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AIBU?

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Original poster

To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

186 replies

chubbyspice · 12/08/2020 14:47

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/08/2020 16:10

Yabu. She is an introvert. That's it. Accept it.

Pull back on entertaining her yourself. If she complains she is bored then she gets two choices
1 - go find something to do/ a friend to do something with
2 - chores

Simple.

ZombieFan · 12/08/2020 16:10

Your DD sounds like a normal introverted 12 yo.
And looks like you are going to create a serious problem trying to make her into something she isn't.

Stripesgalore · 12/08/2020 16:14

We don’t know how much entertaining of her the OP is doing.

They might not spend any time together as a family at all for all we know.

It could be quite legitimate for the daughter to want to spend more time with her parents.

Mustardpot · 12/08/2020 16:15

Please leave her alone, she sounds lovely. I have a 13 yr old DD who sounds very similar, content but not terribly interested in socialising. It’s fine!

DotForShort · 12/08/2020 16:15

If she is genuinely happy in her own company, I don't think professional help is necessary at this point. It would be a different matter if she were truly distressed about being on her own.

But I also wouldn't feel the need to entertain her, nor would I allow her to spend all day on her phone. Boredom might encourage her to develop new interests, possibly on her own and possibly with friends.

beachysandy81 · 12/08/2020 16:16

My son (13) can be like that, but then has days where he is out everyday. Though I think it is a confidence thing as he is always waiting to get invited. I am not allowed to arrange his social life unfortunately.

She sounds like she is happy but just be careful she's not favouring her phone over everything else. Let her have it for a short time everyday and take it off her at night. It could be it is stopping her developing hobbies and friendships. I would check with the school how they think she is interacting socially - if they don't see an issue there probably isn't.

thecatneuterer · 12/08/2020 16:17

I was very similar. I always preferred either my own, or adult company. Children irritated me even when I was a child (and nothing has changed there). I did have friends, but couldn't really be arsed to make much effort in that regard (and unfortunately that hasn't changed much either). But the older I got, the more friends I got, and by university I had loads of friends and was the life and soul of the party.

But the crucial thing is that at no point along any of this journey was I ever remotely unhappy. I was simply doing what made me happiest.

It's only a problem if your daughter is unhappy with the situation.

Mochudhu · 12/08/2020 16:18

"So push her to get a hobby, and make her entertain herself - you know, parenting!?"

Please, please, please don't "push" her into anything. As I and other PP have said we were pushed into clubs/hobbies etc we had no interest in. However, I would say that if she's pestering you into going shopping or otherwise entertaining her when you are busy you maybe put it back on her and encourage her to find something else she might enjoy.

What sort of videos does she like on Tik Tok? Is there anything there she might like to take up? (I don't know much about Tik Tok as I'm an oldie but if not Tik Tok then other channels etc).

Mochudhu · 12/08/2020 16:20

Oh and ditto what Beachysandy said. Limit her phone time and encourage her to find other activities.

lilgreen · 12/08/2020 16:20

Op I would be annoyed if someone invited my friend over without asking me first. How would you feel?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/08/2020 16:22

Is there plenty of other stuff in the house that she can choose to do alone? Jigsaws, pencils and paper for sketching, does she play an instrument or have a desire to?

Savingshoes · 12/08/2020 16:23

She's twelve, demand she packs a lunch the night before and tell her she needs to be gone by 10am for a day out.
She'll have to organise her own everything and cannot return before 3pm.
She'll soon find friends/mischief.

blacksax · 12/08/2020 16:25

Has it occurred to you that she may be being bullied by her so-called friends and that is why she turned the group chat off?

Girls that age can be complete and utter bitches.

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2020 16:27

She does not need a psychologist, ffs.

My suggestion, OP, is that you and your daughter both do a free Enneagram test and then have a look at how your different personality types relate to other people (and especially to each other's type). And, you know, chill.

fashu · 12/08/2020 16:28

I have a few close friends but I am not a sociable person at all and my friends know that! I am much more comfortable in my own bubble at home with my husband and son and I enjoy going to visit my mum and dad when I feel like it. The is nothing wrong with me (I don't think) I just prefer to be by myself.

HorsePellets · 12/08/2020 16:28

@Savingshoes

She's twelve, demand she packs a lunch the night before and tell her she needs to be gone by 10am for a day out. She'll have to organise her own everything and cannot return before 3pm. She'll soon find friends/mischief.
Don’t do that. She really will need a psychologist if she’s arbitrarily kicked out of home for hours a day.
Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 12/08/2020 16:31

Leave her alone, she clearly is capable of happily being around people but prefers her own company and is easily pleased.
She sounds similar to me, very, very comfortable in my own company, I need very little to be happy. Whilst I like people and get on great with them I don't need or want to be around them loads.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/08/2020 16:32

I understand you're concerned it plays on your mind, you feel so guilty when you see girls their age with pals, mine is the same she is nearly 12 no interest in anyone in real life I worry about it as she's very socially awkward sitting alone is not going to improve it.
I told her the neighbours must think she is locked in the attic.

NellGwynsPenguin · 12/08/2020 16:34

To be honest it sounds like you need therapy more than she!!

Leave well alone, and accept she’s different to you.

Stop judging her by your standards... she’s NOT you.

Smiliboo · 12/08/2020 16:37

No!!!
Leave her be!

Griselda1 · 12/08/2020 16:37

You say she's stubborn and argumentative and that seems a strong comment to make on your own child.Are you sure she's not just quite different to you and you don't really understand her.I'd say a definite no to the psychologist visit.
Maybe doing a bit of exploration on personality types would be helpful.

Emeraldshamrock · 12/08/2020 16:37

Leave well alone, and accept she’s different to you
I don't think a child get highly distressed at the thought of a friend visiting for an is normal it sounds like social anxiety.
OP as I said mine is similar, she is on the spectrum but comes across very functional in school. She'd hate a random visit too.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 12/08/2020 16:40

She sounds self contained and contented. Lucky girl. Leave her alone. Perhaps see a counsellor to uncover why it’s so important to you to change her.

ArthurMorgan · 12/08/2020 16:41

I was the same as your DD. I don't have any mental health issues stopping me from having fulfilling friendships or anything like that but I really am just not that social.

My mum invited my friend to stay for a week when I was 13 (she came from London to Yorkshire) as a surprise, I hated the fact she had forced that on me especially as I had zero idea it was going ahead. You really need to accept her for who she is as a person and please don't randomly invite one of her friends over without your daughter knowing about it again, for some of us that kind of thing is quite distressing.

Chocoqueen · 12/08/2020 16:41

I had school friends at her age, we'd occasionally go round each other's for tea after school etc, but I'd rarely meet up with them at weekends. My mum once asked why I couldn't go out more like a 'normal teenager'. I've never forgotten it and still hurts she thinks/thought less of me because I'm not as sociable as her or my younger sister.

Now I don't have loads of friends but I have enough and those I do have I can count on.

Please just let her be.