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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

186 replies

chubbyspice · 12/08/2020 14:47

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

OP posts:

nevertheknowing · 12/08/2020 16:43

Sightly alternative view here. My son is similar - though younger. He loves spending time with other children but I have to arrange these social outings as otherwise he will say 'he doesn't want to'. He is very like me and I think it is partly low lying social anxiety. I am quite similar.
I have to push myself to go out and see other people as at any one time I would rather stay at home. But if I do that I know it gradually takes its toll on me. Also means when I do meet up with people I have nothing to say, so creates a cycle of finding it hard to socialise.

When I was young I remember my Dad calling to three sisters who lived across the street and asking them if they wanted to come and
play some time. I was furious with my Dad for doing that, but he was right. They became my childhood playmates and I would have spent my childhood alone if it weren't for his intervention.

Sometimes you do have to push things on your child's behalf I think.

2bazookas · 12/08/2020 16:44

She is popular/ has plenty of friends/no social problems at school.

She doesn't need a psychologist or treatment.

There is some reason she doesn't want to bring friends home, and I'm afraid you might be it. Could you come across to the other girls at school as anxious, tense, a bit odd?

Lighten up and enjoy your lovely girl just as she is.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 12/08/2020 16:45

At twelve, my happy little world was school, the friends I saw there, my family and home life, and books books books (it was well before the internet). I spent time with my friends at school and music club, and enjoyed being with them, but that was enough for me; more time together would not have been better, for me at least.

She’s only a child. Be thankful she enjoys being at home with the family. It’ll change soon enough. If you are bringing her up to respect herself and other people, and you’re having experiences as a family (which is appropriate for a child her age) then she will develop into a well-rounded youngster and gradually find out who she is and what she likes doing. That might never be hanging out in town centres with groups of other kids (and actually that’s not necessarily a bad thing), but as long as she’s happy, you should be too. There’s lots of time for her to grow up.

Milssofadoesntreallyfit · 12/08/2020 16:45

Seeing your daughter cry because her friend is coming over for an hour is distressing.

I would feel upset if someone invited themselves or one of my friends over on my behalf. I would be upset because if I wanted to see them I would, I like my space and would feel like they are intruding or imposing on me.
If i want to see people its because I want to, not because I'm being forced.

Forcing a social situation on someone whose happy alone is a bit crappy, sorry.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 12/08/2020 16:47

And I should add, that as a young adult and ever since, I have been very sociable, enjoy lots of new experiences, and have great friends.

Trisolaris · 12/08/2020 16:48

She cried because you invited her friend over without asking her!

If she had wanted to see her friend she could have sorted it herself, she doesn’t! Why can’t you accept that she gets enough social interaction at school?

My mum is a social butterfly and was constantly worried about my sister not being sociable. (She was shy!) and my brother (now incredibly sociable)

Both resent her for being incredibly controlling now.

I was lucky in that I had hobbies where I saw people so escaped the worst of this but seriously the last thing I want to do now often now after a week at work is see people, so I have a small friendship group. Let her alone.

Cyw2018 · 12/08/2020 16:48

Read "quiet- the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain.

Then leave your DD alone, the thing that is going to screw your DD up for life is you. If you have reach the stage of discussing this perceived problem with her father then you can be sure that your DD already feels that she is not good enough, or the daughter that you hoped for. You need to do some serious backtracking with your DD and reassure her that you live her as the person she is.

Smiliboo · 12/08/2020 16:49

She's only 12. She's still young. Let her be young.
Entertain her - play board games with her, do crafts. She's an ideal age for some more intricate crafts.
She doesn't need friends outside school yet.

Persipan · 12/08/2020 16:53

She is obviously bored... I don't think that is healthy.
Boredom, as a state of being, is extremely healthy. It creates a space for her to learn to fill. Attempting to fill it for her isn't, ultimately, a helpful thing to do. Leave her be, she sounds great!

Smiliboo · 12/08/2020 16:53

Why is it that as an adult, valuing our privacy and being able to make our own plans is expected but as a child, your expected to follow your parents plans?
I'd be pissed off if someone arranged a 'play date' for me at 12 too!

