To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

[chubbyspice]

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

Also, school can be a massively intimidating place. If you put a foot wrong, say the wrong thing, have the wrong wallpaper, wear the wrong top, suddenly half the year group could know about it. It's a lot of pressure. Could you try to involve her in a group outside of school at all? Or help her find a hobby that involves being out of the house? Just something to make sure that she doesn't get bored?

This thread has been really helpful.
I'm not going to worry to much for DD anymore she is am introvert and loves her own company.

Maybe you just need to accept her for who she is? Talking to a psychologist is not going to change her personality. It might however cause her anxiety.

I was like this as a child.
I'm quite introverted and really enjoy my own company.

However, are you sure that she doesn't have anxiety? My Mum swears blind that I never had anxiety and that I just liked staying in and not meeting people. I didn't realise until I got quite a bit older that actually it makes me really anxious meeting up with people. I can't bare groups and still get nervous meeting people one - one, even people I have been friends with for years.

Might not be the case at all, but no one noticed it was anxiety as it was hidden quite well.

I was like this as a child but unlike you my parents left me be. I had three younger siblings so was very rarely alone. I do not understand the need to constantly entertain kids. I would quite happily help my mum and dad with chores around the house, watch tv, read books and go to the park with my younger siblings whilst on school holidays. Kids need time to relax and chill out too.

As an adult I do have friends, mostly met at work. I will occasionally meet up with them outside of work for a coffee but don't feel the need to socialise regularly. I am polite, friendly but can seem distant or aloof because I am shy.

You want to do the best for your dd, the only worry I would have about arranging for her to see a psychologist is that she is at an age where she might think that you feel there is something wrong with her. Some of us are just introverts, I find it hard to understand why others need to have constant company and am quite happy on my lonesome sometimes.

I would speak to her and ask if she would like to meet friends after school or at home in the holidays. Just remind her that you are ok with people coming over and her going to friends homes and that you will facilitate play dates etc.

Your daughter does not have a problem:
1. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child
2. She wakes up singing and is generally happy
3. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.

Here's the problem:
I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood.

Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over

I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.

I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour.

I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

You say that your mother was controlling so you try to be the opposite. It hasn't worked. The apple has fallen very near to the tree. You may couch your argument in reasonable terms and be articulate .... but you are still controlling.

It is great that your DD is so happy and has friends at school. She is 12, old enough to have an idea of what a psychologist is and resourceful enough to Google it. If you take her to see one I think you can pretty much guarantee it will be detrimental to her happiness. She won't be singing every morning when she thinks people think there is something wrong with her.

I think you could see one but for you, to try and work out why you feel the need to make your DD into someone you want her to be rather than the happy girl she currently is.

I’d be crying too if someone invited a friend over on my behalf without consulting me first. You were unfair to put your DD in that position and need to work on yourself and your controlling ways rather than trying to find things wrong with your daughter.

My 12 year old is exactly the same at the moment. Shes quite happy with her head in a book or on the Switch / Phone / Computer, she has friends on Whatsapp but barely talks to them.

We've asked her if she wants to meet up with her friends but shes not bothered. I was getting a bit worried about it until my Dad pointed out that I was exactly the same at her age, I got on with people but preferred my own company, sort of drifted from all my primary school friends and didn't really find new ones who I desperately wanted to spend time with until I was about 14/15.

I reckon its a kind of transitory age for lots of kids, its probably just more noticable at the moment because they've been stuck at home for months and you'd think they'd be desperate to see their mates.

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert. It's a bugbear of mine that it's seen as a 'flaw'! I always felt this way about myself growing up and now I realise it's how I am, and that is fine! Introverts recharge by spending some time quietly or on their own and extroverts recharge by spending lots of time with others. Both types of personalities feel drained if they do too much of the opposite. As long as she has friends and some social life even if it is not as much as you think it should be then that's fine as long as she is happy. 'Quiet - the power of introverts' is a good book that explains those of us who are less outgoing often have lots of other strengths.

I agree with Disneyvillain that maybe a more structured routine could help, at least in doing more than screens which are often the path of least resistance with boredom for many of us. I discuss with mine what they need and want to do and we come up with loose ways for them to do that.

I do ask that they consider their social needs and how they may want to meet those, recognizing that they each have different levels of that. My social butterfly wants to see people multiple times a week now that that's an option whereas my less social teen is quite happy with occasional online games and town meetups with college friends. For my less social teen, I have made an effort to try to remove as many barriers so there is less to overcome since I know inertia is part of it for him - he's like me in that he's almost always glad he went, but the arranging/preparing can make it seem like a less appealing option to just chilling out making things on the laptop.

I wouldn't arrange someone coming over for them at that age, and I'd put her strong reaction down to puberty unless it happened repeatedly, and while I think more young people could benefit from learn emotional health skills possibly from a professional, I wouldn't do take them just for not being social or having a one off emotional crash.

@chubbyspice

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was. Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative

What does she have to be stubborn and argumentative about?