or parents may sleep in the living room, etc?

Hoggleludo · 17/08/2020 12:24

My grandfather lived with 26 people in a 2 bed

2 up 2 down. They squeezed 17 people into one room. It was just after the war and all the people who lived there had had their houses bombed and were homeless. So my great grandmother all invited them to come live with her!

It wasn’t so long ago that we had much bigger families. My friend has 11 children in a 3 bed. It’s my favourite space ever. The love that hits you when you walk into that house (though they don’t live near a main road and wouldn’t allow them to play out the front without one of the big kids anyway. Who are 15,17,18,21). It was very recently that people started to be Able to afford bigger housing.

So I wouldn’t judge. My grandfather had a lovely lovey upbringing. He always takes with great joy when they had strangers living in his home. Fortunalty they all ended up being friends of the family and were safe. But he said it was the happiest he’d ever been. He went into have 14 children.

Don’t always assume it’s an unhappy house because it’s crowded.

dottiedodah · 17/08/2020 12:25

Firstly how on earth can a family be reported to SS for sharing a room FFS! Not everyone can afford a 3 or 4 bed home you know!Why should they overstretch their finances and put themselves in debt for a bigger house? If they have 4 DC then their money wont go far! As far as playing outside ,then yes you are right to be concerned , however this must be happening up and down the country! I think YABU Im afraid!

SkatingWithBears · 17/08/2020 12:26

Mentioning reversing into the drive isn’t irrelevant, it’s important. You’re not allowed to reverse into a main road for good reason! I say that as someone with a narrow drive, on a main road between traffic lights and a bus stop which is sloped. I have to obstruct traffic every time I reverse as it’s busy, but it’s the only legal safe way to access it. I’d never reverse off, unless I had a second person to stand behind me for safety (very occasionally I’ve been forced to do this, you don’t then just reverse off over a pavement!). It’s bloody dangerous. The day a toddler is scooting ahead of parents on a scooter is the day you run a child over, in a high car it’s an insane thing to do. Really OP, never ever do this! Park elsewhere if you don’t have the driving confidence for the manoeuvre. Learn to stop, signal your intentions to traffic then reverse on safely. Until I could do this I parked elsewhere for a bit.

Sharing a bedroom- this is the real world. It happens. A lot. There is no magic fix.

The rest sounds like kids playing. If you have a concern tell the parents, maybe they haven’t seen the Road sense issues directly and the kids just are getting high and silly at times and forgetting themselves.

There’s a few very sheltered people on here

Jargo · 17/08/2020 12:26

I think you are being hugely inappropriate.

If you were worried about their safety, you would be reverse parking to ensure that your driving manner was in the safest way possible.

I shared a room with mixed-sex siblings until I was 14 - there was absolutely no issue at all. This room thing is very "mumsnet" and in most countries in the World it's pretty common for mixed-sex siblings, and often even parents, to share room.

Sounds like they are raising the children to be independent. Children do not need supervising by an adult full time, particularly when they are early teenagers (and yes by 12/13 you would expect it to be fine for them to play together outside). You say that they have lived there for ten years so they clearly feel comfortable with their set up.

Has anything actually happened in those years?

(my car is quite high up, and it's quite easy for them to end up in my blind spot)

It's your responsibility to check your blind spot. If your car is too high up to drive safely, get a new car.

TitsOutForHarambe · 17/08/2020 12:27

Don't see what the roomsharing has to do with anything. There are 4 children and 2 bedrooms. What do you expect them to do? They can't magic extra bedrooms out of thin air.

I do think them being outside unsupervised all day is an issue. Maybe the parents have assumed that the eldest will look after the youngest, but that obviously isn't happening if all these safeguarding issues are cropping up. Also it's very unfair to expect the eldest sibling to play parent. I know It's how things were done when I was a kid but it's unfair.

I would just keep thinking about what would happen if you didn't call and then one of them got hit by a car.

JuniperFather · 17/08/2020 12:27

@SkatingWithBears

Mentioning reversing into the drive isn’t irrelevant, it’s important. You’re not allowed to reverse into a main road for good reason! I say that as someone with a narrow drive, on a main road between traffic lights and a bus stop which is sloped. I have to obstruct traffic every time I reverse as it’s busy, but it’s the only legal safe way to access it. I’d never reverse off, unless I had a second person to stand behind me for safety (very occasionally I’ve been forced to do this, you don’t then just reverse off over a pavement!). It’s bloody dangerous. The day a toddler is scooting ahead of parents on a scooter is the day you run a child over, in a high car it’s an insane thing to do. Really OP, never ever do this! Park elsewhere if you don’t have the driving confidence for the manoeuvre. Learn to stop, signal your intentions to traffic then reverse on safely. Until I could do this I parked elsewhere for a bit.

