To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

[chubbyspice]

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

It's a very strange situation at the moment and hard to socialise. My 10 year old has plenty of friends but hasn't seen any of them for the past 5 months because of COVID. She does speak to them on the phone and play games with them online BUT she also has days where she doesn't speak to them at all and would rather just quietly watch films, practice her make up or do the food shop with me.

Kids are just mini versions of us - I for one don't always want to be out socialising and very much enjoy a bit of time on my own. I don't think there's anything wrong with that and as long as she is happy (as your post suggests) then I would leave her be

@chubbyspice OP I was happy staying at home as a child and as an adult I still am. I'm normal. Socialise when I want / need to.

@Home42 I'm the same as you. Good job. Leadership role. Popular etc but love my alone time.

@Mochudhu

No, no, no, no! I was your daughter, though we didn't have electronic devices then, I always had my nose in a book. My Mum was always trying to sign me up for clubs and stuff and I hated it. I think if she'd tried to drag me to a psychologist I'd never have forgiven her.

If your daughter is happy in her own company she's already well on the way to becoming a well-rounded human being. Thank your lucky stars you have such a lovely child.

Me too. I'm autistic and I was always happy sitting in my room reading, and my mum used to complain and make me come downstairs and watch TV with the rest of the family. Some people are just natural loners.

[quote Kitkat05]@Home42 I'm the same as you. Good job. Leadership role. Popular etc but love my alone time.[/quote]
Same here. I used to feel anxious about friends coming over when they invited themselves and I felt obliged or my parents set it up. I think I felt that my life outside school was my own and I hated the thought of having to put on a show if I wasn't in the mood for it. I also hated team sports. Still the same, I have friends I adore but I don't really like hosting because I worry I won't be in the mood and I'll have to carry the evening. So as an adult it's freeing to be able to do what works for me - I think I just really knew my own mind! Never had trouble making friends or anything, just had sort of clear boundaries that felt instinctive to me if that makes sense. Happy in my own company too. I work for myself which is glorious too - the forced team building stuff I disliked although I could put on an act. I'm a very classic introvert who appears when necessary to be an accomplished extrovert!

@chubbyspice

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was. Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was

So why did you force your dd into spending time with another girl that you invited round?

I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing

Again, you are asserting that you know best about what she needs. She doesn't need her mum entertaining her. She's 12, not a toddler.

You said that your DM was controlling and you are trying to be the opposite. In that case, stop trying to turn your DD into something she isn't. Stop trying to turn her into the child you think she ought to be.

@chubbyspice

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was. Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

OP I was that child when I was growing up. I was not the child that my parents wanted me to be, I didn't fit in with their ideal of outgoing and sociable, intelligent and popular or top of the class. I was an introvert who was supposed to be an extrovert. I was supposed to be top of the class and the most popular and when I wasn't my parents decided that they were going to make me into that child. They convinced my teachers that I wasn't a good child because I didn't meet their views of an ideal child and got the support of teachers to go down the psychologist route. I had to see this so called psychologist weekly and would listen to ways I could improve myself to meet the ideals of my parents. Ideals which I could never hope to meet. Twenty years later and I have my own children and it still continues but now it is not me being told how I failed to meet the ideals demanded of me but my own husband is told how I failed. This hasn't done my marriage any good. It hasn't done my self esteem any good. I have internalised all those feelings so much that even though I appear to have got over them they still resurface as they are my internal, fixed view of who I really am.

If you love your daughter then don't do it to her.

You are coming across as being as controlling as your DM. Only you can break the mould. You don't have to parent your own DD the way that you were parented.

Please do not do this. I think it could be very damaging and she may well come to resent you for it in adulthood.

I didn't always have many friends at her age. In some ways I was a tomboy and struggled to connect with other girls. But it wasnt acceptable for me to hang out with the boys either. Actually I did but then the girls hated me even more! Anyway I came into my own soon enough, with friends of both sex.

These days I have several friends and I also still really enjoy my alone time. Someone actually said they envied me because I am happy in my own company whereas they are not. It should be soon as a good thing in some ways.

I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was.

really? this is you not being controlling - you think your daughter doesn't have the right quota of friends, so you'll take her to a psychologist and arrange for 'friends' to come over?

WOW - just think how unbearable you'd be if you weren't trying to be controlling!
Your poor daughter.

You think theres something wrong with your daughter because she doesnt have the same priorities as you. Then you say you're not controlling.

As a teen, I did have friends at school but nothing made me happier than sitting in my bedroom with a book and some music
Thankfully my parents accepted that was who I was.

Please leave her alone. You said yourself - shes happy

There is nothing wrong with your child thats all I will say

Do you suspect autism? If so, then I would go for it. You can say that you've arranged a meeting with someone for her to talk to because things have been weird following COVID.

Do you suspect autism? If so, then I would go for it. You can say that you've arranged a meeting with someone for her to talk to because things have been weird following COVID.

