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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/08/2020 17:29

If you've only recently moved in, move straight back out. This will only get worse and leaving will get harder/more complicated.

Absolutely
Sod having a 'little cry' - I'd have been packing.

FelicisNox · 18/08/2020 20:58

It's a red flag from where I'm standing, I would be straight out of there ASAP because it won't improve from here on in.

Celestine70 · 18/08/2020 22:05

He sounds horrible and it doesn't bode well for the future. I think you need to really consider if you want to live with someone like this. Also, this isn't the 1950's.

Happygirl79 · 19/08/2020 07:49

Why do you want his approval?

Happygirl79 · 19/08/2020 07:49

You must have low self esteem issues?

Vaquita5 · 19/08/2020 12:33

Too many pages to read them all, but I find it odd that you would leave a note for him asking him to do something - unless you were going out & thought he wouldn't notice it needed doing.
Also odd that he only asked you to water the lawn - the rest was your choice - but you seem to want thanks/kudos for doing it.
If you are both working FT you need to sort who does what. IMNSHO 😉

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/08/2020 12:53

Hi OP, in your original post he claims that he does housework all the time, yet later on you tell us about the state of his bathroom and how he doesn’t clean it. In trying to be nice you are at risk of appearing to him like his mother which will reduce him to childlike behaviour towards you and finding you unattractive in the long run (no one wants to shag their mum). Please nip this in the bud now as he is very disrespectful to you and don’t bother crying as he has no sympathy for that. A previous post suggested drawing up a list of who does what and this could help. The second he ignores it, leave - as he really needs to learn to respect you if he wants you around. I would honestly leave now (if only as a temporary measure) as you need to be assertive here and show him you have standards that he has to meet. He won’t bother to change otherwise. A threat to leave probably won’t work, you would need to carry it out. You don’t want to be in the same situation in 2 months time, never mind a year. Please let us know how you get on.

pinkflamingo112 · 19/08/2020 14:24

er.....mmm....lets just say & im generalising i know but this is how it can be years down the line not when its new!! so i would see this as a sign & leave this little man to do his not so hard chores himself & he can eat his favourite dessert on his own as he's going to be lonely if he acts like this!!

Skyla2005 · 19/08/2020 15:25

Ungrateful bastard. Is he pAying you to be his housekeeper

Mumsn0t · 20/08/2020 12:41

I think now is the time to move out. From my own experience I honestly don't think it will get any easier.
My life with Dp and his not very helpful mentality is slightly easier but only because I fully accept that we will never be singing from the same hymn sheet (and therefore have compromised massively) and he has made very small improvements over the years.

It's taken us nearly 20 years of living together to reach this level of apathy.

HellonHeels · 20/08/2020 16:40

@chickenyhead

The thing is...being attractive to a misogynistic twassock isn't really the point
This!
susanechurch · 22/08/2020 23:42

It is time for him to move out of the house and out of your life.

Jux · 24/08/2020 16:53

Well, he's got what he wants, hasn't he? A woman who is a proper WIFE.

Washing
Ironing
Fucking
Everything else

And she works FT so she has money too!

newmum2999 · 24/08/2020 16:55

Surely this is a wind up?

YouJustDoYou · 24/08/2020 17:04

Op, I get where you're coming from. You came from a good place and tried to make things nice for someone you care about for an evening. And he ended up totally not giving a shit.

I would move straight back out. You don't need that.

YukoandHiro · 24/08/2020 17:13

100 per cent pay a cleaner and get this issue out of your relationship. He's either someone who cares about the house or he's not. If he has other redeeming features get a cleaner. If you have any other reasons for concern, there are any other red flags, get out now

Warsawa31 · 24/08/2020 17:16

Why do people say "move out now" maybe he had a really shit day? No one is reasonable all the time - warning signs are if he is always like this and doesn't apologise Later today.
It was a shorty thing to do - he should recognise that - if he doesn't that's when the problems occur.

Best of luck

BatShite · 24/08/2020 17:24

Sounds like a dick.

I would seriously think about ending this, especially while there are no 'ties' as such, ending bad relationships is obviously much easier when theres no kids involved.

'Get a cleaner' is a decent option too if possible financially, but this won't solve the problem as such if the actual problem is he just expects you to be his maid, and do what he wants (man runs the house! type shite), as it will just move to other areas of life. Its the entitled attitude thats the issue, not the cleaning as such..

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