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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Absolutely livid

468 replies

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 08:09

My dp (3 years) went to work yesterday. We have only recently moved in together.

Before he went to work I got up with him at 7am and made him breakfast. While he was out I cleaned the house, hovered, mopped, dusted, walked the dog, cleaned the bedroom, cleaned the ensuite and the main bathroom and put fresh bedding on. I watered the lawn for him at his request. I ironed him clothes for work and made a slow cooker dinner. I also did a food shop. I worked all day trying to get the place in decent order so when he came home he wouldn’t have to do anything, he could just put his feet up.

I put one note on the fridge asking him to empty the kitchen bin. The reason I didn’t do it is because the outside bin needs compacted down, otherwise I’d have done it myself.

He comes home and goes straight to the fridge, looks at the note and states “do you not know how to empty a bin?” It wasn’t said with any sarcasm. He was being serious.

I was completely taken a back, I thought he’d be chuffed with all the work I’d done. I told him what I’d done all day and why I hadn’t emptied the bin. I then opened the fridge told him I’d gotten his favourite dessert in and I’d put water in the fridge for him as it was such a hot day.

His response was “yeah because that was really hard to do.”

I ended up taking the rubbish out myself and went for a bath and had a little cry. His response to this was to tell me he does housework all the time and doesn’t cast up about it which is what he felt I was doing. I just feel like crap today and has really put me off living with him.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 16/08/2020 08:55

I would thank him- for showing his true colours so early on and giving you the opportunity to move straight back out.

Fuck him, he can do his own housework from now on, unappreciative twat.

footprintsintheslow · 16/08/2020 08:55

Don't start a relationship with the whole1950's housewife routine. Start as you mean to go on. Equal division of chores. Get it sorted ASAP

doityourselfnow · 16/08/2020 08:55

TBH I'm not happy when my cleaner leaves stuff that needs doing, I mean I pay her to clean and her leaving me a note to say she hasn't done x or y really winds me up. I'd also say "do it, it's your job".She does then do it.

Oh hang on, you're not the hired help your his equal partner....... your OP was confusing!

Stop acting like the hired help, stop making his breakfast, ironing his clothes, cleaning his home.

It's not difficult to do housework, no matter what your working hours, you're being a doormat, stop now or accept your going to have a life where you do everything and he sits with his feet up.

footprintsintheslow · 16/08/2020 08:57

Or get a cleaner and ironer that you jointly pay for.

bibbitybobbitycats · 16/08/2020 08:58

@BostonFernGreen

Do you work too OP? What other time commitments do you have? Do you both pay equal rent/mortgage?

If you really love him and you are committed to the relationship I think you'll have to teach him how to respect you. Getting up and tending to him unfortunately won't do that. You've tried it and he literally told you it's no big deal.

Next time he's at work I'd make plans to go elsewhere and only get home long after dinner time. Be nice about it but just don't be available to him.

If you both work and have any disposable income, I'd suggest hiring a cleaner at least once per week.

I'd also suggest putting a little money aside for a take away and not making any plans for dinner on another evening he's working. See if he's expecting you to have made dinner for him. If he is, you will be able to ask him why he expected that? And say no, you fancied getting yourself a take away. He's welcome to cook something for himself.

I would wash only my own clothes. Leave his in the basket. If he asks you to do it, that's one thing. If he expects it and then dismisses it, he does not respect your time.

I would also not clean or cook when he isn't around. Only do it in front of him so he knows exactly how much effort you are putting in.

I'd stay off my phone when he is at work. Give him chance to wonder what you are doing.

My guess would be that he is from a sexist household and expects these things. Whilst you probably felt you were showing your love it seems like he does not value those particular actions.

Alternatively, if you have to play these games to make a man "respect" you, leave. He's not worth the time.

OP, I would see how things go. This is just a silly tiff, but it could be indicative of him being a knob that you'll decide you don't want to be with. But for god's sake don't spend your days off doing everything for him like this. Men (most men) just take it for granted.

Gladiffer · 16/08/2020 08:59

Why are you making his breakfast and ironing for him? Seriously, stop doing those things and then organise a fair system where no one feels put upon or unappreciated.

Doodar · 16/08/2020 09:00

Very unkind, bin him.
If not get a cleaner twice a week.

minnieok · 16/08/2020 09:00

If you work full time I also would be livid. That said I wouldn't put a note on the fridge, I would ask. I spent Friday cleaning but I'm still not working many hours so it's fair

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 16/08/2020 09:02

Oh, so you’re his live in cleaner. I’m surprised he doesn’t ask you to wipe his arse too. Think long and hard about your future with him, if you’re content with a life of running around and picking up after a man child who can’t do one household chore then stay. If not, leave. He will never change. His first thought was to speak to you like shit, to put you down and belittle everything you did for him. He is not a man you should be spending time with.

