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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Notredamn · 16/08/2020 09:22

Doing housework and cooking is normal, I do all that every day. Although I wouldn't do a man's ironing and wouldn't necessarily fix him breakfast unless it was something we took in turns.

Sticking a note on the fridge though? I wouldn't be happy if I came home and my partner had stuck a note on the fridge rather than just mentioning it to me instead. Don't communicate with me through post it notes!

VivaMiltonKeynes · 16/08/2020 09:22

His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing

You see this is what men usually do - report back on what they have done and it is really irritating .....

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 16/08/2020 09:24

Am I missing something?
Why are people going on about her being the live in help etc etc, it sounds like she doesn't normally do her bit. Does something for one day and wants a certificate of achievement?

SueEllenMishke · 16/08/2020 09:24

Well he's got himself a nice little housekeeper hasn't he?

justdontgothere · 16/08/2020 09:24

Everyone saying to leave... Really?! 😂 Unless there is a regular pattern of servitude going on, then that's insanely extreme!

I have to say, I hate it when my OH point scores with doing chores around the house. Yes, you've done loads and yes, it would be nice to have it recognised, but don't make a martyr of yourself by doing it. If he does do his fair share of house work (as your OP suggests) then I don't really know what the big deal is... Do you applaud him when he does it?

OK, the bin thing is annoying, but it really doesn't seem worth crying in the bath over.

missingmum · 16/08/2020 09:25

I kind of think just leaving a note was a bit silly, just ask him and explain why when he comes in. Notes stuck on fridges seems uncalled for unless the bin men were coming and you wouldn't be seeing him.

I'm sure he didn't come in and go round doing a home inspection to see what you've been doing all day.

Non issue and I'd certainly not cry over it!

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 09:27

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time. Thanks guys 😊

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/08/2020 09:27

Am I missing something?
Why are people going on about her being the live in help etc etc, it sounds like she doesn't normally do her bit. Does something for one day and wants a certificate of achievement? Yes, you are. RTFT, maybe!

Notredamn · 16/08/2020 09:27

What is all this nonsense about him being 'thankless' and 'ungrateful'?
We hear all the time about men who clean up and wash up for their wives and how ridiculous that is! Because NO, they are just adulting and cleaning up their own homes. It's not a 'treat' for the other person.
How is this different?
You got some shit done, OP. Well done. You were looking for some praise so there you are.

Lolapusht · 16/08/2020 09:28

If he does housework all the time, why is there hair all over the place and mould on the ceiling?! He is not going to change and it sounds like he expects you to do the housework because you’re a woman. Can’t stand people who will happily criticise something that they don’t do themselves! This is what your life is going to be like. Do you want to do all/most of the houseawork while working full time and getting no help, just scorn if you ask him to do something?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 09:31

Congrats on willingly putting yourself into a housekeeper position rather than coming up with how to share it properly.

And kudos on rewarding his lack of sharing household stuff with fave pudding and brekkie.

Treacletoots · 16/08/2020 09:32

I've said YABU because I can't understand for the life of me why you want to live in the 1950s and on top, expect praise for doing basic adulting.

Household chores should be split 50/50 unless there's a bloody good reason not to. But the way he responded to your simple request was out of order and it will only get worse from here.

If you allow your DP to believe you're responsible for these jobs he will of course take it for granted. Don't make a rod for your own back.

IWantT0BreakFree · 16/08/2020 09:32

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.

Think about the average home of our childhoods where mum does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc. Did her teenage children appreciate everything she did for them? Were they grateful that her hard work allowed them to focus on school and hobbies? Or did they just expect her to do all this stuff because she always did it. Did they think "Oh mum is so wonderful for doing all this work every day to make our lives easier" or did they just toss their dirty pants on the bathroom floor and think "mum'll tidy those up"?

He's never going to respect the things you do. Unless you want this to be your life, get out now and find someone who can be an equal partner.

Am I missing something?
Why are people going on about her being the live in help etc etc, it sounds like she doesn't normally do her bit. Does something for one day and wants a certificate of achievement?

Yes, you are missing OP's last update for a start. And appear to have invented the part about her not normally doing her bit.

SoulofanAggron · 16/08/2020 09:32

I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day. His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

YANBU -WTAF?????? You do him a favour and his response wasn't 'ta very much' but saying the favour you did wasn't big enough?

He is taking you for granted.

