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AIBU?

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Original poster

To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

186 replies

chubbyspice · 12/08/2020 14:47

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

OP posts:
Huhokthen · 12/08/2020 14:48

Oh for God's sake, leave her alone! Some people just aren't hugely sociable. All she'll get from a trip to the psychiatrist is that her mother believes there's something wrong with her.

Kassandra1 · 12/08/2020 14:49

I dont know that a psychologist is the right approach - what message would that send to your DD? That she has something wrong with her?

Some kids and people just don't crave social interaction. It sounds like she's doing well in school and it isn't causing problems so I'd let her get on with it personally

Stripesgalore · 12/08/2020 14:52

How are you going to access a psychologist? Presumably privately because there is no way you’d get one through the NHS.

ClamDango · 12/08/2020 14:54

You said she has school friends and another girl has been over lots of times, she goes out to the cinema, she speaks to her friends on the phone and is popular at school.
All that worries you is that she doesn't initiate meet ups. Why is that an issue.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 12/08/2020 14:55

You aren't going to raise a 'fully rounded' child by making her think there's something wrong with her Hmm
She's happy at school, wakes up singing, ffs you should be counting your blessings.

lovelymm · 12/08/2020 14:58

Leave her alone! She sounds fine and happy to me. Some people just like their own company and hate having a social life forced upon them!

reefedsail · 12/08/2020 14:58

Is the main problem that you'd like her to be on her phone less/ doing more and you see the alternative as spending time with friends?

If so, maybe a hobby would be a more appropriate alternative to phone use? An individual sport or something like that?

On the other hand, if you think she actually needs more time with friends maybe you need to adjust your thinking- not everybody wants that!

YgritteSnow · 12/08/2020 15:00

This is my 13 year old. She has autism though manages well in a mainstream school and masks a lot. She says she had nothing in common with the girls at her school and some of the things they talk about make her feel sick - boys, kissing, personal issues etc so she doesn't want to be around them too much.

Tbh I have always found "friendship" overrated myself so I totally see where she's coming from.

Leave her be OP. She'll get there in the end, if she wants to. If she was unhappy about it it would be a different matter.

TwoBlueFish · 12/08/2020 15:00

My nearly 16 year old chats to friends playing computer games but has only met up with someone once since March! He’s got a lovely group of friends from school but they’re all a bit useless at planning activities and mainly seem to communicate via memes on Snapchat or Instagram,

Original poster
chubbyspice · 12/08/2020 15:04

She has friends at school but nobody she sees outside school. She went to the cinema with friends once last year. When she's on her phone she's on Tik Tok, not communicating with friends. When her friend was over it was at my initiation
All summer she has been home as she is now too old for summer camps. She is obviously bored but won't make an effort to meet up with anyone. I don't think that is healthy.
I think that if there is some reason that she isn't socialising then a psychologist might be good to talk to. It wouldn't be presented to her as 'there is something wrong with you'. A professional might be able to reveal the reason, if there is one.

OP posts:
Noidea2114 · 12/08/2020 15:04

Our you my DGDs mum. My DGD is very happy staying at home, she also doesn't want to meet up with friends outside of school.
At school she has lots of girls and boys she mixes with. Talks on the phone to a few of them.

If she wants to go out she will ask don't force.

katy1213 · 12/08/2020 15:04

She sounds lovely! Leave her be. You don't need a shrink because you don't like parties and you don't need to fill every hour with useful activity.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 12/08/2020 15:06

Leave her be. No. Don’t TAKE her to a psychologist (sorry, but the pedant in me cannot ignore the incorrect use of the word ‘being’ here).

welcometohell · 12/08/2020 15:07

There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. Some children and adults are less sociable than others. If your DD is able to hold a conversation and is not socially anxious then there is no issue here- and she clearly is able to manage social situations when she has to as school have said she is popular with her peers. To send your DD to a psychologist because there's an aspect of her personality that causes her no distress whatsoever but that you would like to change would be very wrong indeed.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 12/08/2020 15:07

Ha! Hoist by my own autocorrect! *bring.

Glitterbiscuits · 12/08/2020 15:08

Good grief, she sounds like a perfectly lovely child who is living in 2020.
Please leave her alone or, if you must, encourage her in a few hobbies.

welcometohell · 12/08/2020 15:09

It wouldn't be presented to her as 'there is something wrong with you'. A professional might be able to reveal the reason, if there is one.

So how would you present it to her? What reason would you give her when she asks why you are making her see a psychologist?

Huhokthen · 12/08/2020 15:09

@chubbyspice

She has friends at school but nobody she sees outside school. She went to the cinema with friends once last year. When she's on her phone she's on Tik Tok, not communicating with friends. When her friend was over it was at my initiation All summer she has been home as she is now too old for summer camps. She is obviously bored but won't make an effort to meet up with anyone. I don't think that is healthy. I think that if there is some reason that she isn't socialising then a psychologist might be good to talk to. It wouldn't be presented to her as 'there is something wrong with you'. A professional might be able to reveal the reason, if there is one.
Have you tried just talking to your daughter instead of dragging her to see a shrink? At that age i didn't see friends outside of school either, i just wasn't fussed.

She's 13. There is absolutely no way you can take her to see a psychiatrist (or psychologist, though i don't think that's what you want really) without her getting the message that you think there's something wrong with her.

But hey, it's your money. If you want to pay through the nose to alienate your child, feel free.

Original poster
chubbyspice · 12/08/2020 15:11

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was.
Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 12/08/2020 15:11

Kids vary but most teens ime don't meet up outside school until older, some year 10, some earlier, but many more later. You might be rushing her - it's a job of adolescence to push your parents away, when she's ready, not have parents push her away! Organised activities like Guides or sports, yes. Hanging out and socialising, not yet.

rottiemum88 · 12/08/2020 15:12

I was exactly like this at your DDs age. I'd have never forgiven my parents if they'd insisted on taking me to see a professional because I didn't want to have friends over / socialise away from school. I'm an introvert by nature, sounds like your DD is too. You won't change her personality by making her feel like there's something wrong with her (and don't kid yourself that she'll think anything else), but you will make her resent you. Listen to your husband and leave her alone

Stripesgalore · 12/08/2020 15:12

What do you do together as a family?

welcometohell · 12/08/2020 15:12

Since she isn't socially anxious, depressed, is generally happy and well-liked at school isn't the most likely reason that she simply doesn't want to?

Mochudhu · 12/08/2020 15:13

No, no, no, no! I was your daughter, though we didn't have electronic devices then, I always had my nose in a book. My Mum was always trying to sign me up for clubs and stuff and I hated it. I think if she'd tried to drag me to a psychologist I'd never have forgiven her.

If your daughter is happy in her own company she's already well on the way to becoming a well-rounded human being. Thank your lucky stars you have such a lovely child.

DrManhattan · 12/08/2020 15:13

You will end up making an issue out of nothing. Leave her alone. If / when she wants to socialise she will know what to do.