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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
terrimom · 18/08/2020 00:26

He sounds more abusive and demeaning than sexist. A lot of abusers hide behind "I was raised to expect women to do all the housework." That's fine as long as your time and your work are respected and appreciated. As long as he openly praises you and does his share of chores as well. He sounds a long way off from this and his comments are a direct put down of you and what you did for him. I spent years trying to please an verbally abusive and demeaning twat and am still working on rebuilding my self esteem 15 years later, even after successfully raising the 3 kids on my own. Dump him, you deserve better!

VodselForDinner · 18/08/2020 00:36

OP, I cringed so hard reading your list. Please stop making such a fool of yourself.

AllsortsofAwkward · 18/08/2020 00:45

Op 1950s called, you work full time stop doing all the housework.

Sissyjd · 18/08/2020 01:17

Red flag OP. Run for the hills, hes an entilted twat!!

Bodynegative · 18/08/2020 01:30

Run for the hills while you still can!

user1474010515 · 18/08/2020 07:36

If you need to ask, you already know the answer. He's an ass now and in ten years from now he will still be an ass and you will be a miserable shell of your former self. Lift your stuff and run like the devil's chasing you. There are millions of men on the planet. This one is defective. Get out.

honeybee88 · 18/08/2020 08:12

Run while you still can.

CorianderLord · 18/08/2020 09:10

He was a rude arse. It's only a bin it would've taken 5 minutes.

Equally, stop dancing around like a wrap all attendant because you want him to be pleased with you. That's how you wind up married with a bloke who expects you to do everything.

I'd have shouted the fuck back at the rude bastard. We all work - taking a bin out does not disrupt your 'rest'.

Hillary4 · 18/08/2020 09:11

Wow, you're a def keeper, can l have your phone number! Head up, move out and move on, he ain't worth it

Merryweather80 · 18/08/2020 09:26

It sounds like he's not been housebroken.
Is this his first serious relationship where he's lived with someone? If so, your the one before ’the one’. You'll be the one trying to get him to do his share if the chores, but he won't. It's like your breaking him into an adult relationship. Eventually, you'll walk away - fed up and frustrated because he won't help. The next relationship he has he will ’get it’ and understand what is required of him in an adult relationship.
Walk away - let someone else do the hard work with him. Save yourself the effort and heartache.

nostaples · 18/08/2020 09:44

I do think the value some women attach to housework makes them vulnerable though.

If you have a more fulfilling life, I think you notice this stuff much less.

Men are brought up not to notice or value this stuff or attach value to it.

I think women should be more like that and pragmatic about it.

Doing or appreciating housework is not the way to express love.

This is a classic gender miscommunication. He wouldn't 'get' while you are hurt.

To be honest, I don't really either because I have a much more pragmatic attitude to housework.

The worst thing is to do it resentfully or asking for appreciation. Men are unlikely to appreciate it because they're not brought up to.

ilikemethewayiam · 18/08/2020 10:12

Sorry haven’t RTFT but I read the OP and thought maybe you were trying to be fair, as in he earned the income so you did your share by doing the house work but then you said you worked FULL TIME! Why the hell did you do all that? Let this be a lesson to you. Men do NOT appreciate women doing the housework. They take is for granted. It becomes the least they expect. Set his expectations right now by stop doing it. I learned this the hard way just as you have done. I would never start out that way again. I would set expectations from the get go. He was ungrateful at best but in my view he was nasty. Either re-set this now or walk away.

Tooshytoshine · 18/08/2020 10:13

He sounds like he was hot and tired. You wanted him to notice but he instead felt put upon as he read the note first. You need to divide up the house work so it doesn't take an epic day of cleaning and so much emotional investment.

I don't understand why you can't take out the bin. We are a lesbian couple and manage it weekly...

Let it go, we can all be dicks sometimes.

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/08/2020 10:18

I agree Nostaples.

Re the note about the bin. You say this is his house that you moved into, so presumably he is used to putting the bins out himself? If I were him, I would have found the post-it note patronising and annoying.

I don't know why so many posters are acting like he expects you to do all the housework? He only asked you to water the garden, which is a fair enough request on a hot day. The comment about don't you know how to empty a bin doesn't, in my eyes, mean he expects her to do it, it is just a reaction to the note.

The it's not that hard comment wasn't very nice, but again, maybe he was wound up by the note? I'm not saying he should have said it btw, just trying to see how it might have come about.

Anyway, none of that matters if at the end of the day you are not compatible to live together. You obviously have different cleaning standards so either you decide to lower your standards, he decides to raise his, you get a cleaner, or you live apart.

Oaktree7 · 18/08/2020 11:37

The thing is... its not attractive being mothered.

chickenyhead · 18/08/2020 11:53

The thing is...being attractive to a misogynistic twassock isn't really the point

jentinquarantino20 · 18/08/2020 12:06

I worked 40 hours a week heavily pregnant and running a house alone. Who actually does he think he is?

threatmatrix · 18/08/2020 12:11

Run as fast as you can. It will only get worse.

RoseLillian · 18/08/2020 12:52

Op have you had time to sit down and discuss it since? I think this is important. If I had had a bad day at work and come back to find a note from DH asking me to do something when he had been off all day he might not have got the best reaction. However if I then realised he had done all that you had, I would have apologised. I think it all depends on if this is the way he normally speaks to you or if he was just having a bad day.

As for the amount of housework you do, it sounds like he isn’t expecting you to do it. It’s more he doesn’t hold the same standards and is quite happy to live in his own filth. In which case you’re going to be hard pushed to get him to do his fair share of something he doesn’t feel needs doing.

I really do feel you need to sit down and discuss this. For example, pointing out if you don’t clean the bathroom it doesn’t get done. If he really doesn’t want to clean it then he needs to take on another job. For me this would be a deal breaker if he can’t do his fair share. If it is for you then you need to make it clear to him now. It is then up to him.

Obviously if you both have the money you could suggest a cleaner, but he has to pay his share.

Please stop doing extras for him until you have worked out a fair way to share the chores. Don’t get up and make his breakfast. Don’t wash and iron his clothes. He is capable of doing these things himself.

Taneve · 18/08/2020 13:05

@ThinkWittyThoughts well put! I think you advised @Whathastheworldbecome with great diplomacy. @Whathastheworldbecome please.....please think about moving it will only get worse. Also has he apologised yet??? @Whathastheworldbecome

Susan1961 · 18/08/2020 13:59

She's moved in.

sue20 · 18/08/2020 14:19

Move out and dump him. Sorry, but as many are saying on here, it doesn't get better and it becomes increasingly difficult to leave as you create shared history. But also, why on earth did you spend your day servicing his needs? That only goes one place. Get your life, yours, asap!!

skodadoda · 18/08/2020 16:25

OP, it looks as though you believe that it’s your responsibility to make P’s life comfortable and that it isn’t equally his responsibility to you. If you think that what you’re doing is ok then there’s little point coming on here. He will not change and if you children it’s likely to get worse. What he said to you is abusive.

Scoobydoobydo · 18/08/2020 17:25

Living with someone new takes adjustments.
Give it time
Stop looking for praise
Stop trying to be the perfect 50’s housewife
Stop being his Mother

Cloudfrost · 18/08/2020 17:26

I voted YABU purely cause you are being unreasonable to do everything for him when he can't even do one simple task! U are his partner not his mother, he needs to grow the fuck up