QuacksInTheDark · 16/08/2020 09:33

Fuck that noise. Bin him off.

Hercwasonaroll · 16/08/2020 09:35

Your communication isn't the issue.

Him being a dickhead is.

fascinated · 16/08/2020 09:37

It’s only when you move in together that you see the real person!

fascinated · 16/08/2020 09:37

Be glad you have no kids and leave.

ravensoaponarope · 16/08/2020 09:38

well, he didn't ask you or want you to do it, presumably?

OpenDoor008 · 16/08/2020 09:39

Oh dear. Not a good start is it. However - I would say you're making a bit of a rod for your own back by trying to do too much. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be over-accommodating otherwise that sets the precedent for his future expectations.

I get you though, you just wanted to make it nice and you were excited about moving in together. Just be aware from hereon in how much you're prepared to do round the house - and of course, call him out on his attitude. Make him aware that he was an unappreciative git and that he made you feel crap.

Remember you deserve to enjoy this period of time as well. Don't make the same mistake again.

wildcherries · 16/08/2020 09:40

Stop being his skivvy. Sorry he's such a shit. But I'd just stop catering to him.

These threads (far too many) are so depressing!

Arrivederla · 16/08/2020 09:41

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Congrats on willingly putting yourself into a housekeeper position rather than coming up with how to share it properly.

And kudos on rewarding his lack of sharing household stuff with fave pudding and brekkie.

This.

You really are making a rod for your own back here op.

kittenpeak · 16/08/2020 09:42

Did he live on his own before you? Have you moved into his place? Your place? New place?

I think this context helps. If his place, maybe he's just not used to it being tidy. If your place, maybe he doesn't know your routine. If a new place, it's time to set some rules about how to run the he.

His remarks were not kind, but if he is someone who doesn't normally keep a place tidy, perhaps he doesn't understand the effort which goes into it. It sounds like this is the first time this has happened (correct me if I'm wrong!) so I wouldn't go in all guns blazing just yet, just explain to him you've spent hours and hours cleaning on your day off (considering you work FT too) and you chose not to go out and have fun / see friends because you wanted to make a nice home for him. Explain how hard it is, how long it takes, and that his reaction has upset you and you feel under appreciated. If he still is acting like a cock, then as PP have said, these are red flags and you need to get the F our.

But talk to him first, he just may not realise how hard you've worked

HouchinBawbags · 16/08/2020 09:43

Tbh it also sounds like you thought you were doing 'him' a favour. Doing housework or cooking whilst the other is at work isn't 'for them' it's all part and parcel of living together.

Disagree. The chores should be split equally. The fact that she did his half of the work for him (and she works full time too!) is very much doing him a favour. I highly doubt he would do the same for her, right OP?

My DH works. I'm a SAHM with school age kids. I still don't do all of the housework. I can't get a job because DH's job (which he loves and I support), has weird shifts and I'd never find a job to fit. He knows this and understands. Neither of us want to pay childcare for 3 kids knowing it'd only be needed once in a while.

Despite him working and me not, if one of us starts doing the kitchen bin the other will hold it down and then put a new bag in while they go put it outside. If I start stripping beds, DH grabs new sheets and we change them together making it a simple minute long job. If DH comes home to a spotless house one day he does notice and whilst I wouldn't use the term grateful, he certainly is chuffed and says something nice to me. But because he pulls his weight he knows that that housework is work and takes effort.
I do cook all the meals though. I love to cook and DH would act like he couldn't boil an egg.

@Whathastheworldbecome you have a few choices here.
a) Leave. He has shown his true colours and this is where your life is going.
b) Stay and stand your ground and make him start doing his share (unlikely seeing that he's too stupid/lazy to put an extractor on when showering and would rather live in mould
or c) do only your half and live in a filthy house.

C is possible only if the non cleaning and cooking affects him enough to make him change his ways. If you think it might work then that's the road I'd choose.

Either way, good luck. And for fuck's sake DO NOT have children with this man before real change happens. They won't fix a thing. In fact they'll only tie you to a life you don't deserve.

CharityDingle · 16/08/2020 09:45

@Whathastheworldbecome

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time. Thanks guys 😊
Please, OP, don't let this be what you take from the thread. Personally, I would move back out.

But that's a choice only you can make. I certainly would drop a lot of the stuff you are doing, and both of you look at how it can be a shared workload, from now on.

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