Sharing a bedroom- this is the real world. It happens. A lot. There is no magic fix.

The rest sounds like kids playing. If you have a concern tell the parents, maybe they haven’t seen the Road sense issues directly and the kids just are getting high and silly at times and forgetting themselves.

There’s a few very sheltered people on here

Couldn't agree more with all of this.
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 17/08/2020 12:27

As an ex social worker the bedroom issue is completely a non issue.

The playing out is possibly an issue however it’s possibly a non issue, in my area, built up, friendly, neighbourhood awareness, children as young as 5 play out independently and some even younger.

minnieok · 17/08/2020 12:28

Do you know the kids share? Perhaps the parents sleep on a sofa bed, as for the kids, the eldest is old enough to be responsible for the younger outside, unless they are really in danger keep out

NotNowPlzz · 17/08/2020 12:31

Ffs you're putting a lot of thought into their housing situation.

Rosearch · 17/08/2020 12:33

At no point has the OP said she reverses off her drive.

And anyone who thinks it's fine for a 5 year old to be regularly running across a busy road unsupervised... Well I don't really know how to respond to that. And I was definitely at the relaxed end of parenting our children.

Whatthexx · 17/08/2020 12:35

. If they are fed, clothed and happy that's what matters. Maybe one sleeps on a sofa bed. Maybe not. But everyone has different standards of living and different priorities.

As for playing out. All kids are the same these days. Kids round the corner from me stand at a junction playing with a ball on the road. It's not safe at all. But at least they are out playing I guess. Not on screens. Feel free to tell them when they nearly get hit by you though. I would do the same and say you need to be careful and look out for cars! It does seem kids these days are fearless and loud and racing about, but perhaps it's because I'm older now.

They sound like fairly normal parents. Nothing screams neglect from your post.

VeniceQueen2004 · 17/08/2020 12:35

I thin kthe reason you raise the room issue is because you look down on them and don't think they should be living in your 'naice' area - why won't these plebs move to a cheaper area more in keeping with their station? Reeks of snobbery tbh.

The road safety issue - if the kids are stood in your way when you're reversing, stick your head out and ask them to move! Likewise if you see them doing something dangerous in the road. They're not animals or aliens who'll fail to understand you. Emerge from your bubble and speak to them. If they refuse or give you lip by all means take it up with their parents. Basic courtesy would require you to at least attempt to speak to them as if they were reasonable human beings before you start scouting around for an official to 'tell on them' to.

Pumperthepumper · 17/08/2020 12:36

@Rosearch

At no point has the OP said she reverses off her drive.

And anyone who thinks it's fine for a 5 year old to be regularly running across a busy road unsupervised... Well I don't really know how to respond to that. And I was definitely at the relaxed end of parenting our children.

I then have to reverse out when leaving.

In the third post, I think.

And the OP being right about the road safety of someone’s children will mean absolutely nothing at all if it’s the OP who kills one of them in the high up car with the known blind spot.

Viviennemary · 17/08/2020 12:36

It's not an ideal set up. But I don't think SS would be interested. IMHO. A lot of roads have children whizzing up and down on scooters. Drivers need to be extra careful.

tootiredtothinkofanewname · 17/08/2020 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Colom · 17/08/2020 12:37

Laughing at the idea of sharing a room being akin to child neglect Grin it's bonkers to be worried about this. Plenty of families the world over share communal sleeping areas. Complete non-issue. It's not a human right to have your own room!

The road safety is another issue. I have a very sensible four year old and I can't imagine letting her play unsupervised on a busy road for quite a few years yet. You could have a quiet word with the parents in a tactful way if you get along? I imagine you don't get on too well though...

tootiredtothinkofanewname · 17/08/2020 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Griselda1 · 17/08/2020 12:38

The room issue is really nothing to do with you, the traffic issue is a concern and you should take action on it.

ANewNameIsWhat · 17/08/2020 12:39

I think you need to stop twitching your curtains.

CodenameVillanelle · 17/08/2020 12:40

@contrmary

I think maybe report them for the fact that the children all share a room - four kids in one room is wildly inappropriate regardless of their genders and ages.

As for the unsupervised play, these things have a thing of sorting themselves out. Social services won't give a fuck. All you can do is be extremely careful not to be the one that knocks one of them down.

You can't report people for children sharing bedrooms. FFS
ANewNameIsWhat · 17/08/2020 12:42

In some parts of the world it’s considered a cruel punishment to sleep alone. The children might like sharing and it certainly isn’t neglect. The council put families and worse conditions than that, whole families sharing a room.....