Smiliboo · 12/08/2020 16:54

She's into tiktok - maybe dance lessons?
Or just get involved with her more! Make tiktoks together.

Hindsite · 12/08/2020 16:57

Nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. Leave her alone! I feel sorry for her having you try and force her to socialise, that would actually cause me great anxiety

Goodoldfashionedploverboy · 12/08/2020 17:00

Not needing other people/ being self-reliant are massive strengths!!

Stop trying to make her into your idea of "normal".

mrsBtheparker · 12/08/2020 17:01

She sounds like me! You want her to be some image that you have and you're wanting to expose her to serious ntervention to achieve it, sounds almost abusive to me. Leave her alone, she seems quite happy.

DishingOutDone · 12/08/2020 17:16

I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was you need to try harder OP. She sounds fine, but you do realise that the psychologist will question your parenting first and last don't you? They dont talk to your DD and knock what you consider sense into her!

Most psychologists require a telephone interview before they accept you as a client and I don't think you'd get through that to be honest, I think they 'd be asking you some very hard questions before you even got booked in.

Oneearringlost · 12/08/2020 17:20

Oh yes, Calm, Susan Cain is v v good.
Very often our "only" children grow to be resourceful and resilient.
Please let her do that. Filling children's lives with activities and friends is a template, not personalised.
Do enter into her world but without your own expectations. And be patient with her and yourself

BertieBotts · 12/08/2020 17:20

Are you concerned that she is addicred to the phone apps?

MillionthNameChanger · 12/08/2020 17:24

You're doing better than my mum - she wanted to send me to a psychologist for not being bothered if I was wearing odd socks

namechangetheworld · 12/08/2020 17:25

She sounds like me (both as a 12 year old and now, a 34 year old). I had friends at school that I liked spending time with but outside of school much preferred my own company. I loved reading, crafts, writing short stories, taking photos of nature. Even now, I really have to force myself to meet up with friends, and even then it's VERY occasional. I still manage to be a fully functioning adult with a husband, two children, and a job. I think there's something quite admirable in being able to entertain yourself, especially at 12, and be content in your own company. She sounds like a lovely girl.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/08/2020 17:31

I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing. She's doing nothing if you entertain her. She should not need to be entertained.

Devlesko · 12/08/2020 17:34

Where does the psychologist fit in? What mh issues does she have?
Do you think mentally ill patients need the appointments, not some kid whose mum won't leave her be?

Owleyes16 · 12/08/2020 17:34

I was tortured by my family as a teenager for not wanting to meet up with friends outside of school, it was a massive cause of my anxiety. My mum and sis were constantly pushing me to go out, be social, have friends over, etc. and it eventually made me retreat so far into myself that I didn't have friends by the end of it. My sister once offered me £20 if I'd go out with a friend once in the school holidays, and when I didn't (because they made me want to even less) it was a joke in our house. They may have meant it in a lighthearted way, but to me, it devolved into bullying and mockery.

While your daughter is still happy, dear God leave her alone. Just because she isn't what you expected it doesn't mean you have to go on at her and try to make her change. She's fine the way she is. What do you think you'll achieve from taking her to a psychologist? Force her to live up to your expectations and fake a social life for your benefit?

HaudMaDug · 12/08/2020 17:35

@2bazookas

She is popular/ has plenty of friends/no social problems at school.

She doesn't need a psychologist or treatment.

There is some reason she doesn't want to bring friends home, and I'm afraid you might be it. Could you come across to the other girls at school as anxious, tense, a bit odd?

Lighten up and enjoy your lovely girl just as she is.

Agreed.

VeryQuaintIrene · 12/08/2020 17:36

Blimey - I'd be stubborn and argumentative if I were her too and I ws being judged and hassled like this. Back off.

PrimoPiatti · 12/08/2020 17:38

Leave her alone, she's happy. Psychologists can be strange people, I've worked/managed/met many over the years.

Stay clear.

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