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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
Palavah · 16/08/2020 09:48

You were doing it all before you moved in?

You have mismatched ideas about what needs to be done in the house, so he's not going to appreciate it when you do more.
You've set a pattern that you do this 'extra,' in his eyes, so he's never going to appreciate it being something that needs to be done.
His reaction when you got upset was really shitty.

I'd move back out again. Both chipping in for a cleaner won't address his attitude. B

allfalldown47 · 16/08/2020 09:48

Op does he iron your clothes, make you breakfast etc when he's off but you're at work?
If you both work full time, it doesn't sound like you split the chores fairly at all!!

Don't have dc with this man, I say that from bitter experience. His behaviour now is a clear warning, please don't ignore it op.

CallmeAngelina · 16/08/2020 09:51

I'm afraid that if you want to continue this relationship you will need to "train" him. By that, I mean that you need to chuck your toys out of the pram on this one (however you choose to do that) and make such a reaction that he knows never to under-appreciate you again.
People treat you how you teach them to. Or give them permission to. Get this sorted now.

AnotherEmma · 16/08/2020 09:51

@Whathastheworldbecome

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.
And you thought it was a good idea to move in together because...???
stayathomer · 16/08/2020 09:52

I think it would be more the comments for me, you did something lovely and he said yeah because that's so hard. You've only just moved in, is there no honeymoon period at all? If it were me I'd just be watching it

Bumbrella · 16/08/2020 09:54

Why are you doing it?

Stop being his mummy and a martyr.

He’s taking advantage of you and you’re being an easy target.

Expect more of the same if you have kids.

CasuallyMasculine · 16/08/2020 09:54

He has his own bathroom? That he doesn’t clean so you do?

Do you have your own bathroom, OP?

Seriously, if you think this is all your fault because you need to “communicate better”, you need some counselling to help you value yourself more and be less of a doormat.

MaskingForIt · 16/08/2020 09:54

@Whathastheworldbecome Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend. And get some self-esteem.

Viviennemary · 16/08/2020 09:55

You do far too much for him and it's not appreciated. But why leave a note on the fridge. Couldn't you just have asked him. Do you work?

CasuallyMasculine · 16/08/2020 09:56

And at the risk of sounding way too crude for a Sunday morning, even if he’s hung like a donkey, the fact he’s happy to live like a pig would make him a very unattractive person to be around.

You can do better, OP.

CasuallyMasculine · 16/08/2020 09:56

@Viviennemary

You do far too much for him and it's not appreciated. But why leave a note on the fridge. Couldn't you just have asked him. Do you work?
RTFT

They both work full-time in demanding jobs.

Tistheseason17 · 16/08/2020 09:58

YANBU.
Bt, you do need to sit him down and talk about the expectation of who does what. My DH puts washing on/hangs it out and it's my job to fold and put it away. DH hoovers and dusts and I clean the bathroom and toilets. I sort the kids' food, clothes, hair and he does the garden. We have a balance that we both accept as we both work FT. No resentment. I do not do any ironing, let alone his!

I diny think you wre looking for praise- he just reacted like an arse to one request for help. BUT,I it's how he spoke to you that's unpleasant - no respect. Personally, I'd ditch someone who has a filthy bathroom and never cleans as you'll end up doing it because he won't! That's not a nice life for the next 50+ yrs

Viviennemary · 16/08/2020 09:58

Yes. I should have read the thread and I see that the OP does indeed work full-time. I apologise.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 16/08/2020 09:59

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend. And get some self-esteem

This!

Oh and LTB!

SueEllenMishke · 16/08/2020 09:59

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend
Or just don't be a mug?

bibbitybobbitycats · 16/08/2020 10:01

Now you have updated about the bathroom...I would get the hell out unless you want to spend the rest of your life nagging and cajoling a grown man to keep his house in a fit state.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2020 10:02

I don’t understand why you’re running around after him like he’s some sort of god, making his breakfast ironing his clothes, putting water in the fridge, buying his favourite dessert. Honestly that sort of subservience would put me right off someone and make me loose respect for them. There is doing stuff for your partner and then there is treating them like some form of god and you’re the surrendered wife.

I also don’t understand why you can’t compact the bin yourself, do you have a physical limitation? Personally I’d have sorted the bin before I got up when I didn’t need to to make my husband breakfast and iron his shirts.

LadyCatStark · 16/08/2020 10:03

You’ve only just moved in with him: stop doing everything for him! Definitely don’t clean his bathroom, make his breakfast or do his ironing. You’re setting yourself up for a life time of housekeeping for him.

Trust me, I did everything for DH as a giddy 20 year old living away from home for the first time. Now he just expects me to do it all and it’s really hard to say no once a routine has been established.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 16/08/2020 10:05

[quote MaskingForIt]**@Whathastheworldbecome* Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.*

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend. And get some self-esteem.[/quote]
I am a wife and I still wouldn’t be doing all of this so my husband didn’t have to lift a finger. Hmm

Crossfitwidow · 16/08/2020 10:06

Fuck that. Clean the house for YOU, he’s a grown man he can look after himself.

user1493494961 · 16/08/2020 10:07

Make arrangements to move out pretty quickly.

VettiyaIruken · 16/08/2020 10:10

Having read your later post where you confirm he is indeed a slob, if you have any sense at all you will move back out.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/08/2020 10:10

Don’t be a wife to a boyfriend.

😂😂😂 Wife doesn't equal a domestic servant

Household stuff should be always split fairly. If one doesn't work, they should do majority (not all though), if both work the same, half and half etc.

BertiesLanding · 16/08/2020 10:11

@Whathastheworldbecome

Ok, I’ll try communicating better next time. Thanks guys 😊
Good god, woman. No! Please no. Why are you taking any responsibility for this?
choli · 16/08/2020 10:12

@Palavah

Did you move in with him on a live-in housekeeper arrangement, ie you're salaried?

If not why did you do all of those things?

It's pretty common for women to do this over the top "look at what a door mat I am" thing when they first move in with a man. Sadly it sets the tone for the rest of the relationship.
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