Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:36

Just to be clear, I didn’t do it to get “praise” I just didn’t expect him to come home and take that reaction.

It wasn’t until he made the comment about the bin that I told him what I had done all day. I was trying to make the comparison, that yes, I might not have taken the bin out but I have done pretty much everything else. Not looking for praise

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 16/08/2020 08:38

Well now you know it's expected and doesn't warrant any appreciation or even notice. He isn't prepared to lift a finger. Not one. And your work will be met with sarcasm and sneering.

Is this what you want? Because he's being very clear that this is what you'll be getting.

Personally, I'd move on. Having a partner who doesn't respect you will grind you down.

Lillygolightly · 16/08/2020 08:38

What you did for him today, don’t do that again for him EVER ok!

He has shown you both a lack of respect and appreciation! The RED FLAG being that you did all of that and he picked on the solitary thing you asked him to do! You know why??? So you don’t ask him again that’s why!

Unless you want the premise of your relationship being that you run around doing all the domestic chores and whatever else desperately trying to make him happy bending yourself over bloody backwards. He won’t say thanks of be appreciative, indeed the opposite he will just expect it because he is entitled and will see it as the least you can do/what your supposed to do.

This type of man is a bottomless pit, a chasm of take take take. You could cut off your right arm for him and the cheeky fucker would be disappointed because he expected the left one too! No matter what you do it will never be enough, and in fact the more you do and the nicer you are the meaner, nastier and more disrespectful he will get!! You will be run ragged, tired to your very bones in service of this man child.

Having been in a relationship just like the one I’ve described, with early warning signs and red flags as you’ve just described I would be running as far away from him a possible. I know that may seem an overreaction to you OP but honestly it’s not. Save yourself a lot of stress, misery and heartache and tell him to sling his hook!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/08/2020 08:39

Well there you go! You can be the very best housemaid, chief bottle washer and servant and he still won't be happy with you, you will always be lacking somewhere.

Now you know that;s how he sees you what do you want to do about it?

But it was enlightening to read the posts defending the man home from a hard day in the office. Have a second read of some of them... that's your life, writ plain. Is it what you want?

Oysterbabe · 16/08/2020 08:39

He does sound like a knob, but the note to empty the bin isn't a bit odd isn't it? You were there so wouldn't you just say
'can you do the bin? The outside one needs squashing down and I couldn't do it'
I think that when you pointed out the reason you wanted him to do it he didn't want to back down, even though he realised that was reasonable, so doubled down and picked a fight over it. Either way, he's a knob.

welcometohell · 16/08/2020 08:40

If you really love him and you are committed to the relationship I think you'll have to teach him how to respect you.

The bar is set so depressingly low for men in relationships. Why is it OP's job to teach an adult man how to treat her with respect? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

BurtsBeesKnees · 16/08/2020 08:40

I hope you accidentally threw his desert in the bin at the same time!

Tbh it also sounds like you thought you were doing 'him' a favour. Doing housework or cooking whilst the other is at work isn't 'for them' it's all part and parcel of living together.

But, and it's a big but, his sarcasm and lack of respect and just decent manners is staggering! Also his lack of empathy around you being upset is also a red flag. I'd think seriously if this is someone or something you want to continue with.

areyoubeingserviced · 16/08/2020 08:41

Op, I think that you were wrong sticking a note on the fridge . If you wanted him to do the bins, you could have simply asked him to when he returned home.
You sound a bit full on to me, wanting praise for cleaning the house . Did you even give him a chance to praise you?
If he is always unpleasant, then get rid of him, but I would want to know more about how he usually behaves before judging him

oakleaffy · 16/08/2020 08:42

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I don't think I would have gone off for a little cry. I would have gave him a piece of my mind.
''A little cry'' sounds so feeble! DON'T be passive aggressive..{Which is what ''little cries'' are}

Tell him in no uncertain terms what a selfish attitude he has, and good grief...''Getting him his favourite pudding?''...That is acting like a mum might to a toddler.

Don't be a Martyr to this man!

He is not noticing. and this isn't the 1950's.

Intelinside57 · 16/08/2020 08:43

Well, now you know who he is and how he plans to treat you for the rest of your life if you stay together. It's really your choice.

