To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

[chubbyspice]

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

Hi OP, please, no, not wanting to meet up with friends is NOT a reason to take a child to a pyschologist...I suspect they would be overrun with children for that rationale!

I think she is at an age where she should certainly not be expecting you and you should not feel obliged to provide all her entertainment. If she is bored I suspect she will find something to do, that's the only way. If you allow her her phone all the time then sure, she (as most kids) will spend all their time on it so it's up to you to chat to her and negotiate limited time on it. This way she will have to fill her time with other things.

@chubbyspice

She has friends at school but nobody she sees outside school. She went to the cinema with friends once last year. When she's on her phone she's on Tik Tok, not communicating with friends. When her friend was over it was at my initiation All summer she has been home as she is now too old for summer camps. She is obviously bored but won't make an effort to meet up with anyone. I don't think that is healthy. I think that if there is some reason that she isn't socialising then a psychologist might be good to talk to. It wouldn't be presented to her as 'there is something wrong with you'. A professional might be able to reveal the reason, if there is one.

She's bored, but clearly happy in her own company. Do you think it is healthy to force her to socialise with people if she doesn't want to?

Just because she isn't gregarious doesn't mean there's something wrong with her.

There is no need to consult a professional to tell you that there's a blindingly obvious reason. She's not an extrovert, she's an introvert. And it is totally normal to be an introvert.

She s happy what more do you want?
Encourage discussion on her future career and maybe clubs or volujnteering which relaate
Maybe she d enjoy a video editing course to enhance tiktok skills?
Work with her
Go for walks with her
Family cycling
Dont give her the message she is "wrong"

OP,
As much as we feel what is right, good, proper behaviour, we live in different times to our children now, more so now than ever.
I truly recognise what you are feeling. BUT, and this I learnt hard and well...our children, despite our misgivings, largely manage to grow up into something different than we think they will. We, as parents need to learn this, and we learn as they grow.
That's not to say that some navigation, even intervention may not be necessary, but I really cannot see many red flags here.
I would not, personally have engineered a meet up without your daughter's consent.
It possibly blew up her quiet plans for the afternoon. But I understand your motivation.
She will change, evolve, move out of home, become herself. Let her do that. And perhaps, by the by, ask if you can share a half hour thing on telly or something she likes on her phone.
I do really understand where you're coming from though. All the best

Or you could sit down with her and chat about why she doesn’t want to hang out. Any insecurities etc? I rarely went out as a teenager but did go out at times to go shopping with friends or cinema but that was hardly often. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed. It didn’t bother me much, I quite liked my own company.

I was told all my teen years why can’t you be normal, but school friends weren’t encouraged I was a loner, wasn’t allowed out much so spent time in my bedroom, I was also a massive James Bond fan, today I still love my own company, dh is also a loner we are well matched.

Hi I read that you’ve been helped by a counsellor. Would it be an idea to go back to them for a session or two and talk about your concerns?

OP it might be reassuring to you if you read 'Quiet' by Susan Cain, it's about introverted personalities.

My children are the same
After months of lockdown they’re really Happy still and Not really fussed about going back to school

I cant really understand it as I’m quite outgoing but have realised that they’re happy as Larry, get on well and me efforts to send them on camps, play dates etc is pointless and just makes them miserable

Ime 12 is a bit betwixt and between - not a child but not yet a teenager. Ds1 was a bit like this (ie not v proactive in sorting out his social life) but by 14 it had sorted itself out and he now meets up w friends regularly. Ds2(12) is now at the same stage but I am more relaxed about it.

I was raised by narcissistic parents and consequently had very low self-esteem as a child. I found it difficult to make friends and didn't have very many at secondary school.

But the worst thing my parents did was speak to the vice principal of my school about my perceived lack of popularity when I was 12. I was summoned to her office and had this highly embarrassing (for me) conversation with her about who my friends were. She was about 40 years older than me and an emotionally distant character.

Then when I was 14 my parents decided to take me to see a psychologist to get to the root of my "problems". I remember him as quite a fatherly and jovial chap, but again he was about 40 years my senior. As you can probably imagine, I was loathe to open up to a stranger. I had several sessions, with very little achieved at all. It also entailed a 50 mile round trip after a full day of school in winter so it was cold and dark too. Not an appealing experience at all...

Does she want to see a psychologist?
Why not ask her and see what she says?

I don't think it's unreasonable to spend some time entertaining her, but if you are busy, then it's ok to say no.

To be honest, I also loved spending time by myself as a kid. I'd just sit in my room watching TV for hours. It was heavenly.

Whoa there! Sounds like you need the psychologist. Your DD sounds totally happy in her own skin, leave her be!

My DS 13 is exactly the same, however that is who he is, happy at school and has a good friendship group but he doesnt see anyone at all. Isnt interested in seeing friends and his contact is via xbox. He doesnt use his phone. He is different to his siblings and I cant force him to see friends, we just try and get him engaged with stuff with the family, like cards etc.

I was similar. I didn't have an active enough social life (though still had friends and saw them out of school like your daughter) according to my parents, and it was something they pathologised and considered a flaw.

I was sent to therapy to 'be fixed' as a teenager, and I am angry about the projection I dealt with from my family to this day.

I love that your DD is so happy in her own company - it's a great skill. Maybe she just hasn't found her tribe yet. She will.
But clearly, she can't spend all day on TikTok. I would entertain her outside of Tikok as much as is reasonable, but realistically, you can't entertain her all the time outside of tiktok! Maybe leave her to her own devices, let her get bored and see what happens?

My opinion is that a psychologist would upset the apple cart of self-sufficiency and make her feel that the way she is isn't the 'right' way, or needs to be changed and is inadequate in some way. Which would be a shame. But would you see a psychologist about your own worries around the situation? That might be useful?

Leave her alone, she’s just like other kids her age.

My only concern would be if the school was accurately reporting that she has friends at school - if you trust she has friends at school, and she's happy, and happy to go to things then you need to book her into a few more lengthy drop off hobbies as sounds like you need a break from her (no judgment here, I need a break from mine sometimes!).

Some of us just need more home downtime. I'd only intervene if she did have anxiety etc about social situations more generally or was unhappy.

Leave
Her
Alone

She likes her own company and there’s nothing wrong with that. I tell you what there is something wrong with though: your own mother deciding there is something wrong with you just because you’re not a massive fan of social shite.

Don’t tart this up as trying to see if there’s something holding her back that you can help with. This is you pressuring her to fit in it your view of normal, and seeing the way she is as being somehow ‘wrong’ and ‘defective’. Listen to your husband, and more importantly listen to her, and take her for who she is instead of trying to change her and shape her into the mould of what you think a person should be. Stop being your own controlling mother.

Step 1. Regulate her phone use. Maybe turn off wifi at certain hours
Step2. Leave her be. She is happy. Stop forceing her to act like someone she is not.

When I started training in my professional careet, I always remember a tutor pulling me to one side. She felt the need to have a serious word with me because she witnessed me walking about 20 yards from student digs to the college building without....shock horror...walking next to another student in my class but perhaps a few paces in front or behind another small group. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I socialising? That was 35 yrs ago, I was still a teenager and made to think there was something seriously wrong with me by this stupid woman. I hope you can understand why I'm telling you this and..

OP apologies if my earlier post sounded a bit brash, i realise you are just concerned for your daughter but she sounds great.

career not careet!

yeah I would also regulate phone and screen use, the other thing that jumps out is that.

If you take her to psychologist for this you run the risk of damaging her permanently - so she isn't sociable, big deal. Seems like she's old enough to decide who she wants to spend time with and when

Id leave it. She seems happy. Maybe she hasn't got a lot in common with her peers other than school. At that age I had friends much older as my peer group only wanted to talk about boyfriends. I wanted to talk about history,films,animal welfare,psychology & anything but boys etc as I was a late bloomer . Even now , in my 50's,my friendship group is from 20-80.