Dear god why?!! Why would you suspect autism?!
The only ‘weird’ part of this is the mother’s refusal to accept that her daughter is happy because she isn’t ‘initiating’ social meet-ups.

I understand op!

If I can just say I totally get what you are saying. I have a dd (12) and when I compare my childhood which was full of friendship, adventures, tree climbing and spending most of the day with each other. I look back on these times as the best days of my childhood, and when you compare the life of your dd now and see her always on the phone, never going out and never wanting to do anything you feel she is being short changed. And she kind of is, in my humble view, but it is her choice. You have laid out the options, and she is not interested. She is not going to see the 'light' or particularly care about your childhood, or the one she could be having (if it exists anymore)

Some parents do project their own insecurities without meaning to, onto their children. I know I was like this, wanting my dds to have as many friends as I did, but I realised they don't need them! I needed them because my family was so dysfunctional! Not everyone 'needs' friends, a rich social life and endless excitement. For some people just being existing quietly and without fuss is their dream life!! Your dd sounds like one of them. So it is time to respect who she is not, not dismantle it trying to find a reason.

I also noticed with my dd the more I pushed, the more she would retreat.

I would encourage you to address the phone use if you haven't already. We are not in lockdown so limits need to be introduced, and when the limit is up it is up to her to find a hobby/activity that interests her, if she gets bored that is a good thing!

She sounds great not getting involved in the nonsense group chats (where often bullying goes on usually someone excluded etc) wish I was that sensible so young. And she’s happy! What’s the problem

My dd is the same. She is 14. She has 2 friends from childhood that she will spend time with. But never initiated by her. If I'm meeting the mum as we are friends then she comes and has fun.

Her two friends from school she meets if I'll text the mum. I've asked her to sort her own social life out but she never does . I'm hoping it's just a hormonal teenage phase

She tells me she isn't that bothered about seeing people but when she does she enjoys it.

Teens are hard!!!

OP I was exactly the same at that age, had friends at school but never wanted to see them outside of it, spent all of my time reading magazines or playing on the computer. I now have a very large circle of friends and active social life, although I am still the same in that I don't push to always see people and am happy doing my own thing. She's 12, she's going to be bored sometimes, but you won't fix that by pushing her into things she doesn't want to do.

Your daughter sounds a bit like me when I was her age. I had friends over for sleepovers occasionally but other than that I didn’t meet up with friends out of school. It wasn’t a “local” school and my friends didn’t live close enough to meet up in the evenings. My parents were nevertheless concerned that I was such a homebird and tried to encourage me to join stuff but I was always happier reading at home.

Are you my Mum? She obsessed over the fact that I didn't have a lot of friends.

At times, I have forced myself to be more sociable and the 'life and soul of the party'. I'm not. I'm an introvert and happy to spend a lot of time on my own/with DH. I realise now there was a lot more wrong with my Mum trying to control me than there was with me wanting to spend time alone!

@chubbyspice

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was. Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

Well make it clear it’s not your job to entertain her and that she could chat to a friend then when she’s bored with phone use. She’s a preteen. They get moody and insular.

This is exactly like my daughter.
It turns out she finds the way other 12 year olds are is confusing. Now girls have started to talk a lot behind each others backs then act like best friends and change their friendship groups at the drop of a hat. Mostly regular 12 year olds stuff, she says she doesnt want the drama and has little in common with them, and just doesnt want to meet up with anyone.

It's sad because she is so bored of me and DH but shes just not interested in seeing friends from school when shes not in school herself.

I wouldn’t. I used to be similar - liked my own company but had friends. You will do more harm by trying to suggest to her that there’s something wrong with her. It will destroy her self esteem and make her think she’s not ‘normal’. If she was unhappy then I might consider it, but you’ve said she is a normally happy child. Reading between the lines, it seems that maybe you resent her being under your feet all the time, and puts pressure on you to entertain her. Kids don’t need constant entertainment, and she clearly doesn’t need it or she would be out with her friends. Don’t put pressure on her to be someone she doesn’t want to be.

And I wondered how long it would be before autism was introduced into the thread. Not all behaviour that is perceived to be different is linked to autism. And there is nothing in OPs post to suggest that her dd is autistic.

I think that this may be beyond the realm of her just enjoying her own company. Especially if she got distressed at the thought of someone visiting. It sounds to me like there may be an element of social anxiety. Is or has she been judged or teased by anyone at school? Is she embarrassed about anything at all? I actually would seek help and advice, but not involve her. Perhaps talk to a psychologist yourself to gage whether they feel that there could be some sort of deeper problem.

I was your dd, OP. I’m an introvert and school was a bit too much exposure to other people so when not at school I needed my downtime.

A year later I had my first boyfriend and was willing to see him outside school (he was not in the same school) but I remained more of a loner than anyone else I knew.

Hasn't held me back at all. I have sorted a life where I work from home, spend most of my time with dh and the dc and have some friendships which are mostly long distance with a few visits every so often.

I am happier than anyone else I know.