Original poster
Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:45

The housework has been a bit of a struggle juggling because of both our jobs. I can see why the note might not have came across well but it was more of a gentle reminder because I’m going back into work this morning and he would likely just forget that it needed done

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 16/08/2020 08:47

What grown man needs breakfast made for him? Hmm

Butchyrestingface · 16/08/2020 08:47

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

...His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

He's not just lazy. He's a really nasty, thankless bastard.

On the bright side, at least you've seen this side of him before having kids.

Was he a nice person whilst you were just dating?

Shiverywinterbottom · 16/08/2020 08:47

My DH said something once about something I hadn’t done, I can’t remember what exactly he said or what it was about.
I ended up putting mine and the kids clothes in the wash and left his in the washing basket. He’s not said it since 😁

Blackdog19 · 16/08/2020 08:48

I think this should have open your eyes to your future life- is this what you want?

Alittleodd · 16/08/2020 08:48

The reactions to the note are really interesting to me!

Everything gets put on a post it note in our house and stuck somewhere relevant to the task or utterly unavoidable (although it doesn't help when the note which reads "dog has been fed, don't believe his lies" which has been placed INSIDE HIS FOOD BOWL on the counter gets removed without being read and the little sod gets second dinner).

If my husband says to me "can you sort the washing" before he leaves for work I can guarantee that it won't get done. If there is a post it with "WASHING" on the machine it will get done. Likewise if (as in the OP) the bin needed emptying I'd leave a note.

UntamedWisteria · 16/08/2020 08:50

Stop doing anything for him.

See how long his attitude lasts then.

NoSquirrels · 16/08/2020 08:50

It sounds like something and nothing - the sort of conversation that could happen if someone’s had a bad day. I dunno. I’d probably feel a bit snappy about a note on the fridge giving me a job when I’d just come home from work. Then the rest could be over-sensitive stuff or he might be horrible, it’s really not possible to judge.

AlternativePerspective · 16/08/2020 08:50

If I was out and my partner had cleaned the house while I was out and I came back to a note on the fridge and the expectation of gratitude he would have got a lot harsher than “it’s not that hard,” from me. I would have told him to fuck off and that I wasn’t his personal servant to be commanded by a note, even if he had done the rest.

Seriously if a woman posted here that her DH expected gratitude for him cleaning the house, and instead of communicating, had left her a note asking for something to be done the OP would be told to tell him to do one at best, or to LTB at worst.

Clearly the two of you are unable to communicate, and it sounds as if he was rightly fed up at the way he has been treated. I would be.

Takingontheworld · 16/08/2020 08:50

A portal just opened up to show you your future! Open your eyes.

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2020 08:51

You work full time and you did all that on your day off?
On a day when you're working and he is not working, will he do even a fraction of that?

With a man like this you need to lower your standards or just not live together, preferably the latter tbh.

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2020 08:51

You do too much for him and he’s taking advantage, sorry but he sounds horrible and ungrateful, I would be telling him to shove it and walking out, it’s only going to get worse.

Sossen · 16/08/2020 08:53

Wow. I can count on both hands the amount of times I’ve ironed my dh’s clothes, and we’ve been together for almost 19 years. He might occasionally ask me to do a shirt for him when we go out which is twice a year if we are lucky, but that’s only because he’s rubbish at doing shirts, but he irons the rest of his clothes. My dh works full time and still gets stuck into helping me around the house at weekends. So yeah I’m not surprised you’re fuming. He’s being very unreasonable.

SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 16/08/2020 08:54

Well his contempt of you is clear and if I were you I'd be running fast.

IWantT0BreakFree · 16/08/2020 08:54

It doesn't sound like a very nice dynamic and tbh I don't think you're doing yourself any favours. If you both work full time then you both bear equal responsibility for the upkeep of the house. You sound almost subservient. I don't know. There's just a tone to this that seems way off. There are lots of ways of showing love and appreciation for a male partner that don't involve transforming yourself into a 50's housewife (not just doing all the cleaning but making his breakfast, doing his ironing etc). I think the kind of man who actually wants this level of servitude from his female partner is not the type to actually respect her or be grateful for her hard work, and that by doing these things you encourage them to view you as nothing more than a housekeeper. My husband would feel so uncomfortable with me doing his ironing and making his breakfast on a regular basis because I'm not his mother or his maid. We pitch in together. Perhaps if I knew he'd got a stressful week at work and I'd got a few days off, then I would do what you describe. And he would do it for me also in the same circumstances. Would your boyfriend do this for you? It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.