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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
academicallyblonde · 16/08/2020 08:11

YANBU. He doesn’t sound very nice at all.

Shesapunkpunk · 16/08/2020 08:11

You made his breakfast and ironed his clothes? How much does he do around the house? I would never ever live with him.

TokyoSushi · 16/08/2020 08:12

Wow, what a twat.

23trains · 16/08/2020 08:13

Don’t do any more housework for him - if it’s not that hard to do he can get his own breakfast, iron his own clothes, etc.

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 16/08/2020 08:13

Move out. Now. He’s horrible.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/08/2020 08:13

I don't think I would have gone off for a little cry. I would have gave him a piece of my mind.

Palavah · 16/08/2020 08:14

Did you move in with him on a live-in housekeeper arrangement, ie you're salaried?

If not why did you do all of those things?

Alittleodd · 16/08/2020 08:16

You lost me in the first sentence OP. If I'm not going to work and my husband is why on earth would I get up at 7am?!?

In fact I have had to have words with him about HOW early he brings me my coffee up (the smell wakes me up you see, and I maintain that anything pre 8am is inhumane.)

LunaNorth · 16/08/2020 08:17

He sounds absolutely horrible. Why are you with him?

RiteAid · 16/08/2020 08:17

Thank goodness you found out what he’s like before you moved in with him. Now you know what he would be like to live with and you can avoid it!

AnytimeIsWineTime · 16/08/2020 08:17

What a totally ungrateful sh*it head!
You do more than what I do that’s for sure! My dad pointed out that mum and made a double crease in one of his work shirts once. She said she would never do it again. That was 30 years ago. To this day, mum has not ironed a single item of his clothing.

FinnyStory · 16/08/2020 08:17

If you've only recently moved in, move straight back out. This will only get worse and leaving will get harder/more complicated.

GoshHashana · 16/08/2020 08:18

Ugh. Get rid.

AgentProvocateur · 16/08/2020 08:18

Looks like he got himself a free housekeeper when you moved in...

FinnyStory · 16/08/2020 08:19

@AnytimeIsWineTime

What a totally ungrateful sh*it head! You do more than what I do that’s for sure! My dad pointed out that mum and made a double crease in one of his work shirts once. She said she would never do it again. That was 30 years ago. To this day, mum has not ironed a single item of his clothing.
Am I your mum? DH is ex Army and complained about the first shirt I ironed for him 28 years ago. I haven't ironed a shirt since, in fact he is responsible for all washing and ironing in this house, including mine.
pasturesgreen · 16/08/2020 08:21

Move out, OP. At least if you were his housekeeper you'd be paid.

He can start making his own bloody breakfast at 7am on a Saturday if he's so unappreciative.

therhubarbbrothers · 16/08/2020 08:21

Who owns the house ?

Orchidsindoors · 16/08/2020 08:21

Do you not work? He is treating you badly because he has no respect for you. Get a job and just do your share at home.

Raindancer411 · 16/08/2020 08:21

Do you have a job out of interest? I did this with my ex as I wasn't working and then he use to come home from work and head straight into his garage to tinker with his race car. I only ever saw him for meal times and at bed. I even got a hand set so I could contact him down the garage for dinner. I was lonely and then he use to go off on rallies over the world and didn't seem to give a fig about leaving me for weeks on end. He basically wanted a mum figure (she was very much a men work and women do the house work). This continued when I got a job too.

I am now married to a man with two kids who does more than his fair share around the house. Helps with the kids and is brilliant!! Don't hang around for 9 years like I did in a relationship where you are taken for granted.

BostonFernGreen · 16/08/2020 08:21

Do you work too OP? What other time commitments do you have? Do you both pay equal rent/mortgage?

If you really love him and you are committed to the relationship I think you'll have to teach him how to respect you. Getting up and tending to him unfortunately won't do that. You've tried it and he literally told you it's no big deal.

Next time he's at work I'd make plans to go elsewhere and only get home long after dinner time. Be nice about it but just don't be available to him.

If you both work and have any disposable income, I'd suggest hiring a cleaner at least once per week.

I'd also suggest putting a little money aside for a take away and not making any plans for dinner on another evening he's working. See if he's expecting you to have made dinner for him. If he is, you will be able to ask him why he expected that? And say no, you fancied getting yourself a take away. He's welcome to cook something for himself.

I would wash only my own clothes. Leave his in the basket. If he asks you to do it, that's one thing. If he expects it and then dismisses it, he does not respect your time.

I would also not clean or cook when he isn't around. Only do it in front of him so he knows exactly how much effort you are putting in.

I'd stay off my phone when he is at work. Give him chance to wonder what you are doing.

My guess would be that he is from a sexist household and expects these things. Whilst you probably felt you were showing your love it seems like he does not value those particular actions.

Keeva2017 · 16/08/2020 08:23

Get the hell out of there now! Seriously what a nasty guy. You’re on best behaviour when you first move in together so if this is the best he gets then leave now before you see the real him because it won’t be pretty.

SlowDown76mph · 16/08/2020 08:23

Why would you stay..? No brainer surely.

Shedpaint · 16/08/2020 08:24

Don’t do things in order to gain his approval

If you want your shared accommodation to look clean and have fresh sheets and a nice meal in then great crack on and have it so

But putting water in the fridge FOR HIM and HIS favourite desert and getting up to do breakfast when you don’t need to be up at the weekend FOR HIM is all seeking constant praise and thanks which this man won’t give you.

In some ways I see his point even if he was an arsehole about it. When I work weekends if I get in and DH has cleaned the house I don’t expect I need to instantly heap ok the praise.
Because I’m a decent person I would notice and say ooh you have been busy it looks lovely but I won’t thank him- it’s not my job he’s done for me it’s a shared responsibility as is earning the money to live on.

Your self worth sounds very low.
It’s lovely to treat a partner sometimes and little things done with love are really important to show we care but spending all day like a slave and mopping his brow and being his servant then feeling crestfallen when he is a shot about it suggests you need validation in an unhealthy way.

missrks · 16/08/2020 08:24

That's a seriously extreme reaction. Imagine you'd done nothing all day! 😂

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:25

Yes I also work full time. We both have pretty full on jobs

OP posts: