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AIBU?

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Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 16/08/2020 08:26

What a rude man! Nasty sarcasm like that show he thinks you are there to be insulted. Don't be (there, I mean)

He may be 'dear' to you, you plainly aren't 'dear' to him.

At least you have found out his true colours quickly.

LovingLola · 16/08/2020 08:26

Move out again.
Consider if this is the way you want your relationship to be.
Don’t get pregnant.

thecognoscenti · 16/08/2020 08:26

What an arsehole.

Alittleodd · 16/08/2020 08:26

@FinnyStory my husband is also Ex Army and I do not TOUCH his ironing. I won't do it right and also I hate it. He does all the ironing but is not allowed to use the washing machine or drier because despite insisting he uses the same settings as me somehow my clothes only ever end up ruined when he presses the buttons.

My mum once broke up with a semi-serious boyfriend because he insisted that she should iron his shirts because he was busy watching TV. She was not impressed. That was a fun Xmas Eve.

chatterbugmegastar · 16/08/2020 08:27

There is nothing worse than unkindness. Get rid of him

Fatted · 16/08/2020 08:28

You've learned your lesson OP. He's an ungrateful arse. You know not to bother doing any of it again in future.

I would be really petty and do absolutely nothing except put the bin out. Then when he complains you can say 'Yes dear but I put the bin out.....'

AnaadiNitya · 16/08/2020 08:28

OP don’t be so desperate to please a man. Your trying to show him how amazing you would be as a wife and he’s just shown you what a complete cock he would be as a husband.

pictish · 16/08/2020 08:29

Did he hawk you to do all the stuff you listed? Was it expected of you?

pictish · 16/08/2020 08:29

*ask you

cameocat · 16/08/2020 08:30

I don't really understand why you're doing all these things 'for him'. I clean the house for myself / us etc and it has to be done on a day off. I don't expect gratitude but do expect rest of family to pull their weight; it is rarely on the same day. I wouldn't have left a note about the rubbish, simply not done it. If he really does lots around the house that is equal I can see his point of view but if that's not true then he's got you wrapped round his little finger doing everything for him.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/08/2020 08:30

Regardless of what’s fair, he sounds really unpleasant. Unless there is an explanation and apology he is not nice enough to be with.

TheyThoughtItWasAllOver · 16/08/2020 08:30

Another voice of experience here to tell you there's better for you out there.
You could spend years feeling undervalued (before the relationship ends anyway) or you could value yourself now and end the relationship.

FinnyStory · 16/08/2020 08:30

It is appalling behaviour but isn't it also a bit odd to have left a note about bins for someone you've sent the day preparing to welcome home? Also, you did all that but couldn't deal with the bins? I'm not saying for a minute you should have but you do seem to have done all the "pink" jobs and left that one blue one.

He sounds awful and you should stop/leave but you also need to have a look at why you've done what you did OP. There's some deep seated stuff there IMO.

pictish · 16/08/2020 08:30

You thought he’d be chuffed with the work you’d done?
Why? Is he running a wife trial?

WaltzingBetty · 16/08/2020 08:30

You did all the housework - that's your choice.

From his point of view he was at work all day, gets home goes to the fridge wanting a snack and to relax and is immediately confronted with a note asking him to put the bin out (why couldn't you just speak to him?!?) then regaled with a monologue on everything you've done today as 'justification' for the note.

It sounds exhausting. You aren't a performing seal - if you want to do things around the house that's up to you, but it would probably have been nicer if you'd let him chill out after work for a bit and then just asked him about the bin.

Pobblebonk · 16/08/2020 08:31

Well, as he doesn't value you acting as his slave, stop doing it. Make it clear that living together is only going to work if it's an equal partnership. If he isn't going to pull his weight, it will become obvious quite soon. I hope that you have a Plan B and can move out quickly if necessary.

JammyGem · 16/08/2020 08:31

Well at least you have found out early on that living together doesn't work for you. You could either split up with him (which from his arsehole behaviour would get my vote) or move out and continue the relationship, knowing living together is off the table.

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2020 08:32

Well now you know what he's really like and what your life will be.

Get out now

viques · 16/08/2020 08:33

Maybe next time you have sex you can comment on his skill set.

"Is that all? Blimey, surely it's not difficult is it? Do you honestly not know how to do it? I would have thought most men of your age would have picked up some basic techniques by now......"

eggerhunter · 16/08/2020 08:33

Sorry but you sound a bit wet spending all day doing all these things to get praise. It’s child like. He was rude but then again maybe he’s getting fed up with kind of needy behaviour if it’s not the first time. I know I would be
Stop creeping and just get on with life doing nice things when you feel like it and not to get rewards
If he’s nice in every other way then you can make this work

Nanny0gg · 16/08/2020 08:34

oh. And you don't sound 'livid'

If you were he'd have been wearing his favourite dessert plus the contents of the bin

ILikeGlitter · 16/08/2020 08:34

I would be livid too.

Reedwarbler · 16/08/2020 08:34

Why are you doing all this for him? Why should any able bodied adult expect another to act like his personal housekeeper and valet? What hold has he got over you that makes it neccessary for you to mummy him like this? This really doesn't sound like an equal loving relationship between two adults, more like employer and employee.(Or something out of the 1950's and you are the little downtrodden women at home doing 'wommen's work')
He sounds like a dick and you sound like you need to work on your self esteem.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 16/08/2020 08:36

What a prick. The longer you put up with this, the less you will respect yourself.

Happynow001 · 16/08/2020 08:36

How foolish if him - he's shown you his true colours far too early and, if you have any sense of self-preservation, you'll move straight out again.

I'm hoping you don't have children with nor pregnant with his child so moving out will be less complicated.

This man is rude and ungrateful and doesn't deserve someone as thoughtful and caring in his life as you sound.

Value yourself higher than he seems to, OP. 🌹

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