AriettyHomily · 16/08/2020 09:05

Why did you leave a note on the fridge sounds very PA.

Apart from that he sounds like a dick.

piscean10 · 16/08/2020 09:06

He shouldnt have been so rude but I understand his reaction.
He does all that anyway so he is baffled as to why you needed some praise.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 09:06

@WaltzingBetty

You did all the housework - that's your choice.

From his point of view he was at work all day, gets home goes to the fridge wanting a snack and to relax and is immediately confronted with a note asking him to put the bin out (why couldn't you just speak to him?!?) then regaled with a monologue on everything you've done today as 'justification' for the note.

It sounds exhausting. You aren't a performing seal - if you want to do things around the house that's up to you, but it would probably have been nicer if you'd let him chill out after work for a bit and then just asked him about the bin.

This is what I was thinking
bibbitybobbitycats · 16/08/2020 09:07

My dh works full time and still gets stuck into helping me around the house at weekends. It's interesting that this phrase is used even when talking about men who do their fair share. The expectation that women are responsible for the housework runs very deep.

Jamhandprints · 16/08/2020 09:09

Why are you doing housework "for him"? Its your house too.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 16/08/2020 09:09

Is he right? Does he normally do all the housework?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 16/08/2020 09:11

Your description of your day made it sound that it's not something you do often?
If you both work full time but he does a lot of cleaning too I can understand that he got a bit irked that you made a bit of a song and dance about it.

Whathastheworldbecome · 16/08/2020 09:11

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.

OP posts:
Charleyhorses · 16/08/2020 09:14

Well that's a lucky escape then.
You spent all day showing what a good little housewife you would be, and he has shown you what a prick he is.
A good days work which has saved you from a life time of toil and not being good enough.
Fuck off out of it now.

MoleFace81 · 16/08/2020 09:15

Why are you running around like a 1950s housewife? Of course he’ll have no respect for you if you do that.

Bienchen · 16/08/2020 09:16

@Whathastheworldbecome

To be honest I haven’t been happy with the division of the chores. He never cleans his bathroom, there is dirt and hair everywhere. If it wasn’t for me cleaning it it wouldn’t get cleaned. I know he won’t clean it because In all the time I’ve been with him it’s pretty much always been that way. There’s mould on the ceiling because he doesn’t put the extractor fan on or open the window after the shower. It just all gets me down.
So why did you move in with him? You don't sound very compatible. If you have different standards of cleanliness you either have to accept his dirt and mould or clean after him, think carefully whether the living together with him is worth it.
Hercwasonaroll · 16/08/2020 09:17

Do you have your old place to go back to? If so I'd leave. He's showing you who he is, listen.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 16/08/2020 09:18

Leaving a note was weird. If I want DH to do something (emptying the bins usually because I that job makes me gag), I just ask him. It’s not the first thing I ask him as he gets in from work either.

I’m currently on my summer holidays (teacher) so I am doing the majority of the housework but DH also does his share too. We don’t sit there and gush thank yous for jobs being done because we both own this house and are adults who can get on with what needs doing. He does stuff I don’t see and I do stuff he doesn’t see.

However, if my DH ever had that reaction, he would not hear the end of it. And his only reaction to me buying food he likes is to say thank you.

Honestly, why are you with him?

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 16/08/2020 09:18

Yep, totally agree with Oakleaffy. Stop doing so much for him. You’re meant to be his partner, not the live-in help. Communicate clearly and confidently that you expect the chores to be carried out equally. Demonstrate by your actions that disrespect or being taken for granted isn’t something you’ll stand for. He’s acting like this because he thinks he can get away with it and you’ll take it. Make it clear you won’t. If you don’t feel able in your relationship to do any of the above then seriously re-consider living together. It sounds like this has rightly upset you but now you’ve had a cry and got that out of the way it’s time to get assertive..

RUOKHon · 16/08/2020 09:19

Do not have children with this man. You already do everything round the house. If you have kids you will have to do everything round the house, plus everything to do with the kids, while he sits on his arse watching from a distance and wondering aloud what you do all day.

Throw this one back.

StillNotAGirl · 16/08/2020 09:20

@AnytimeIsWineTime

What a totally ungrateful sh*it head! You do more than what I do that’s for sure! My dad pointed out that mum and made a double crease in one of his work shirts once. She said she would never do it again. That was 30 years ago. To this day, mum has not ironed a single item of his clothing.
Grin I love your mum
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